I've just come in from reading in the backyard as the light slowly disappeared. The lilac bush in the far corner of the yard spreads it's scent up to the patio and the bugs aren't yet out in full force. At bedtime the kids came out to kiss me goodnight, Baby even took her binki out to give me a proper kiss. I finished the last few chapters of a book that was good for distraction and leisure. It was a beautiful, peaceful evening to end a gorgeous spring Sunday. A day you don't want to end, as if you could hold onto sun and the scent of lilacs.
The last week has been very full, active with underlying concerns. But I've been reluctant to write about my worries, not knowing what parts are mine to tell.
There's been potty training with Baby. I wanted to do it before fostering started. Although I realize that regression is a possibility if sharing mommy with a foster sibling is too traumatic. That's OK, as I told the social worker, we have a carpet cleaner. I'm taking potty training with a more relaxed attitude than before. I'm concerned about my peace of mind, and Baby's. It's comforting to be aware of my limits, while at the same time not frightened or self-conscious about them. Baby is doing well, "tinkling" in the potty about once a day and still farting every time she attempts. Where all that gas comes from I don't know.
My little sister has had some changes in her life, job change, living situation change. I'm hopeful that it will all lead her to better things. That's how life has happened for me anyway - it's too scary to jump out of a sure thing into the unknown, so God takes away the sure thing so that we have no choice but to jump. Finding out that the new is better takes time and faith, but somehow it is better eventually.
My Daddy has a doctor appointment. I keep saying that's all it is and everything will be fine.
You know, I've lost very few close family members. My grandma died when I was just a baby. While I've missed not knowing her, I didn't feel the actual loss. When her husband, my grandpa died a few years ago it was sad, but right. His body was not a fitting shelter for his vibrant spirit any longer. My sister-in-law passed away very young, it was so hard to watch my brother loose her. I felt like I barely had time to know her.
A few weeks ago I asked my Mom the age of her parents. "Grandpa is 89!" she said. 'That's old', I thought,'people die in their 90s' and I took a slow, deep breath. That's how blessed I am, my family lives so long, I think the 90s are when people die. Not like anyone ever dies when they're younger.
Today I prayed for my Auntie Edith. She's been one of my most loyal blog readers. Even though she rarely comments, I know she's there keeping in touch from far away. A closer relationship with her has been one of my great blessings of blogging.
She's in the hospital, was in the ICU. When I spoke to her today she was in the step down unit, meaning that she's getting better. We had a really wonderful talk, her description of feeling the prayers for her is a realization that I treasure. She told me how prayers that are offered are felt by the recipient and heard in the heavens. Although those we love pass through difficult things, the love and peace of God is a real comfort unlike any other. Thankfully many of those prayers are also being answered by her church family who have sat at her bedside, cared for her kitties and garden, and made her feel loved through service that I'm too distant to give. Her description of their service has inspired me to be more diligent in serving and praying for those in need where I am.
I prayed for my aunt to feel hopeful, to have the support she needs to heal. How surprised I was to be supported and taught of hope by her. She has a long recovery ahead, I am amazed by her fortitude, hope and testimony.
These are my 'out of reach' concerns. My family is so far away, I prefer not to realize the immensity of how far - I could never walk. Their problems are still real to me, tugging at my heart as I go about my day. The tears I couldn't stop in church today were for them. There is a tie with family, blood and sinew holding hearts and spirits together through the miles and the problems. I am far away but you are not far from my thoughts.