lajendi

Opportunities lost

In the last week I have fought with myself over a decision that was obvious. But I couldn't let it go.

As often as I can manage it, I go to church girl's camp for a week during the summer. Most women think I'm insane to actually volunteer for it. This year the camp is scheduled to start 4 days after we get home from a month-long visit to Utah. A week ago I was asked to be a leader at camp (the specific position I won't name, in case someone in my stake reads this post).

The fun-loving, can't sit still, independent woman inside me wanted to say "YES!" on the spot. The mother and wife in me knew, with a black rock in her stomach, that the answer would be "no". These two parts of me fought so desperately, despite my self-knowledge about who would win, that I'm still reeling over it. I even cried.

Call me a wimp, if you must, because I took it so hard. But let me explain a few things  before you assume I just had PMS.

My oldest daughter is 14 years and 6 months old. That means I've had a baby or toddler in my home for 14 years and 6 months. We haven't exactly "planned" our family, the kiddos arrived when the heavens saw fit. So when my oldest child was 4 years old I started to deal with the absence of more children by planning to go back to school when she would start Kindergarden. Along came baby #2.

Baby #2 is quickly followed up by Baby #3. That was a little crazy, but nice to have them closer in age. Many years go by and, I again, deal with the upcoming Kindergarden attendance of the youngest child, and an absence of more children, by planning to go back to school. Along comes baby #4 (amidst other huge life changes). Baby just turned two years old.

 So you see, 14.5 years of little people.

Don't get me wrong, I love MY little people. But there is a huge amount of sacrifice that goes into being a stay at home mom. I'm not dissing working moms, just writing about what I know. This, staying at home, I know well. I worked for the first few years of mothering- not easy either. There is an added level of sacrifice to being at home. All you need to do is look at my Social Security statement that comes every year - it makes me want to cry. According to the federal government, and many living in this part of the country, I have done nothing worthwhile in the past 1o years (with the exception of a few months of low-paying data entry).

One of my doctors once asked me this question when he realized I was a stay at home mom: "What do you do?" He wanted an answer that didn't involve my children. He isn't my doctor anymore.

I know that being at home with my children is the best thing I can do right now. The time I spend at home with them in their formative years is small in relation to the rest of their lives, and mine. Knowing that in theory, and practicing it every day - day in, day out - is another story. It is hard, it humbles me constantly and makes me feel as if the federal government is right. It is all too easy to discard the benefits and blessings and only see what it is I lack.

And there is a lack- mental stimulation, adult conversation, accomplishments for my resume, friends, co-workers... At this point I even wonder if I really know what I'm missing anymore.  Or if my imagination has built up a dream of what life is like outside this housewifery so much that I won't be happy in either reality. (FYI - I hate the term 'housewife', I am not married to my house!)

So, as far as this one week of girl's camp, out of the entire year, relates to all my rambling- it is one week where the toddlers are left behind, I feel unfettered, and I am obviously useful to society. I am not 'Mommy', but 'Jen'. I am able to find the part of me that keeps so quiet the rest of the year.

Yes, I cried about missing that.

When I read this quote on M&Ms blog this week I saw it in a different way than it might have been intended:

    Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some

     embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the

     Master’s garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and

     sometimes weep over their responsibility as mothers, “Daughter, be of good

    comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.” And it will make your children whole as

     well. (Elder Holland, “Because She is a Mother”)

In my present circumstances I cling with faith to Elder Holland's consolation. These sacrifices I make to be a stay at home mom are not codified with a money-back guarantee. My children will still make mistakes, and (heaven forbid) could completely ruin their lives despite my sacrifice and toil. The things I have sacrificed; artistic abilities, social life, career with an impressive resume, college degree(s), etc. may be lost. Forever immeasurable because I have chosen the path less taken. That said, I cannot pretend that being a mother has not benefited me in ways that are also immeasurable. I must have faith to know that amidst the processes and trials, motherhood is what is best for me, and my children. Despite the tears and frustrations that come when a situation reminds me of the measure of my sacrifice.

