lajendi

Diamond in the Rough (edited*)

 

     The BMI issue is continuing to haunt me. Last week there was an extra paper tucked into A's stellar report card. It was her health report from the school nurse. Her grades were above average, with something exceptional in every subject. She did so well, but there was that little stupid paper, with her BMI glaring, sucking the grandness out of her scholarly accomplishments. 

     Then yesterday I helped in the kitchen at the stake youth fireside. There was a great guy who is a wonderful cook and made all the food (and it was awesome!), he works in a college library, ultra intelligent, friendly, well-spoken and whose wife is expecting a baby any day. Everything is going great in his life - except his BMI. He went to the doctor this month and got the same news my daughter and I did - we're obese. While we discussed BMI's with a group of people, another man spoke up about signing his daughter up for dance lessons. He was told that there are several dance academies in the area that his neighbors steered them away from because they are so focused on the weight of the little girls in their programs.  

     This morning I can't help but feel that there is a reason this theme is repeating itself. At the gym this morning as I laid on the mat stretching after walking/running and biking (mixing it up to keep boredom and pain away) I thought about what to do, if I should do anything. Something came to my mind- 

     My friend Traci once told me something that she loved about her family growing up. There were many kids in her family and several of the older siblings were excelled in academics. They repeatedly came home with great report cards. Then there was her younger brother, his grades bucked the norm in their household, they were not good. The attitude her parents took is that every person is different, that they all had different talents and abilities and that school was not one of her brother's talents, as it was for other members of the family. Her parents helped her brother with his schoolwork and told him that he had other talents, some that hadn't even been found yet. The other kids were told to support their brother and never think less of him because his talents weren't the same as theirs. It was a struggle for him, emotionally and scholastically. *Eventually he did find his talents- he became great at soccer, is the life of the party and took it upon himself to read the Book of Mormon as a teenager. With hard work and diligence he went on to earn his MBA and is now a stock broker. His parents were supportive and enabled his success because they valued him and his talents even before those talents had been fully realized.

     I am impressed by Traci's parents. They believed fully in God's plan for their son. They put their trust in their son, believing that he had amazing talents even if they couldn't see them. Instead of pressuring their son to meet the standards of their other children, they recognized that he was different and valued that difference. They still expected him to try in areas that he didn't excel in, but they didn't pressure him to the point of feeling like a failure. 

     At the gym I tossed these thoughts around in my head, wondering if I can be that kind of parent for A. Can I help her make efforts in an area she isn't good in, while still keeping her personal view of her worth intact?

     Then I heard the nearby exercise instructor say, "David! We need a concert over here, it's her birthday!" I looked over at David who was ambling over to the birthday girl.

     David is at the gym everyday, lifting weights, using the stairclimber, and who knows what else, because he is there before me and stays long after I leave! David has physical disabilities so that his body doesn't work with him, it seems to work against him (cerebral palsy maybe?). Those muscles that rebel against the impulses his brain sends are well-toned from his fierce determination and exercise. Despite the fact that David will never run a race or compete in a fitness competition, he works as hard as those that do. 

     David pulled a harmonica out of no-where and begun to play a blues-y version of "Happy Birthday". It was the best harmonica I've ever heard in person. David has found a way to make his body work for him, he's found talent amidst his shortcomings. It's like his own personal diamond in the rough. We're all a little rough, but we all also have at least one diamond hiding inside us as well. Probably a few emeralds and rubies too. 

     We can't let the world tell us that what we have to give isn't important or worthwhile if it doesn't meet certain criteria. Analyze what your definition of success really is. What I want for my children is happiness and fulfillment, not bags of money (which is what the world thinks success is). Every person can be successful, not every person can be rich or famous. While bodyweight may be a struggle for many of us (and it is important because it effects our longevity and quality of life), it doesn't mean that our other qualities are diminished because of it. I'm just sick of the world trying to tell me, and my family, that we're not up to par. In the end what par is doesn't even matter because I'm not playin' golf!

*After I initially wrote this post I checked my facts with Traci, she corrected a few details about her brother's story. She does have a brother who is a sculptor, I just mixed up which one it is!

More Christmas Miracles

This is so fun, I love love love my online friends. One of them is Tracy at Dandelion Mama (Mormon Mommy Wars too). She's had a rough two years - DH out of work and now they are divorcing. She is taking care of the kids on her own and trying to earn a living through her crafty business. Then her computer died. It was revived and died again. Then this happened!!!

