lajendi

Judgement

 

     For the last week I've been battling Dante. I had to read the Divine Comedy for Humanities class. It wasn't horrid to read, and in the context of the time period it is interesting to consider. I also had to write a paper on it, that was hard. Specifically how Dante used Aristotle's theories to structure the different levels of hell - Those in 'regular hell' were those who committed sins against reason - fraud, deceit, and treachery. Those in the worst hell were those who committed sins against reason and against the community - Brutus, Judas Iscariot, and Cassius. Interesting ideas, none of which I subscribe to. 

     It did get me thinking though, about The Judgement, and what hell really is. 

     A week or two ago in Sunday School we were discussing the children of Israel. They did many things that we modern religious people look back on and laugh, "God just parted the Red Sea but they couldn't wait for Moses, they had to make a golden calf?" or  "They were getting manna from heaven, why criticize it?" It's not so easy to laugh when you apply those thoughts to modern day situations though. 

     We were talking about the miracle of the quails. Here's the shortened Jen version - The children of Israel were sick of eating just manna all the time. They wanted meat to eat. They complained to Moses and Moses passed along the complaint to God. God said, 'If they want flesh, I'll give em' flesh' and rained quail down on the children of Israel.  The people ate this quail, they ate a lot of it. Then the story gets interesting (I know, like food falling from the sky wasn't interesting enough). 

"And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against the people, and the Lord smote the people with a very great plague." Numbers 11:33

     Some of the people who ate the quail were killed by this plague. A plague that happened because of God's wrath. 

     I've been to innumerable Sunday School classes but it is only now that I'm scratching my head over this type of occurrence that happens very frequently in the Old Testament.  There is a lot of writing about God's wrath in there. In some ways it isn't syncing up with my personal view of God, my Heavenly Father. 

     I feel that God is loving, he is literally our spirit father and cares for us in a similar way to how I care for my children. I believe that God allows us to suffer the consequences of our choices so that we can learn good from evil. I can't see that same God inflicting something horrible, like a plague, upon the children that he loves purely out of wrath. There must be purpose there, it isn't wrath purely for wrath's sake. 

     So in Sunday School I raised my hand to comment about the plague suffered by the people when they ate all that quail. "Maybe the plague wasn't necessarily God's vengeance or anger, maybe it was God allowing them to suffer the consequences of their actions. They ate too much quail meat when their bodies were only used to eating manna so they got sick and a few died."

    The Sunday School teacher responded, "Well what do you think the plague was then?"

     My response, "Maybe they died of sudden onset heart disease."

     Everyone chuckled and we moved on. All joking aside, there is a connection there for me, on several levels. We are no different from the children of Israel. We complain when we are surrounded with bounty, so God gives us what we ask for so we can see for ourselves that it isn't good. Perhaps our modern day plague resulting from getting what we've asked for is obesity, diabetes, heart disease, etc. 

     The deeper issue, the one I'm really struggling with is the idea that God wouldn't only allow consequences to run their course, and thus school us in eternal laws, but would heap on an additional amount of pain and suffering. 

     This relates to my ideas about what hell is. I think we as sinners create our own personal hell. Have you ever watched one of those addiction recovery TV programs? Watching an addict recover from drug addiction looks like hell to me. God didn't have to throw in any wrath, the pure consequences of the drug addiction were powerful enough on their own. Is that what hell will be like? Not just drug addicts, but those of us who didn't resolve our issues in this life will be trying to work them out in the next? 

     Religious people can be very self-righteous when talking about judgement and what hell will be like. Some even revel in the belief that they will  be enjoying heaven while their fellow men suffer in hell. Christ teaches us to love one another, to care for our brother. I would think if we reach that kind of love then watching that brother we love suffer in hell would be no heaven for a true Christian. Along those same lines, I believe that the love we as humans are capable of feeling is only a small portion of how much God loves us. If God loves us so much more, how can he stand to inflict more pain upon us than is absolutely needed for our learning and progression. (Pain is a great teacher.)

      Anyone have a thought about this that might help me?