The remaining years of having a toddler in my home will pass all too quickly, I'm sure. Honestly, for now, I hold my breath hoping I will survive another bout of potty training. If I can hold back those present emotions long enough, the teachings I have learned about eternity remind me of the preciousness of every moment. Because in the very end, when all is said and done, I cannot imagine saying anything about these years other than, "They were the best 14.5 years of my life."

What do ya wanna know?

-About how I got my eyebrows threaded in the middle of the mall? Yep, right there in the center isle where everyone could watch. Yea! me, for not caring... I think. My eyebrows are now presentable.

-About how wonderful a family movie "UP" is? We went to the drive-in with friends this evening to see it. Baby even stayed awake to watch because it has doggies.

-About everything I've been meaning to write about but haven't? There was a great writing prompt on a Writing Excuses podcast I listened to on Friday, about a golf analogy. I came up with a great one, but haven't taken the time to write it out. Last night at the bookstore I bought a book about writing.

-About how I am going to finish (REALLY!) my English class before my visit to Utah?

-About how I don't have any responsibilities at church tomorrow, and it has been so long since that happened that I feel like I'm missing a limb?

-About how my iphone may really be dead, as in forever departed this mortal sphere, and the Apple people won't do a thing to help me? So I've done a little research (youtube counts as reasearch!) and have ordered a $15 battery to attempt fixing it myself. What's the worst that could happen? My iphone paperweight may turn into an iphone paperweight.

I sound flippant and funny about this, but really, I'm pissed off. Apple will not have my business again, I'm underwhelmed by this line of products the world seems so infatuated with. Time for this infatuation to end, for us to wise up, and get in a real longterm digital relationship. (If I can get up the moxy to pay the moola to buy out of my contract with AT&T.) Someone tell me how this system isn't a monopoly.

See, I'm so mad I won't even link to them in my post.

I don't know what I'll do without it when I'm away from my computer for the whole month of July.

-About how important yoga is? Especially when dealing with my dead iphone.

- About how happy I'll be when DH's on-call rotation will be over tomorrow? Then I can stop making blog posts at midnight because I'll have access to the computer during normal blogging hours.

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby!

 

Two years goes by so quickly!

I wonder if Baby will ever have a birthday on which I don't think about her NICU nurses. She has come a long way in two years, it is amazing. Right now I love the way she says, "Mama". Her tone is so sweet (usually) her love comes through, even when she's not blowing kisses, which is frequently. She's gotten the hang of hugging people back, she gave me a good squeeze around the neck yesterday, knees frequently get hugged on too. She is such an easy-going girl, happy to be with people, happy to be with you, doing what you're doing- unless she's tired. She is such a mimick that J. and A. take advantage of it too much, they enjoy hearing her try new words and pull out big ones for her to try. Her love is so wonderful to have in our home.

 

Today there wasn't much on the agenda so Baby and I went to the small local zoo. One of the great things about celebrating a 2-year-old's birthday is that they don't know it's coming. She doesn't have enough experience to know what the zoo is; somehow we just went for a walk and there were amazing animals to be seen! Big birdies with eyes so large that she played shy, camels that she called, "Dog! Dog! Dog!" because 'camel' isn't in her vocabulary yet, and these flippy floppy silly things mommy called 'otters'. Because Mom only had one child to keep an eye on, she ran free of the stroller- such wonderful wide open spaces to enjoy! (yes, I forgot the camera)

She heard 'Happy Birthday' all day today but only at the end did she have any inkling of what that meant. I think after a day like this a two-year-old has got to believe anything is possible because of all the good stuff that happened for seemingly no reason. It will be so sad that tomorrow will be normal; no giant Elmo balloons will be purchased at the grocery store and she'll have to get by with the toys she already possesses. There is always left-over cake though!

 

Thank you to Grandmas and Grandpas for presents! She will be well dressed for summer now. I ,on the other hand, will probably be sorry that I encouraged her siblings to buy her a talking baby doll. She has already tried out her new set of keys from Mom and Dad on the front door.