Wanting a laptop myself (coveting is a better word) I could just imagine how she felt opening the package. Yipee for her, it is so fun! This is what gets me in the Christmas spirit... 

And taking a Final Exam in 30 minutes because it was so easy!

And not having that exam looming over me!

And hearing that Avatar is actually good, and we live just 45 min from a 3D theater!

And having hot cocoa at seminary this morning because Allison is so awesome!

And listening to part of the Christmas devotional last night! (We missed it Sunday)

And having a wonderful experience talking to the young women last night!

 (Although I had a heckler - One of the YW I know well kept making comments. I asked her a question at the beginning and I guess she thought I needed her two cents the rest of the way through. For instance: I was saying that the Holy Ghost has the title of "The Comforter", with a big "C" not a little "c", that's how good he is at comforting us. She laughed and said, "Little 'c', yeah, like that means anything." That girl is somethin' else.)

If you want to add to my Christmas spirit, email your snail mail address to me so I can send you a Christmas card - it will have our family picture in it!

Thanks for... People

This week my writing (private, not for blog) led me to think about how my life has changed over the >gulp< decades. Where God leads my life continues to amaze me. Not that God railroads me, I'm happy to go where he takes me. Just that my vision for myself is shortsighted. I get to a point in life that I think is OK and he ramps it up, telling me that "OK" is not good enough. 

So I have been thinking about how far I've come, that I've become a strong, faithful, and courageous woman. As I partook of the sacrament yesterday, alone because the rest of the family were home sick, I felt the spirit whisper that my progress would not have happened without the Savior. This is a future post in my thankful series, but it relates to my gratitude for people.  Without the healing of the atonement I wouldn't be able to function, I would be overwhelmed by the guilt of sin, and stuck in habits I'd like to rid myself of. But without good, strong people surrounding me I wouldn't have climbed out of my past either.  It reminds me of that famous quote by President Kimball:

 "God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs."

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There have been influential people lining the path of my life. My high school art teacher, Mr. Case. Other teachers: Mrs. Hewlett, Ms. Fowler, and a physics teacher who put me right on the front row and made me succeed.  My youth leaders: Sister Coburn, Brother and Sister Perez, Bishop Bergener. My seminary teachers, Brother Cassiday, Sister Farr, Brother Hawkins, and the last one whose name I can't remember! Women in my wards who taught me how to serve, most of them by being a good example, but there were a few who taught me what NOT to do. There were leaders who led well. There have been co-workers who were just there everyday with a positive attitude. 

Then the friends, I can't even begin to list them by name! Real friends. Friends who were friends just for a day as our paths quickly crossed, or those I still consider friends even though I haven't spoken to them in years. The memory of all of them adds to my life. I have found, now living in an area where my peers are in short supply, how valuable friends are. 

This post about people would be a complete joke if I didn't talk about the people who've treated me badly too. It is inevitable, being hurt by people. The test is in how we respond to it. As I wrote this post I got an unpleasant phone call from someone who calls herself my friend. What are ya gonna do? Maybe shed a tear, talk to DH out of frustration, and then move on. Having the support of my truest, bestest friend - my husband - makes it easier to deal with the fair-weather types. (no picture for this paragraph!)

Family, they're people too! But I won't get started down that thankful road today, I'm not ready for all that emotion just yet. I'll do a whole post on them later too. I miss them, that I know, like a phantom limb - it's not there but you can still feel it, a part of you that is missing. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I could see them more often, I think so much better (sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows?) . But I have to be content with the way things are, far from them.

I'm grateful for what I've learned from people, which is just about everything I know.  People are good, they just don't always know how to show it. 

Yea for People!

Religious Freedom addendum

After posting Elder Oak's talk yesterday I open my newspaper this morning to find an article about the Prop 8 battle (gay marriage) being played out in Maine. Not all that surprising to find this continuing, but what was surprising to me was the wording of the ballot. It is so obviously biased, confusing, and contradictory I hope it will be legally challenged. 

Maine residents will vote Nov. 3 on the People's Veto, titled: "An Act To End Discrimination in Civil Marriage and Affirm Religious Freedom."

 The words on the ballot: "Do you want to reject the new law that lets same-sex couples marry and allows individuals and religious groups to refuse to perform these marriages?"