Nie Nie's New Life

This video was so good for me on many levels- as a mother, as a niece praying for her ill aunt, as a struggling child of God, as a soon-to-be foster mom on the cusp of a new life. Maybe it will be good for you too... 

"I pray, and then I get answers, and then I do it."

A Spring Sunday

     I've just come in from reading in the backyard as the light slowly disappeared. The lilac bush in the far corner of the yard spreads it's scent up to the patio and the bugs aren't yet out in full force. At bedtime the kids came out to kiss me goodnight, Baby even took her binki out to give me a proper kiss. I finished the last few chapters of a book that was good for distraction and leisure. It was a beautiful, peaceful evening to end a gorgeous spring Sunday. A day you don't want to end, as if you could hold onto  sun and the scent of lilacs. 

  

     The last week has been very full, active with underlying concerns. But I've been reluctant to write about my worries, not knowing what parts are mine to tell. 

    There's been potty training with Baby. I wanted to do it before fostering started. Although I realize that regression is a possibility if sharing mommy with a foster sibling is too traumatic. That's OK, as I told the social worker, we have a carpet cleaner. I'm taking potty training with a more relaxed attitude than before. I'm concerned about my peace of mind, and Baby's. It's comforting to be aware of my limits, while at the same time not frightened or self-conscious about them.  Baby is doing well, "tinkling" in the potty about once a day and still farting every time she attempts. Where all that gas comes from I don't know. 

    My little sister has had some changes in her life, job change, living situation change. I'm hopeful that it will all lead her to better things. That's how life has happened for me anyway - it's too scary to jump out of a sure thing into the unknown, so God takes away the sure thing so that we have no choice but to jump. Finding out that the new is better takes time and faith, but somehow it is better eventually. 

    My Daddy has a doctor appointment. I keep saying that's all it is and everything will be fine. 

    You know, I've lost very few close family members. My grandma died when I was just a baby. While I've missed not knowing her, I didn't feel the actual loss. When her husband, my grandpa died a few years ago it was sad, but right. His body was not a fitting shelter for his vibrant spirit any longer. My sister-in-law passed away very young, it was so hard to watch my brother loose her. I felt like I barely had time to know her. 

     A few weeks ago I asked my Mom the age of her parents. "Grandpa is 89!" she said. 'That's old', I thought,'people die in their 90s' and I took a slow, deep breath. That's how blessed I am, my family lives so long, I think the 90s are when people die. Not like anyone ever dies when they're younger. 

   Today I prayed for my Auntie Edith. She's been one of my most loyal blog readers. Even though she rarely comments, I know she's there keeping in touch from far away. A closer relationship with her has been one of my great blessings of blogging.

      She's in the hospital, was in the ICU. When I spoke to her today she was in the step down unit, meaning that she's getting better. We had a really wonderful talk, her description of feeling the prayers for her is a realization that I treasure. She told me how prayers that are offered are felt by the recipient and heard in the heavens. Although those we love pass through difficult things, the love and peace of God is a real comfort unlike any other. Thankfully many of those prayers are also being answered by her church family who have sat at her bedside, cared for her kitties and garden, and made her feel loved through service that I'm too distant to give. Her description of their service has inspired me to be more diligent in serving and praying for those in need where I am. 

     I prayed for my aunt to feel hopeful, to have the support she needs to heal. How surprised I was to be supported and taught of hope by her. She has a long recovery ahead, I am amazed by her fortitude, hope and testimony. 

    These are my 'out of reach' concerns. My family is so far away, I prefer not to realize the immensity of how far - I could never walk. Their problems are still real to me, tugging at my heart as I go about my day. The tears I couldn't stop in church today were for them. There is a tie with family, blood and sinew holding hearts and spirits together through the miles and the problems. I am far away but you are not far from my thoughts. 

I'm a Jerk

Here's the story, I was a jerk today. In church. Doesn't that make it twice as bad? 

Our family was sitting in church while the sacrament was happening. When the older couple next to us began to talk. First it was a loud whisper, then it became a regular volume speaking - loud enough that I could hear what they were saying. I couldn't believe it. They just kept on going. So after a few minutes I leaned over and said, "Excuse me, could you be quiet please?" 

The smile left the woman's face and it was quiet. 