It is hard to bring such a great day to a close, it brings us a little closer to her 3rd birthday.

 

Goodwill

This became the day I got the mountain of clothing out of my hallway. It appeared to be a very intimidating mountain because we piled it against the full length hall mirror, effectively doubling its size. There was a fleeting thought about taking a picture to show you, but my pride wouldn't let me (or I was too lazy for another trip down the stairs to retrieve the camera).

The mountain of clothing was not laundry though. It was clothing we needed to get rid of. In a family of six that pile can get pretty big, when we don't have large closets or dressers. Some people are happy to have garage sales to rid themselves of old clothes. I personally, can't handle doing a garage sale for a net profit of $8.63 (pay yourself an hourly wage and see what it nets out to).  So we give our clothes away.

There are various methods for sharing your old clothing with others. Today my method was the back door of the Goodwill. Nothing makes you feel richer than dropping your clothing off at Goodwill and telling the storeperson that you don't want a receipt - "No thank you my good man, I don't need the $20 deduction on my taxes!" (Now DH is reading this and I will have to get the receipt next time.) 

But then seeing that same storeperson inside the Goodwill as you shop kind of deflates the feeling. "Just droppin' of my old crap so I can buy some new crap," is what I should have said. (Really I didn't say anything but "thanks.")

This was our haul. Thankfully, I did not buy the same quantity that I dropped off (3 bags). Our total bill was $16. DH was impressed. Although I don't think he even noticed the cute flower buttons on Baby's things. 2 shirts for me, 2 for Baby, a summer dress, and Robin Hood circa 1950.

 

For a few moments I thought I had a stalker over the Robin Hood book. An old guy spied me picking it up and stopped looking at everything else, just waitin' for me to set it down so he could claim it. Neener Neener! I got it!

There was a new fangled ice cream machine that I walked right on by, and I'm kicking myself for leaving it. Tonight I saw the exact same thing on Paula's Home Cookin'. Just for the record, I never watch that show, but when I saw the Butter Pecan Ice Cream in the description I couldn't pull myself away. It was right before dinner.

Man, now I'm hungry again.

Misc

Weeds are OK in your lawn! Although I did give in to DH's desire to assimilate into suburbia by having the front lawn treated. I apologize for my hypocrisy.

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Checking on Nie Nie now and then amazes me.

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Another political news story worthy of a rant. Obama makes an ethics law, involving the elimination of conflict of interest at government agencies. Then he appoints a man to head NASA that requires a waiver, because of a conflict of interest. So the law is good only when it doesn't get in your way, I guess.

Oh, then there is the whole issue of Bill Nelson, a democratic senator from Florida, threatening to throw a tantrum if the president didn't pick his friend for the NASA position while actively campaigning against other candidates.

This article doesn't mention the conflict of interest at all, gotta love the media.

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There has been another doctor appointment. I met with a new neurologist (actually a physician's assistant) on Saturday. Leaving the appt DH and I agreed it was a huge improvement over my last neuro.  He was not extreme, not postulating on an overall diagnosis at the first appt like alot of drs have tried. Several things came of this appointment. 

The diagnosis I received many years ago (16) of TMJstill holds true. When the neuro held my hands on my tempromandibular joint and I felt the major movement, that he said is not supposed to exist, I realized there was a problem. When I received my TMJ diagnosis way back when, I was told it would be over a thousand dollars to treat it and we were poor college students. I actually cried when I left that dentists office, knowing that I would just have to suffer the pain for a very long time. When DH's uncle, a dentist, adjusted my bite and took out my wisdom teeth it helped so much (Thanks!). But now more is known about the condition, more treatments are available, and I now know that normal jaws shouldn't move like that.  The neuro said this won't solve everything but could very likely help. He encouraged me to get a professionally made mouthpiece to wear at night, I hope our dental insurance will cover it. 