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In the car this morning I listened to 10 minutes of NPR (Radio Times audio file) where an evolution expert claims that there are small ignorant pockets of creationists but the majority of Americans agree that we are cousins to cats, bears, and monkeys. He was so blatantly insulting to any religious person I couldn't stand to listen any longer. It is simple hate mongering. In his book he compares creationists (those that believe God created the earth) to the holocaust deniers. In his words it's a "God delusion".

At the same time I have a hard time believing an educated man would really be so obviously hateful towards religion. I want to go back and listen just to understand how we can live on the same planet and so hugely disagree.  His words are so harsh that I feel his desire is not to create a real dialog and opportunities for learning but to promote his own celebrity and ego, and to justify his own atheistic beliefs. 

Faith, Miracles, and a New Calling

Almost a month ago I wrote an essay for Mormonwomen.org about faith and miracles. As sometimes happens, the essay just didn't fit in the schedule for a while. Today this essay, that deals with some issues which are very personal, is posted.

It is not a coincidence that on the same day my own essay reminds me of faith and hope, I receive a new calling at church. It took a huge amount of faith to accept this calling. With all that is happening in my life, it was a leap of faith to say "yes". That scene from the 3rd Indiana Jones movie comes to mind - the one where Indiana has to step into what looks like a giant chasm, but there turns out to be an optical illusion and there really is a rock bridge under his feet.

I feel like I've just taken the step, but my foot hasn't landed on solid ground yet. I don't know that I can do this calling, stay healthy, take care of my family, and continue with college classes. I don't know at all. But I have faith.

"faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." Alma 32:21

I believe that God knows what is going on with my body and will lead me to get the help I need to serve him. I also know that God, through his servants (my church leaders), has asked me to serve him in this specific way - in a calling that demands not only faithful understanding of the gospel but also that I be an example.

Honestly, I'm scared, I don't have a perfect knowledge of how this will work out. I do know it won't be easy, even the stake counselor that called me told me as much.

What I do know is what I've learned from my previous callings. I know that God will help me accomplish more than I could ever do without him. I know that God can help me serve while being ill, or he can heal me. I know that I have choices, I can change my life to fit what God asks of me. I know that my husband is supportive and loving, that he will help me manage. I know God will help and bless my family in ways I can't see now. I know that I will have wonderful uplifting, and fun, experiences serving as the 2nd counselor in the stake young women's presidency.

National Parks by Ken Burns

Here's a reminder to watch the new Ken Burns documentary The National Parks on PBS. It actually started last night but I forgot to remind you.  If you missed the first episode in the series you can watch it online.

 I would be a different person without our family trips to National Parks.

I remember learning endurance when, as a tiny child, my parents tortured my small frail legs by forcing me to hike at Arches National Park. Only to then hike it as an adult and learn that I was being a whiner all those years ago. Then I saw the pictures and realized that they made me hike in a dress and then I  knew that they were mean!

We went to Yellowstone too, the National Park and an elementary school named after it. The paint pots were hysterically funny- What's not to love about a naturally occuring feature that smells and sounds like farts and makes bubbles?! Old Faithful Geyser is such a part of who I am that it is astonishing to me that my children haven't been there, how could I be so derelict in my parental duties? It is so fresh in my mind, but really it has been too long since I've felt the geyser spray on my face. The lake, the falls, the hikes that are too long because you want to see just one more rainbow pool. We've got to get back there.

I think it was there that my Dad first taught us about manners in nature. Pick up everything, but not the flowers. Stay on the trail. Don't touch animals, never feed them. Be quiet. Leave it better than you found it. These rules were sacred. I mean even more than when we were at home. I felt it when we were out there.

My parents were brave. There was a trip, in my faint memory, down to the dusty southwest. Mesa Verde and Carlsbad Caverns. Being the parent of children now I know they must have had a deep desire to see those places to be willing to drag four children along. It could not have been a picnic. At Mesa Verde there was whining about heat and lack of water. Now I wish, I really really wish, I could remember seeing it.

At Carlsbad my little brother freaked out so Mom spent her day sitting on the rim of the cave. Back then I didn't think a wit about what my parents were getting out of it. At Carlsbad I thought how cool it was to ride an elevator in a cave. Then I got chills, and not the scared kind, as I watched the bats rush out of the cave by the hundreds. When we got home I loved to tell my friends where I went on my summer vacation. Not to Disneyland, but to Mesa Verde and Carlsbad Caverns. It just danced off my tongue.