A few minutes later I tried to communicate no ill will by smiling at her. 

I felt like a complete clod. Yes, I was glad they were quiet, but was it worth the price of making the woman feel bad?

So throughout the meeting I planned my apology, hardly listening to the talks. I prepared myself for a good old fashioned lecture. 

At the closing "Amen" I leaned over, took the woman by the hand and said, "Sister, I'm sorry if I was offensive."

She smiled and squeezed my hand. 

I think it's OK, but I still feel like a jerk. In the moment I wanted them to be quiet to be a good example to my kids, so I could enjoy the sacrament, and to show respect to the Savior. Was it really any of my business to ask them to be quiet? 

Orthodox

The last few days have been very busy (I've made a new commitment to working more on schoolwork), I haven't had the time to sit down and write but I have been thinking about what I would post. Here's the accumulation of my thoughts on a topic I've been thinking about the last few days-

     I've been listening to a segment from NPR's Fresh Air called Making Room for the Sabbath, about a book by Judith Shulevitz. It is about a book written by a Jewish woman who decided to start living an aspect of her religion, the Sabbath; which for Jews is on Saturday. The way Orthodox Jews observe the Sabbath is very strict, even in comparison to my own conservative religious practices. She had some neat thoughts about the benefits of Sabbath observance and it's history.

 

     Years ago I read a book about an Orthodox Jewish community, it was specifically about the women in that community, The Ladies Auxiliary by Tova Mirvis. When we discussed it at bookgroup we had the largest turnout ever, and a great discussion because as Mormon women we found so much in common with the Orthodox Jewish women. Not necessarily because our religious practices are similar, but because the struggles we have in living our religion are similar. 

 

     An interesting aspect of the NPR interview is the author's observation that in an orthodox community you are never exactly in agreement with your fellow members of the orthodoxy. The world at large believes this when they view the group from the outside, that everyone agrees and practices the religion the same. In reality in a group that is united by ideas and behaviors there are people who are more strict in belief and observance than you and those more lax in observance and belief.  This is a complicating factor, and especially so when the members of the group believe that this disparity shouldn't exist (keeping up with the Joneses religious style or picking at and laughing at the devout). 

     As you can tell, the author's comment really got me thinking. She abruptly regained my attention when she said she has difficulty praying. The interviewer prodded her on this issue and the author admitted that she doesn't believe in God. 

     So let's get this straight - This author is identifying herself as an Orthodox Jew (versus "Jew" because that can be a religious affiliation or an ethnicity), has written a book about religious worship, but she doesn't believe in God. In my eyes a belief in God goes along with the Orthodox "I'm a practicing Jew" label. 

     Interestingly enough there is a parallel to this in my religion too. When I went to high school they were called "Jack Mormons". They went to church, performed the duties asked of them, wore the right clothes, went to seminary, and then they violated many of the basic tenets of our religion on a regular basis. In that situation it was a bit different because there was a parental expectation that many Jack Mormons were trying to meet while at the same time making personal choices that were contrary to their parents' ideals.

     There is now an adult version of Jack Mormons, they call themselves Cultural Mormons (the Jack Mormons grew up). They attend Mormon meetings and events, dress appropriately, teach their children morals, but they don't believe the doctrine. 

   The largest reason this bothers me is that in the Mormon Church everyone contributes their services to the work. Sometimes that's coordinating basketball games, for which no belief in doctrine is necessarily required. But most of the work that needs to be done is teaching. It would make me very upset to find out that a Cultural Mormon was teaching my children in Sunday School. The phrase 'a wolf in sheep's clothing' comes to mind. Not that every teacher has a strong conviction of every aspect of the doctrine, it takes time to understand and come to that spiritual confirmation. This is different, this is giving up entirely and being just fine with living something that you don't believe in. 

     Thankfully, where we live in the Northeast US living the LDS religion is difficult and there isn't much to be gained culturally by being a Mormon. I think the places where Mormons are more prevalent and hold large sway in their communities Cultural Mormons are more common. 

Yet another distinction - not Reorganized LDS, not Cultural LDS, not New and Improved Polygamous LDS.  This world is a complicated place, you can't take anything at face value. 

