DH and I have submitted an application to become foster parents. Those words "foster parenting" aren't my favorite. I like being a parent, but the sometimes negative connotations of "foster parent" I don't like. Foster parenting can sound big, ugly, overwhelming, complicated, and of course people automatically think about severely disturbed children with sexual issues. While all of those things can be a part of foster parenting they are not the definition of it.
The first post I linked to a few days ago was specifically about adopting, but I think the explanation of love in action is what foster parenting is. What I didn't like about that post is, "And don't get me started on the foster care system. That is most certainly not a solution. Children need families. God's best for a child is not foster care or an orphanage. It is a family." This is a complete misunderstanding of the foster care system, and an innate misunderstanding of the potential of human beings.
Parenting is an indescribable job. You have to do it to understand it. To be a good one you need examples, and not everyone has had a good example. You need a solid foundation in life to be a good parent, or major restoration as an adult. To be a good parent you need to be free from major addictions and be financially and mentally capable of providing care for a needy little person. Not everyone who has children is capable of being a proper parent (notice I didn't say "a perfect parent"). To me this doesn't mean that their family should be immediately ripped apart and their child permanently given to another. People can change, this belief is at the heart of the religion I practice and the way I live my life.
Because I believe people can change I feel that parents who can't properly care for their child(ren) should be given the opportunity to change. The problem is that it takes time. While the parent is changing and learning the child needs a safe, loving, and stable environment in which they can grow and learn as well. This is what a good foster family offers.
On this podcast I heard a former foster child tell his story. His mother was an alcoholic, who loved he and his brother dearly but couldn't properly care for them while addicted. He stayed in foster homes 3 different times while his mother worked to get rid of her addiction. Eventually she kicked the habit and their family was reunited permanently. That is a success story of foster parenting, that is the goal (or should be) of every foster parent.
I believe in the power of families. I believe a child will have the best life possible if they can live in safety and health with their own parents because the bond of parenthood is that strong. This is worth working for. It is worth society investing in parents. It is worth the heartache my family and I will feel when a child leaves our home to be reunified with their parent(s). It is worth the struggle our family will have while helping children who carry baggage from their family's dysfunction. Children are worth that, every soul on the earth is worth that. As I told a friend recently, "They are real people, children of Heavenly Father. They deserve to have someone cry over them."
Foster parents are sometimes asked if they think they are perfect parents. I laugh about that. No way do I think I am perfect, nor do I have any illusions about the perfection of the rest of my family. Something I saw in our city explains why, even though I'm flawed, I feel I have a home worth opening to foster kids.
I was walking down the street in our city when a local elementary school let out. Many parents were shepherding backpacked children through the streets. One mother and her young son walked in front of me. The mother berated the child constantly with many expletives thrown in. I walked behind her for at least 3 minutes and in that time her mouth spewed some of the most vile filth I've ever heard and it was directed towards a child. She eventually stopped to tie his shoe (which was all his "!$*# fault, and why couldn't the little *$%?#@ tie his own &*%*! shoe?!!) As she bent over to tie his shoe I walked past them. That little boy looked up at me with a blank expression, staring straight through me. I wanted to stop that mother, to tell her how inappropriate it was, to stand up for that child. But that woman was huge, she'd probably have no problem taking her frustrations out on this *#$@ white lady. In the end the child would probably suffer more wrath at her hands if I tried to interviene. So I said nothing, kept walking, and prayed for that little boy.
That is just one experience among many I've had that pushes my heart towards fostering. Maybe I'll share a few more of those experiences here in the future.
The certification process for foster parents is a long one with many steps. We've just begun, the process will likely take 4 months and at any time something could come up that would exclude us from approval. So while we want to be foster parents there are a lot of things that could derail the process.
I'll share some of the process, the ups and downs, here on the blog. It's nice to finally share this huge new part of our life with everyone. We had to keep it private while we deliberated and discussed it with our children. They are all on board, although they may not have a complete understanding of what we're in for. What am I saying? Even I don't have a complete understanding of what we're in for! But I do have confidence in God's help and our ability as human beings to do difficult things.
Any questions?
I worked with a man who with is wife fostered children just to foster, not to adopt. THeir children had grown and were out of the house. When I asked him about it, he said that he and his wife had been blessed with so much, they wanted to share this with children/youth who might not ever have the blessings they had. Truly amazing perspective.
They had quite a few children come live with them over a period of years and then return home again but with new skills and vision for healthy living.
That you can do this, is truly a wonderful gift for those coming in...as well as for your family.
Posted by: Lusche | March 20, 2010 at 09:34 PM
This sounds like a wonderful thing to do. I've always been curious about foster parenting and look forward to reading about your experiences.
Posted by: Gretchen | March 20, 2010 at 10:53 PM
Thanks for your support and encouragement Lusche and Gretchen. I keep waiting for someone to tell us we're crazy and to get a nice vacation home instead!
I want to clarify something that could be misunderstood. I am not against adoption, not at all. But I feel it is most appropriate for a child that is orphaned, not a child who is orphaned by the legal system. This world is very complicated and messy, so the solutions will be difficult and imperfect. That doesn't mean we shouldn't try, especially when an invaluable soul is at stake.
Posted by: jendoop | March 21, 2010 at 07:56 AM
I haven't checked in on you in quite a while, I'm excited to hear about your new adventure! Fostering is something I have always wanted to do. I'm excited to hear more about your journey and the discoveries you make. My Dad ans Step Mom fostered as I was growing up and one of my "foster" sisters is still a dear friend! It was a choice experience and that I truly believed enriched not just her life, but mine as well!
Posted by: Harlene | March 21, 2010 at 03:20 PM
Harlene, It's so good to hear from you! You've been posting so seldom I haven't checked up on you in a while either. Thanks for your support. It is so good to hear from a child who was a foster sibling. Your good experience encourages me!
Posted by: jendoop | March 21, 2010 at 09:03 PM
Congrats on your decision to foster. Good luck with it!
Are you hoping to adopt through this journey? Will you take all age ranges?
I've thought about foster care...it's a big step to take. I think you'll do great, and I'm excited to follow the journey!
Posted by: Amanda D | March 21, 2010 at 11:33 PM
Oh my word! This IS big news. I'm glad that you posted about it and hope that you'll share some of your experiences. I think that you and DH will learn a lot through this adventure and I know that what you learn will be used to benefit those in your circle of influence, not to mention those children whose lives will be better with you in it, even if for a short time.
Posted by: Julie | March 22, 2010 at 12:02 AM
I'm proud of you, and scared for you, and worried about you, praying for you, love you!
Posted by: Tracy Purdy | March 22, 2010 at 02:10 PM