That's just a few I can think of this afternoon. Thank you to all of you co-owners in the National Parks. I've used more than my fair share of them in my lifetime, but I still need to see those Giant Redwoods and Yosemite.

Tell me, how have you used the National Parks? And which one do you want to see that you haven't yet?

The Study of Behavior

Even though I'm on vacation I have been studying for a final exam. The course is Writing for the Social Sciences, and as part of the course I wrote a research paper about adolescent psychology. Tomorrow, when I take the final (on vacation) I will be required to write a memo reflecting on my research paper.

Honestly since writing that paper I have become more cynical about psychology's ability to help teenagers. Don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing out the whole profession or even the theories. It's just that I see the holes more clearly now.

When I spoke to the Adolescent Psychologist on my jury about her profession she nearly told me to run the other way.  She said that counseling troubled teenagers is a fruitless endeavor- that most of their issues come from the messed up families they live in. When I asked about the usefulness of family therapy she said that the parents blame the dysfunction on the teens so nothing ever changes, even in that setting. Great view of the world isn't it?

So that left me thinking about sociology. Could changes be effected in society that would make for stronger families, and thus individuals?

In the end that thought is all backwards. It isn't society that makes families strong - it is strong families that make a strong society. (Although strong families do need the structure of a good government to succeed.) That led me back to a well-used quote from Elder Packer, "True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior."

So here I am, an LDS woman, becoming a psychologist. How do these ideas gel? If I truly believe this quote then my time and energies would be best focused on teaching the gospel. Yet, in our little struggling branch I feel overwhelmed and unsuccessful at helping people change their lives.

To me, some concepts of the gospel are hidden within psychological theories (naysayers would say the opposite is true). So in being a psychologist you are, in a way, sharing true doctrines; which then, if understood by the client, changes their behavior (if it brings forth good fruit...). Can we then admit to a connection between psychology and church work? I know, reaching too far probably, but I'm just trying to figure out how to get a paycheck while helping people. The limitations of this world are just holding me back ;)

BTW- that talk by Elder Packer is a great one. I didn't set out to read it tonight but it lifted my spirits and gave a little enlightenment.

Ok, well, see you later.

We dropped off our oldest daughter, R., at EFY this morning. It was an interesting experience. It was a glimpse of the past and the future.

We've been tromping around Provo for a week now and seem to be hitting all of the soft spots in my mind. We went to Brick Oven for pizza- DH took me there on one of our first dates when I told him I loved cheesecake. Then I ate so much that I couldn't even stand the thought of dessert.

Driving around Provo Canyon and Cascade Springs reminded me of those feckless days of youth, unencumbered with children.  It also brought up names of friends I haven't seen since our tubing excursions down the Provo River.

Today we went to Sconecutter for lunch, that goes back in my memory so far I can't put my finger on the first time I ate there. Scones are a uniquely inter-mountain delicacy, at least as far as I've found in my limited travels. Fry sauce falls in that category too, I was sooo excited to get it at Sconecutter and Granny's (in Heber).

The line to check-in R. for EFY was in the parking lot of the church building DH and I attended when we were newlyweds. DH's great church responsibility then consisted of preparing the sacrament table each week. Hefting that loaf of bread to church each Sunday sure got tiresome ;)

After R. checked in, we took her to her room at Heritage Halls. I never lived there, but many people I know did. As I walked into her small dorm room - which seemed far too small to contain two teenagers for a week, let alone grown college students for an entire semester - I was transported back over too many years that have past since I had ridiculously good times in dorm rooms: Art retreats, youth conferences, visiting friends in their dorms (how did we fit three people into a DT dorm room Jules?). I've been praying that all goes well for R. this week. After that wonderful feeling flooded over me I knew that she would have a such a good time that it would be seared in her memory so well that 20 years from now she'd want to laugh at the memory and cry that those days were past.

 

(this is the makeover version of the room R. is in)

R. had some time to burn until her group was supposed to meet up so we took her to the BYU Creamery for ice cream (you can't get freezes in PA either) and then drove around campus. We said it was to show her around, but really it was more like a memory game for DH and I. Could we remember the names and purposes for all the buildings or would we be confused by all that had changed since the good ol' days? Of course a huge point of interest on that drive was Campus Plaza where I lived for the first year of college and met DH. From a distance it hasn't seemed to change, I couldn't bring myself to pull into the parking lot.

