In today's society we are supposed to be sorely afraid of aging. I mean SORELY, as in going through massive amounts of pain (and money) to look younger than we are. IMHO this is messed up. Age has it's benefits. Not that I'm over the hill or anything, but I've got a few years on me. DH and I will celebrate our 17th anniversary this summer. I am mother to a 14 year old. There are qualities that come with those years I wouldn't trade for anything. So I warn you in advance, I will be keeping my wrinkles to prove it.
Today I realized one of those qualities, gained from the passage of time - I no longer have an urge to prove my worth. Seriously. There have been times in my life I claimed this, not true then. I did hope to make it true though.
The number of hours and overburdened thoughts that went into proving my worth: inestimable. Everyone was a participant in my value contest; family members, friends, church leaders, casual acquaintances. I wanted everyone to like me, it felt necessary for them to like me and to think I was an amazing person. Now I know that to be happy = truly being myself. Which means I cannot be happy guessing what other people think I should do, so that they will think I am good.
It has taken me this many years to realize what Popeye told me all those years ago on Saturday morning cartoons, "I yam, what I yam!" (translation for you non-Popeye speakers: "I am what I am!")
This is me (not the yam!). I'm a work in progress. I don't claim perfection. I'm doing the best I can. I think you're doing the best you can too - so let's just get along. If you don't want to get along, I'll do what I can to find common ground because I like people.
Honestly, not feeling the need to prove myself may have come from more than just the sheer accumulation of years. Being sick has pulled me down a peg or two and opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn't fooling anyone. And if I were, I don't have the energy or time to continue foolin'.
For example, yesterday when my niece exclaimed, "I can't sit on that chair, it's all sticky!"
I smiled and said, "Sorry sweetie, we have alot of kids in this house, things get sticky."
That was the moment I knew something had changed inside of me. Because the old me would have rushed over with a sponge, embarassed, and coming up with some story of having pancakes that morning or something. It is, what it is. No embarassment or hard feelings, hopefully J&K don't put off visiting with us another 4 years because they stuck to the chairs ;)
Another factor in my calling it quits to the value game is my relationship with God. I'm no saint, I've got alot of work to do (some days I wonder how he looks upon backward progress). But, I know he looks at a person's desires, at their heart, in the grand scheme of things. He is the only judge that really matters. And honestly, I don't feel much judgment coming from him, mostly love and encouragement (sometimes by way of a kick in the pants). But maybe that's just because it's been a while since I read the Old Testament.
Don't get me wrong though. I still care about your feelings, your comfort in my home, that I am your friend. I just don't base my value as a human being on it any longer. Keep the compliments coming too (not that I'm fishing for them or anything..), it is nice to know when I do something well so I can try for repeat performances; it can be hard to tell from this side how things appear to you.
So now that we've come to the end of this post and you are sick of hearing about me, I will say:
You do know all of this applies to you too. Keep your wrinkles, stop overthinking what others think, you're a work in progress, find a way to be OK with God and let's just enjoy sticking to each other's kitchen chairs. Because in the end there's no proving it, it is a known fact - you are worth something, alot in fact.
This is AWESOME.
Posted by: ~j. | May 24, 2009 at 11:57 PM
I love it!! I am SO still working on this...I want to be like you when I grow up:-) Thank you for helping me get there...
Posted by: Caren | May 25, 2009 at 01:28 AM