In my post from a week ago I mentioned sharing a few words about my faith publicly, in church. Since then I've had a few members of the congregation ask me about it. Specifically they ask: do I really not want to leave? At first I was somewhat surprised by the probing question and joked that I must have just been on a spiritual high and didn't know what I was saying. Today as I spoke to someone about it again I felt it reconfirmed, I REALLY don't want to leave.
Several months ago it was of great concern to me that our family was missing something great by having a different sort of church experience. We only have about 12 kids at church every week (unlike 100 or more some units deal with), so my kids actually get spoken to individually and have a turn to participate. Every teacher knows their names and many others know their names too. What is so bad about that? They don't get mammoth productions for extra activities, they don't even get one every 3 months. So what? That isn't what the gospel of Jesus Christ is about. They do go on visits to the poor and the needy. They have shared their home with children less fortunate than themselves. They don't choose friends by skin color. They know what it means when Dad says he won't be home on Saturday because he has to make the bishop's storehouse run (taking food to those in need). I like this kind of education my children are getting. It does come with hazards, there are trade-offs I realize, but it is well worth it.
This choice to serve is not easy. It feels like choosing spiritual combat duty, it doesn't come without it's scars and PTSD. I wonder how long to keep doing it without causing long term damage; but then I look at the old men I sustain as prophets, and figure if they can keep plugging away at it, then I can too. Although I do still humbly ask for greater health and strength to manage it.
This scripture was one I came across in my reading this week. 1 Nephi 14:14 "I, Nephi, beheld the power of the Lamb of God, that it descended upon the saints of the church of the Lamb, and upon the covenant people of the Lord, who were scattered upon all the face of the earth; and they were armed with righteousness and with the power of God in great glory."
Through this week, in pondering, reading, conversations, just all of my interactions (including, not MORE = better) I feel that the major part of 'better' that I need is more love. When I think of someone to emulate (Christ is a target so far flung I feel sure to miss), an example I have seen in real life, picturing her actions and knowing how her gentle, loving demeanor would come across in a situation- I think of my Great Aunt Diane. She seems always to be at peace with a loving smile. I haven't spent much time with her in my life, but the times I have are always filled with happiness, and an extra measure of love- perhaps the love, her sister, my Grandma Shirley would give if she were here.
So she is on my mind, in my heart, as I try to live with a greater outward flow of love. It does no good to have love in my heart, if it isn't felt by those around me.
"Look up, my soul; be not cast down.
Keep not thine eyes upon the ground.
Break off the shackles of the earth.
Receive, my soul, the spirit’s birth.
And now as I go forth again
To mingle with my fellowmen,
Stay thou nearby, my steps to guide,
That I may in thy love abide."
Hymn #158, Before Thee, Lord, I Bow My Head (3rd verse)
Text and music: Joseph H. Dean, 1855–1947
That is a cool way to describe it...spiritual combat duty. You are doing good work and I'm glad you are surviving! I think soon you'll be thriving and then...well, then you'll probably move. Ha ha! I think of my son on his mission. Four months to go and he is thriving. He is so sad that he's coming home. (Not me though!)
Posted by: Pam | March 09, 2009 at 10:30 AM
I like the spiritual combat duty too, especially the part without the PTSD! :) I grew up in a similar ward as your children are, only we all spoke English. I wouldn't trade that to be a ward of 30 Young Women. I was able to have a such an amazing relationship with two of my YW's leaders because of it.
Posted by: Sweet Escape | March 09, 2009 at 08:12 PM
Thanks for the encouragement :)
Pam, I can't believe he'll be home that soon, time flies, especially since I'm not his mom!
Hiroko, thankfully most of the kids at church speak English, they pick it up quickly once they reach school. For the really little kids we have a teacher who speaks Spanish and English, thankfully. Thanks for letting me know about your YW experience, I know my daughter's is much different than mine was.
Posted by: jendoop | March 10, 2009 at 10:47 PM