In my calling at church I have the opportunity to attend conferences around our area. Usually at these conferences I hear great men speak, it is a definite blessing associated with my service. Yesterday one of those great men gave a talk about forgiveness. It was perfect. Honestly, I don't know that he could have added anything to make it better. And to top it off he lives it, he's such a humble, loving man. (In fact in one of the later meetings our stake president called him the most loving man in the stake. Something that I'm sure embarrassed him.)
As I listened to the talk about forgiveness, I did what I think the speaker wanted each hearer to do - I probed my heart for grudges and an unforgiving attitude. Do I hold a grudge against anyone? Who do I need to forgive? I was stunned to find that I held no such feelings. While I can think of many people that I need to apologize to, and ways in which I need to strive not to be offensive, I didn't find a grudge in my heart.
It may sound like I'm tooting my own horn here, but as I thought about it I realized that my attitude about forgiveness has been shaped by my family.
My sister once made a similar observation, that she holds no grudges. The only reason she could come up with is that it takes a lot of effort to hold a grudge and she's lazy. Now, I don't think my sister is lazy (despite the fact that she professes it often - I think she just has different priorities than productive people) but I do think she's on to something. I think one of the reasons I don't hold onto hard feelings is that it takes too much mental effort and scorekeeping. Ask my husband, I'm absolutely no good at numbers.
My husband, he's another reason I am able to forgive. From the earliest days of our relationship he's been teaching me about letting things go. Our first fight (heated negotiation) as a married couple was over him using a metal spatula to make dinner in our new teflon pan. Cardinal sin, right?! In my family normal people used a wooden spoon to make dinner, especially when using a teflon pan. Did the man have no respect for science? So we had this important debate and then sat down to dinner where he started asking how my day was and what should we do after dinner. If I was physically capable of doing it, my head would have spun around. His frustration and anger disappeared in about 2 seconds, while I wanted to go on fighting until he acquiesced. The thing is, it's hard to have a fight when the other person involved completely lets go of what you were fighting over. So over the years I've been forced to let things go by the mere fact that I have no sparring partner. Oh, there were a few times in our marriage where I've tried the pouting and vengeful attitude, but it never works for long. I like being friends with my husband too much to go without talking to him.
Listening to the talk about forgiveness yesterday and I thinking about my family, I wondered if this forgiving attitude was passed on as a habit of living from parent to child. So I thought back on what I know of my elders. Then I remembered something about my grandparents that brought tears to my eyes, realizing that forgiveness is a legacy from them.
My Grandma died when I was 6 months old, from cancer. My grandparents lived in Southern Utah, in the area considered downwind of the Nevada nuclear tests of the 1960s. When someone eventually connected the dots between my Grandma's cancer and being a 'downwinder' it surprised me. I felt a bit ripped off as a grand-daughter, that those stupid government tests had taken my grandma from me before I was old enough to remember her.
My Grandma was a nurse so when she began to have health issues she had a good idea of what the problem was. When the cancer was properly diagnosed she refused treatment. She had watched many people under her care at the hospital spend the last days of their lives miserable and seeking a cure that wouldn't come. So she told my Grandpa that she wanted to spend her last days at home with her family. When he told me this 30 years after her death he cried and said, "I should have made her, I should have done more."
While my Grandpa faulted himself in our conversation, I never heard him fault anyone else, including the government for it's nuclear testing. I asked once why Grandpa didn't pursue any legal action for my Grandma's death. The answer was that it wouldn't bring her back and it wouldn't make his life any better - that it would do no good.
An interesting sidenote to this family story is that years after my Grandma's death and Grandpa's decision not to get death benefits from the government, our family participated in a genetic study about cancer. They found that several of my family members have a gene that strongly indicates a likelihood of getting the kind of cancer that my Grandma died of. While this knowledge has been a burden, it is not the burden it could have been if my family had received money from the government for a cancer whose root cause was likely genetics - not nuclear particles.
This is my grandparent's legacy of forgiveness. I believe it blessed our family years ago and it continues to bless us, despite my Grandpa's death 3 years ago. While my family is far from perfect, and even my recollection of these events may be third hand and not as detailed as I would like, I remember my Grandpa as a man who forgave and passed a small part of that on to me.
you are really blessed to be surrounded by kind, forgiving people
Posted by: Julie | February 22, 2010 at 03:41 PM
"I think she just has different priorities than productive people" That made me laugh, thanks.
David and I talk about this sometimes, that being taught from an early age to be kind isn't the norm and people live like they've been taught. I am grateful for these kinds of teachings.
Posted by: readerMom | February 22, 2010 at 03:47 PM
Forgiveness is truly one of the most healing gifts that we can give ourselves. It takes a lot of negative energy to hold grudges, and even when we have been deeply wounded by another, part of our healing is letting go of the grudge and turning judgment over to the Lord. I, too, was meditating about whether or not I had forgiven everyone in my past, and thankfully discovered that I had. What a freeing experience!
Posted by: Carol | February 22, 2010 at 03:50 PM
Thanks so much for sharing that. I think I needed it.
Also, if anyone is interested. I have the contact people for the genetic testing at the University of Utah if any would like to be tested. I was tested and glad for it!
Posted by: Becky Smith | February 22, 2010 at 05:29 PM
Thank you for such a uplifting post!
Posted by: Darla | February 23, 2010 at 12:53 AM
I'm glad you appreciated this post, I shed a few tears while writing it.
Becky, I'm interested in the U of U info for next time I visit Utah, thanks.
Posted by: jendoop | February 23, 2010 at 12:52 PM
I'm so grateful for your wisdom, both here and in our earlier e-mail!
Posted by: Tracy Purdy | February 23, 2010 at 01:06 PM
What a nice post to write, a day before the day that would have your Grandpa's birthday (Feb 23).
Posted by: Auntie Edith | February 25, 2010 at 04:23 PM
I also enjoyed the read here,how sweet and forgiveness is truly a blessing of freedom! See ya soon.
Posted by: pttyann | February 26, 2010 at 01:35 AM
Hi - Loved your story about your husband using a wooden spoon on the Teflon pan (tisk tisk :). I represent DuPont and this is exactly the type of information I try to share with people online. So, thank you for sharing with your readers.
Posted by: Ross4Teflon | March 02, 2010 at 11:56 AM