 

So while some parents may say that dropping their kids off at EFY is too much like the first day of Kindergarten, I'm not one of them. All I see is a bright future ahead for my daughter who is wonderful enough to take it all in, walk away from her parents and say, "OK, well... see you later!"

No Focus

Many moons ago, before I could even imagine being 35 years old (I had to say that one last time, my b-day is on Fri.), I failed the IB Art exam. The examiner's largest criticism was that I lacked focus. My snotty response to this helpful criticism was, "I'm only 17, how can I focus when I don't even know all there is to choose from?!"

Although it may have been arrogant for me to argue with feedback from a seasoned art professional, who had more years in the art world than I had actually breathed in this world, I still feel like the comment I madeback then was valid. At that time I had dabbled in intaglio printmaking, silk screening t-shirts, painting in acrylics and mish-mash sculpture. But the major medium of the visual art world, oil paint, hadn't even touched my brush.

My largest art influence was my high school art teacher, Mr. Case. To explain his influence on me would make a brilliant guide on how to teach obnoxious teenagers real art (not ceramics or dot-to-dots). He had the guts to teach this 16 year old the complicated and somewhat dangerous techniques of intaglio printmaking. Those who interviewed me for college were so impressed that I received offers for scholarships at two universities, despite my lack of focus. I completely concede that it was his scholarship as much as mine that started my college years.

Towards the end of my senior year in high school a new art teacher encouraged me to try watercolor. I told her of my previous efforts and the result- infuriating mud. She insisted. So with her patience over my shoulder, I painted a wonderful set of watercolor still lifes. She was so supportive of my watercolor work that she purchased two paintings. Ms. Budd and Mr. Case had shown me not just printmaking and watercolors, but the multiplicity of the world.

There are so many options available to us at any one point in time, and we are forced to choose in every moment. But as we move forward in life and the moment changes, it allows for a change in us, which opens the doors to opportunities we may assume are closed. Ok, a little hard to explain, let me give an example.

Baskin Robbins, home of the lusted after 31 flavors of my youth, is a great example. As a kid I was hooked on Daiquiri Ice (alcoholism primer? Mom says I loved the neighbor's holiday rum balls too). On the few occasions that we did go to the smorgasbord of ice cream, Daiquiri Ice was my pick. When I went to B.R. I had a other options, but I stuck with the old standby- I focused in on Daiquiri Ice. Problem is, I missed out on the other 30 flavors! Because I had time (multiple visits over the years) and choice (31 flavors baby!) I could have broadened my ice cream horizons. I could have experienced more than 31 flavors over the years. Then after years of this I was forced to choose other flavors, because Daiquiri Ice lost it's place on the 31 flavors hot list. Guess what? I found out that I really like those other flavors. So I lost my focus.

The problem with my 31 flavors analogy is that life and art have many more options that just 31. Honestly, I feel like I never want to be stuck on Daiquiri Ice mode ever again. Life is rich and bounteous, too much so to ever stick with just one method, career, or art technique. There are some things in my life that will never change and that must never change to have a certain quality of life- my family and faith. Beyond that, the deep dark universe has no limits. In fact I hear it is growing, even now as you read, increasing our opportunities every minute. How could I possibly limit myself with a focus?

This is why I want to write AND get a college education to become a psychologist. This is why I want a nap AND to finish reading my book while baby is napping. This is why I'm making ice cream from scratch AND stir fry tonight. This is also why I'm exhausted AND have too many incomplete projects. This is also why my art career hasn't made any progress in 15 years. Sorry Mr. Case and Ms. Bud.

um, LIVE!...um.

Have you ever recorded yourself giving a speech? I had to do it this evening and listening to it made my skin crawl. Why is it that the sound of our own voice does that? Really the biggest thing I felt uncomfortable with was the number of "um"s. Holy Cow! Do I sound like that all the time? I assume I do it when I talk in church too. I swear, every 5 words I threw in a quiet "um". Maybe it's my new method of meditation. Some people say "ohm" I say "um" while I'm actually talking.

I will be turning in the recording for a grade. It will be marked down for all the meditation (ums), but now that I'm so self conscious about it, it would be even worse if I tried recording it again.

So, um, thanks for reading, um, the blog today. Um, maybe tomorrow, um, after this last, um, assignment is over. UM. I can get back to, um, blogging more regularly. UM.

But then again, the kids are out of school, so I won't make any promises. um.