This was interesting to read, though I won't count on a whole body healing for me(from here): "There is no doubt that TMJ dysfunction can have far-reaching effects, even to the point of involving peripheral circulation and paresthesias. S. D. Smith reported a case where major improvement in leg circulation directly corresponded to balancing a left TMJ compression through jaw repositioning."

The other interesting thing to come out of the neuro appt. is that I had been taking two drugs that make me stupid! So I have an excuse :)  Seriously, both of the drugs I had been taking have the side effect of "Memory loss, problems concentrating, or slow thinking" (see, I told you = stupid).  The PA explained that the medications were both at low doses so I was getting minimal benefit with maximum side effects. So I'm not taking the least effective of those two medications now. Just for any of you out there on meds, FYI the drugs in question are Lyrica and Topamax. For help with another troublesome side effect he counseled that Miralax is a great laxative if you need it on a daily basis to counteract drug side effects. TMI? Just trying to be helpful.

Upcoming- EMG on my hands to check for nerve damage. And, one day I will have a positive attitude about Rheumatologists again, and make an appointment with a third. My PCP is encouraging this, obviously I'm discouraged.

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BOOKS!

There is much going on in the world of books, probably because I aren't stoopid anymor. My reading had slowed to a crawl, it was just too difficult. It took me almost a month to finish Run by Ann Patchett.

It wasn't as enjoyable as Bel Canto, her first book, but it is worth reading. I wish she had spent just a little more time polishing it, especially the first half , it drags and the characters aren't solid. I really like the concept she plays with, that the chronology of events in our lives is complicated and cannot be undone. If you took away one bad action from your past, would it negatively effect the long term positive result of your life?

For years I've heard about The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. I read it in four days (see, no more dumb). 

This book seemed like two books smashed into one. It was a book about grief, about the things this woman thought, but never said out loud - the mind knots we tie ourselves into just to cope. That book, that I appreciated. And I celebrate her ability to write such raw honesty with the bravery to publish it. I can only imagine, as one who has in comparison suffered minor griefs, that her words bring comfort to many who suffer the same. There before the grace of God go I.

The other book within this book, I could do without. It was the elitist, self-circulating, snobbery that made me want to ask the author, so what? She name dropped like it was a Jeopardy round. And the casual mention of dropping tens of thousands on a house down payment made want to tell her to keep her finances to herself. All the trips, the wealth, 5 star hotel stays, the servants doing everything, inserting the names of her and her husband's books frequently into the text, all of it I could have done without and the remaining themes would have soared. The author had a great concern for not developing self-pity, maybe if her life weren't all about her it wouldn't be such an issue. The success of this book probably has only exacerbated her condition by telling her that her grief is worthy of worldwide attention, while millions of others suffer their grief in silence and poverty.  

Perhaps I'm still just the dumb youth, who hasn't experienced wealth or grief enough to understand Ms. Didion's whole point. Perhaps she meant it all to go together so as to echo her husband's thoughts about his life. He felt they were no longer having fun, that he had accomplished nothing; yet they both were well published writers and very wealthy. After his death she found a note in a computer file- "The concept of service." (p. 186) Yet, she never returns to the concept. (Am I too easily dismissing her service by way of writing this book?)

If you check a book out from the library too many times are you considered a stalker?After trying to be frugal, by checking it out again and again, I broke down and bought my own copy of Animal, Vegetable, Miracle.

Now I'm reading The Roald Dahl Omnibus, a collection of short stories.

Anybody read it before? R wants to read it too so I'm wondering if hidden in those thick pages there is a "R" rating? But if I let her read with me I'll just have to pry it from her hands when I want it. Let's make her wait. She loved BFG that he also wrote.

 

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For anyone who is great enough to keep reading through this bloated post, thank you. You must be the kind of wonderful soul who would do something nice for humanity. How about participating in the Cancer society's research, CPS-3?

There's no proving it

In today's society we are supposed to be sorely afraid of aging. I mean SORELY, as in going through massive amounts of pain (and money) to look younger than we are. IMHO this is messed up. Age has it's benefits. Not that I'm over the hill or anything, but I've got a few years on me. DH and I will celebrate our 17th anniversary this summer. I am mother to a 14 year old. There are qualities that come with those years I wouldn't trade for anything. So I warn you in advance, I will be keeping my wrinkles to prove it.