Mr Rogers, LDS Fostering, and Onward!

     Mr. Rogers was such a especially amazing man, in a quiet way. I wonder if it was, in part, because he was a foster brother?

     I finally found an LDS foster family on the net! Since the LDS faith is so focused on families, on the value of each individual child of God, I have been a little surprised to find so few LDS foster parents. I think there may be such a focus on forever families and adoption that some religious people don't ever consider fostering because it's uncertain and messy.  This is one of their great posts that you should read.

     My interview went very well today. At the end our worker said that she sees no reason why we won't be approved. The homestudy is scheduled for June 3rd, and about a week after that we'll be able to take a placement. This is sure to be one crazy summer!

    For the summer we've chosen to do respite care - it is what it sounds like, it gives foster parents a break for a weekend, week, maybe up to 2 weeks, while we care for their foster child. We feel that with all the things we have happening this summer it isn't fair to a foster child to have so much change right after being placed with us. After youth conference, family vacation, and girls camp are over we'll have a more consistent atmosphere for a troubled child to settle into. In between those activities we'll still be able to help children and can support other foster families. 

    Today I asked for advice about how to tell our church congregation and neighbors about our fostering. With HIPAA laws it is a sensitive subject. I can't reveal details of a child's case, and frankly I don't even want those questions asked in front of the child. So it would be lovely if we can tackle all the awkward and insensitive questions before we have a foster child standing right next to us. (Not that any of you would do that!). It is the time to tell the world that we're going to be foster parents. 

     How exactly should I do this? I could call a few gossipy people and drop the bomb and see how long it takes, but I'd prefer a more tactful and teaching kind of approach. There are a lot of misconceptions out there that I'd like to tackle. Maybe we'll ask the bishop's advice, or I could get up in testimony meeting and spill it. 

     Telling people in the course of a conversation seems weird:

"How are you doing Jen?"

"We're going to be foster parents!"

"Oh... that's interesting.... ...."

-Or-

"How are your kids doing?"

"They're wondering when we'll get our first foster placement. J would love to have another boy in the house. A newborn would be neat, but since I'm already getting up at 5 am it could be difficult. ... Hey! Where are you going?!"

...............

     I think about how I might respond if someone told me they were going to be foster parents. It would be a shock for a minute or two but then I'd have a ton of questions. 

I wonder how my neighbors will feel? At least one, who is one of our references, is thrilled and eventually wants to foster too. 

Then there's always a chance of something falling through at the last minute and we won't be approved. That would be awkward. Then again this isn't about making us feel comfortable. 

Background Checks and "First Aid"

     Last week DH and I attended a First Aid and CPR class as part of the requirements for becoming a foster parent. I've had plenty of first aid training over the years and have gotten friendly with a few Annie dolls. So going into this class we thought we knew what to expect. We were laughably wrong. 

 

     The class consisted of watching a video about CPR, then the "instructor" asked if we had any questions. Nope. Next video about first aid. Any questions? Nope. She read over the handouts with us, recommended a local resource for car seats and sent us on our way.  

     It was nice to have such an easy time of it, but it did leave me grateful that I'd had time with Annie before. What if I actually need to use first aid or CPR? Obviously if I really felt lost I could have asked for more help. No harm no foul, hopefully. 

     Another molehill we're trying to summit in our quest for fosterhood are the background checks. There are several of them because we've moved around, and they all cost money. Then we have to be fingerprinted and have an FBI child abuse history check. Thankfully the days of going down to the local police station to be fingerprinted with ink are over. We went to a local shipping/packaging store and they scanned our fingerprints into the computer. Easy peasy. There are two more background checks to send off and they need money orders and I haven't found the time to do that yet. 

     We also filled out a budget form, showing that our financial demands are not greater than our resources. On paper I am sickened by our debt, but happy that we have money left over at the end of the month. On paper anyway. 

