Get your brain in gear, do some mental push-ups or something because I've been doin' some thinkin' about choosin'.
When we make a choice there are so many factors that play into it that it can be hard to account for it all. But I think it is safe to say that in most conscious decisions we make there is an amount of consideration for how it effects others.
For some decisions it is very important for us to assess the impact on others. Driving my car on the sidewalk is one example- very important to consider the health and well-being of others when deciding to do such a thing. Then there are other choices, most of the ones we realistically make, which should NOT be belabored for another's benefit. You call me cruel and insensitive to others, do you? Call on because I'll take the abuse if it helps reality, truth and reason govern our choices.
The first reason I give is that you are making a decision based on inaccurate or incomplete information. You NEVER fully know the effects, intended or accidental, of the choices you make. It's just part of being human, we can't see into the future- no really, you can't.
You also NEVER fully know another's feelings about an issue. You can talk to them ad nauseum about it, thinking you know their heart and soul, but feelings change and verbal communications can be inefficient in relaying true feelings.
Being a religious person I sometimes see people, good Christian people, make choices for others believing that they know better for that person. An example will clarify what I mean- Let's say Widow Smith has been offered a Christmas ham and she politely refused it. We might jump to the conclusion that from our view she really needs it (Look how skinny the woman is!) and that she should accept it instead of just being polite by refusing, so we must drop it off on her porch and run away so she can't give it back. How about instead of assuming that she's lying about not wanting the ham we believe that she doesn't want it? Yes, we are assuming deception by the other person when we make a choice in place of their own. We also send a message- a patronizing demeaning message- 'you can't make your own choice'. So now not only does Widow Smith feel that her voiced choice is not of value to you, she has a Christmas ham she doesn't need because she has dinner invitations from family, hot dates and a hefty pocketbook with which she uses to indulge in filet mignon every time she cooks dinner for herself. (So what does this mean about what you are you telling yourself when you don't listen to your own feelings?)
The second reason we should not give too much credence to others in our decision making process is that often we use other's feelings as justification instead of assessing our own. You don't truly own your decision when you're overly deferential towards another. It is amazing the lengths some people will go to to avoid taking accountability for their choices. Most of the time they don't even realize they are doing it. How do I know this? Because I've done it myself, I'd like to say I've conquered this error in my character but habits are hard to break. There are serious disservices done when we don't make a choice based on our own feelings.
When we don't take our own feelings into account we stifle the most important resource we have been given. If we were given a 3 page paper (double spaced, with graphs) about the decision we're about to make it would seem stupid not to read it to make a more enlightened choice. But in effect that is what we do when we ignore our own feelings about an issue. We can never be sure of another's reactions to our choice but the one thing we can be sure of is how we feel about it (if we've taken the time to be real about our own emotions).
The other thing we do when we put what we think are other's best interests in front of our own is that we rob ourselves of the consequences. Sometimes we think of consequences only in a negative light but consequences are good too. When we don't truly make our own choices we cannot fully claim these beneficial consequences, like diamonds slipping through our fingers. And although we may not enjoy negative consequences they enable us to learn. Not fully realizing consequences robs us of knowledge and success. Now before you go brushing off those two things (who needs to be smarter? And success, well I'm above needing success, I'm being the better person here, right?) let me tell you that these two things are among the important things life is about.
I must define success before we go on. When I say success, I don't mean money and fame as most in the modern world define it. What I mean by success is accomplishment and understanding- when we figure out that A+B=C and then apply it to our lives. So I guess inherent in success is knowledge, but not all the time and knowledge does not always equal success so we'll keep them two separate benefits of making our own choices. I'm getting overly complicated here, but believe me, we want more knowledge and success, it's moving forward on this human journey instead of being stuck behind the disconnection roadblock.
At the beginning of this post I had no idea where it was headed- just tryin' to sort out some things in my own head about making my own choices and why others insist on choosing for me when I've told them already. Hear me now and believe me later* when I tell you and let's get on with learnin' from the consequences.
*do you remember Hans and Franz? It's early in the morning, cut me some slack.
Lots of thinking, I hope it helps. Like the new format, though it confused me for a minute. Sent you a package today, you should get it on Wed. I hope. Love you!
Posted by: readerMom | December 08, 2008 at 03:38 PM
I like your train of thought. I especially jive with the consequenses thing. sometimes, though, God makes a decision for me that seriously I wouldn't have made for myself (like for example, getting pregnant), and it will turn out good (i hope) because He does know what's best for me. TMI?
btw- i like your holiday decor!
Posted by: jules | December 08, 2008 at 09:38 PM