Life gets so busy that we can go more than a week without a quiet night with everyone home. We finally had a few nights like that and the weather has been beautiful too. It felt so right. There were still little bits of bickering, dishes still had to be done, diapers still were changed, life was going on and it felt like sunshine and spring breezes.
Towards the end of one of those nights I said to DH, "Sometimes I wonder why we want to mess this up by doing foster care."
He looked at me and smiled.
"Not that I'm ready to back out or anything..."
"I know what you mean."
Of course we think these types of things, it's part of making a smart decision. Pros and cons and all of that. But when you feel you're supposed to do something the better question is, what will we miss if we don't do it?
Our foster training class today went well. It was long, but in the end I wished for more time because it was great info. The instructor has been working in foster care management for 20 years. His enthusiasm is contagious and his real life experience was an amazing resource. He knows troubled kids, he knows how to help, and how people unintentionally put up roadblocks in helping children.
Two things I learned from the training that will help me be a better parent, not just a better foster parent, are to use more positive reinforcement (rewards) and how to manage a crisis situation.
DH and I have always tried to use positive reinforcement but I think I need to make a more conscious effort of rewarding with more than verbal praise. The instructor pointed out that negative consequences won't work if they aren't balanced out with positive consequences (more positive than negative). If all a child receives are punishments then their motivation fails and they won't try. We all, adults included, respond better to rewards. When was the last time you felt like going to work when you were told you wouldn't get a paycheck?
The biggest key to managing a crisis situation is never letting it become a crisis situation. Know your child's warning signs and diffusing the situation before it hits the boiling point. There is one very specific thing that you shouldn't do while the actual crisis (ie. tantrum) is happening, and I've been doing it. When the instructor explained it, it made perfect sense - the child is unreasonable so trying to negotiate or give consequences is a fruitless effort. Especially negative consequences. Punishing a child who is in crisis mode is likely to extend the crisis and/or make it worse. I've been doing this. I can think of a few specific instances recently when I've tried to diffuse a tantrum by telling the child that I'm going to ground them or put them in time out if they don't stop. And of course they get more upset at the thought of being punished and it gets ugly.
So instead, the techniques I learned to deal with an in process crisis situation are to (very first though, make sure the child is safe - move harmful objects away, etc.)-
A.) Do something to distract the child from the tantrum. Sing a silly song, one woman suggested the Spongebob theme song. Your silliness will become more amusing than the tantrum, the child will relax and then you'll be able to calmly work through the situation.
B.) Let them tantrum out. Eventually the tantrum will end, don't force it. The child is unreasonable at this point so trying to punish, discuss, or lecture is fruitless. Speaking to them calmly, telling them that when they are done tantruming they can find you to work out a solution, was one suggestion.
I appreciated that the Instructor also gave plenty of leeway for individual and family adaptation depending on needs. Creativity is also important.
So those are just two things I and my kids would have missed out on if I hadn't taken this course, which was the next step in fostering. Fostering is going to be good for everyone. We just cross our fingers that there'll be more good than bad ;)
I think that asking yourself that question is important while you are making a decision, but asking yourself that after you have committed to something, especially if you think it was inspired, is a sure way to cause yourself needless heartburn and worry. Well, maybe not asking it, but dwelling on it. Just thinking about our own decision to get have another baby and how easy it was to second guess, even after it was too late, and how difficult it made things mentally.
Posted by: readerMom | April 24, 2010 at 07:23 PM
I see what you're saying. But we really do have to thoroughly think through this. We can back out at any time. If a child is with us we can back out, but we have to give the agency a month to find a replacement home. This is different than being pregnant - that is definitely a no return situation. With this things can change in our lives, the child can change, many things can change that would warrant a change in placement. I have to be humble enough to admit when that is happening so we don't get into a bad situation. Doing foster care is as much about realizing my limits as realizing those of a hurt child.
Another part of this is being willing to do hard things. There is a line from a song that plays over in my head often "Sometimes the right thing and hard thing are the same." Not necessarily poetic language, but true. Going into something recognizing the difficulty of it is a type of preparation. If I know it's going to be hard, when it does get hard I will know that my decision wasn't wrong. The difficulty just goes with the territory.
Posted by: jendoop | April 25, 2010 at 05:20 PM
The tantrum thing kind of reminds me of the phrase "don't poke the bear." Makes sense. I'm glad you're sharing all your learning! I need all the help I can get. :)
Posted by: Amanda D | April 26, 2010 at 10:54 AM
You're a braver woman than I am! But there's a need to fill, that's for sure, and I add my hopes to yours that the fostering will bring more positive than negative into your family and living situation.
Posted by: Sue | April 26, 2010 at 07:21 PM