 

Today I realized one of those qualities, gained from the passage of time - I no longer have an urge to prove my worth. Seriously. There have been times in my life I claimed this, not true then. I did hope to make it true though.

The number of hours and overburdened thoughts that went into proving my worth: inestimable. Everyone was a participant in my value contest; family members, friends, church leaders, casual acquaintances. I wanted everyone to like me, it felt necessary for them to like me and to think I was an amazing person. Now I know that to be happy = truly being myself. Which means I cannot be happy guessing what other people think I should do, so that they will think I am good.

It has taken me this many years to realize what Popeye told me all those years ago on Saturday morning cartoons, "I yam, what I yam!" (translation for you non-Popeye speakers: "I am what I am!")

This is me (not the yam!). I'm a work in progress. I don't claim perfection. I'm doing the best I can. I think you're doing the best you can too - so let's just get along. If you don't want to get along, I'll do what I can to find common ground because I like people.

Honestly, not feeling the need to prove myself may have come from more than just the sheer accumulation of years. Being sick has pulled me down a peg or two and opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn't fooling anyone. And if I were, I don't have the energy or time to continue foolin'. 

For example, yesterday when my niece exclaimed, "I can't sit on that chair, it's all sticky!"

I smiled and said, "Sorry sweetie, we have alot of kids in this house, things get sticky."

That was the moment I knew something had changed inside of me. Because the old me would have rushed over with a sponge, embarassed, and coming up with some story of having pancakes that morning or something. It is, what it is. No embarassment or hard feelings, hopefully J&K don't put off visiting with us another 4 years because they stuck to the chairs ;)

Another factor in my calling it quits to the value game is my relationship with God. I'm no saint, I've got alot of work to do (some days I wonder how he looks upon backward progress). But, I know he looks at a person's desires, at their heart, in the grand scheme of things. He is the only judge that really matters. And honestly, I don't feel much judgment coming from him, mostly love and encouragement (sometimes by way of a kick in the pants). But maybe that's just because it's been a while since I read the Old Testament.

Don't get me wrong though. I still care about your feelings, your comfort in my home, that I am your friend. I just don't base my value as a human being on it any longer. Keep the compliments coming too (not that I'm fishing for them or anything..), it is nice to know when I do something well so I can try for repeat performances; it can be hard to tell from this side how things appear to you.

So now that we've come to the end of this post and you are sick of hearing about me, I will say: 

You do know all of this applies to you too. Keep your wrinkles, stop overthinking what others think, you're a work in progress, find a way to be OK with God and let's just enjoy sticking to each other's kitchen chairs. Because in the end there's no proving it, it is a known fact - you are worth something, alot in fact.

J & K

Somehow we've come into a feast of family visiting. After having my mom here for two weeks, today DH's brother and his family visited from AZ. The kids had just about more fun than they could handle. It was great to see them get along so well. That gave the adults time to catch up and enjoy the day.

  

We ended it all with dinner on the deck in perfect weather. BBQ chicken, potato salad, corn on the cob followed up with a strawberry shortcake and candles so we could sing 'Happy Birthday' to B. She turned 5 a few days ago while they were touristing around.

 

You might not be able to tell, but Baby is holding her plate and spoon to eat shortcake while riding her bike. Why give up the cake if you can ride and eat at the same time?!

 

It was a short day visit, we're so glad they were able to visit!

 

Mauch Chunk Lake and Boulder Field

The kiddos had the day off school today. So instead of sitting around wishing we were going out of town for the four-day weekend we went to Mauch Chunk Lake and the Boulder Field. This is the same area DH and I went for our getaway a few weeks ago.  The lake is a usual woodland lake, except for tourisms' sake, they brought in a ton of sand for a proper beach. 

 

 

 

 

 

As the bathrooms were not unlocked, because it isn't officially open yet (tomorrow), we had to make a hasty exit to find a bathroom. We were thoroughly sun-soaked and Baby needed a nap, anyway. The potty was found (it was even a flusher!) and Baby napped on the way to the Boulder Field.

 

Remember this? Well, it was about 15 degrees warmer out there today, than when DH and I went. There was a small expedition, that somehow ended up being led by J.. As R. and I were batting branches out of our faces and ducking under tree limbs, we asked ourselves who let him lead.

 

Great fun!

It feels so good to feel the hot sun on my skin after all those cold months shut indoors. Finding new spots to explore in PA is wonderful, now that Baby is easier to take along and my body is cooperating (thanks to the meds).

Thanks MOM!

My mom went home yesterday. It was such a great visit! I didn't take enough pictures, she took a ton but her camera refused to speak to my computer. 

  

Baby took to saying "Grandma" right away. She warmed up to Grandma even though she had no memory of her. Hopefully, if I print this picture out and put it in her little album she'll remember now.

I'm sorry to say that Grandma got sick while she visited. Baby, J. and A. all took a turn too. In fact J. took his turn the day before Mom and I planned to go to Lancaster. Because he had a fever and blew chunks the day before, he couldn't go to school, so he went to Lancaster with us. Give me the horrid mom of the year award, because he wasn't totally better, but real ice cream and a fresh pretzal will make anybody feel better, right?!

 

 

 

 

What a beautiful day!

The above photos are from the Bird-In-Hand Bake Shop, the playground and animal area, which was recommended to me by my friend Joanie. She gave us great info about Lancaster, where to drive to see wonderful vistas of farmland, and where to get the best goodies. I got to know Joanie when I helped with my friend's wedding. She is a friend that I will count as a blessing of service, someone I wouldn't have come to know if not for serving. She even drove the maps over to my house and called the day after we went to see if we had a good time!

Mom, I hope you felt the gratitude we have for you coming to visit. We appreciate you caring for our kids so we could get away for a few days, and for everyday that you helped us with them. Thank you for your help with the garden (I put down the newspaper and grass clippings today) and yard. I feel like I can just sit back and watch it grow for a while now.

 

We love Grandma!

It was a little easier to say goodbye this time than previous visits, because we'll see each other in just 5 weeks, when our family goes to Utah!

But now I have to get used to not having an adult around to talk to. And my cell phone is dead. So, I may start talking to myself.

When laws are changed it effects everyone.

There is so much paper flying in Washington I'm surprised the paper companies aren't single handedly keeping the stock market afloat - with both the paper the laws are written on, and the paper money is printed on. It feels impossible to keep up on every new development. Am I a pessimist to think that maybe it is on purpose?

One of the newest developments in Washington's speedy litany is something that strikes close to home for me. But if I were casually reading the newspaper I would have missed it. See, DH works in life insurance. Specifically, the company he works for manages corporate-sponsored life insurance; the kind of life insurance President Obama would love to tax, literally, to death to pay for his new health care plan. If President Obama's plan goes through, my husband would be out of work. Along with over 100 other people that work at the small business he is employed by.

The ironic thing about all of this is that this proposal is touted as doing exactly the opposite. In this article it is claimed that these tax revenues are being generated to ease the tax burdens of middle income families and small businesses.  I guess that is true, we'll have less of a tax burden when we have no income.

I think the powers that be feel that they can sneak this by the American people because it is a little bit complicated, deals with investments, and talks about taxing the rich more. Don't fool yourself into believing that taxing another man to death will make you richer. We're all connected. If that rich man doesn't have money to buy a car, you won't have a job in an auto factory.

And I shouldn't even get into how this move would further handicap our already struggling stock market and investment economy. The life insurance industry is all about investments. If you go in and start to tinker with how people are paid their dividends then you shake an already unstable market. Investors are already so nervous in our economic climate- This isn't what we need.

The Obama administration needs to slow down and let the dust settle on their first round of drastic changes before they make bad decision after bad decision, based on conjecture, that creates an economic firestorm that cannot be stopped.