     Tomorrow I go in for my one on one interview, DH's is next week and we have foster parenting classes every week for the next 6 weeks as well. The way things are looking we'll be fostering by summer. Guess what? Summer isn't that far away. This morning I've had cold feet a bit, nervous about what I can handle (I know, stop second guessing it already!) Thankfully DH got me back on track by showing me this comment on an LDS blog:

from a young kid during a testimony:

"I've never really had a home. I've been in foster care most of my life, and no family has ever really wanted me." 

It was even more jolting given the fact that the boy couldn't have been more than 12 years old but was incredibly mature in how he spoke and handled himself. I'm beyond grateful that the boy who bore his testimony didn't end it with that, but rather with this: 

"I just want to tell my new family that I love them, and that I'm grateful that they love me. It is a great feeling to know someone loves you. I'm so happy to have a home, a family, a mom and dad, and that they bring me to church."

Weak

 

     Fasting is a contradiction for me. Obviously going without food is difficult, this seems to be one of the purposes in fasting - doing something that is difficult in obedience and for a purpose. On the other hand, we are told not to fast if it will endanger our bodies, breastfeeding/pregnancy, diabetes, etc. 

     So my question is, what if I feel so horrible when I fast that I can't function? At some point during my fast, usually late afternoon, I begin to get a migraine headache, dizzy, and faint. At this point I'm determined to see through an entire 24 hour fast but I'm feeling horridly, just wanting to go to bed and die, so instead I eat. I feel better and then am able to make dinner for everyone. Am I sinning because I physically cannot go a full 24 hours without food or water? 

     Ironically, during my fast I picked up the book, Weakness Is Not Sin,  by Wendy Ulrich. I've been slowly working through this book, taking the time to ponder each chapter for a while before I move on to the next. Today I read this, 

"It seems sometimes that so much of life is about finding the fine lines between laziness and moderation, between sin and weakness, between Spirit and our own thoughts, between confidence and pride, between humility and humiliation. But at least it is a start to know that there is in fact a difference and that the difference is worth exploring."

     These are thoughts that I've thought about often in my life, knowing where to draw the line between extremes. 

 

      In one of the areas mentioned in that quote I have a little experience and think I've come to understand more than I did in the past-  'between the Spirit and our own thoughts'. There have been times in my life that I yearned to feel the Spirit more strongly, to be led, to gain the kind of confidence that can only come through intimate association with the Holy Ghost. Through the years I feel that I have developed a relationship with the Spirit (nothing extraordinary, this is available to everyone) through acting on the promptings I've received. 

     When I receive what I think is a prompting and act on it, I enjoy the fruits of the Spirit. When I am at peace and understand that the promptings of the Spirit are always in harmony with the gospel, I can determine if the feelings and impressions I have are just my own thoughts or are something more. It is something that is probably different for every person, developing this fine tuned repertoire with the Holy Ghost. I'm not perfect at it, but because I've worked on it daily through many years it is something I can depend on, and do. 

     Developing this blessing in my life took time and was gained through experience. Which is one of the reasons I am here - to learn. This life is not just for us to prove to God that we will be obedient, it's not only about sin, or the lack of it. Life is also about the experiences we have, the grey areas between extremes. Labeling the grey areas as black or white blinds us to reality, how things really are. It disables our learning. 

     So back to my weak version of fasting... I wouldn't say I'm sinning by eating 2 hours early when I know the Lord asks me to fast longer than that. My mortally imperfect body is just too weak to do it. On the other hand I can do things to enable a fast, not just throw up my hands and eat all day. I could be sure to take my vitamins and drink plenty of water the day before fasting, and eat healthy meals to 'bank' nutrients my body will need the next day. If I try those things and they don't work there are other things I could do. I could fast from food but not water. I could fast from eating certain kinds of foods. I had a friend who would fast from eating sweets when she was pregnant and couldn't participate in a full fast. The important thing is not the black or white observance of God's request to fast, but the ways in which I strive for obedience or go to him to humbly asking for mercy because I'm too weak to accomplish it on my own.

      I think this is part of what is meant when we are told that God won't give us anything we can't handle - not because we are that strong, but because there is always mercy, God makes up the difference. We may be asked to make a dinner for 50 people and then burn it. It's not that God asked us to do something we couldn't handle, it's that through his mercy burning the food doesn't matter - it is not a sin. 

     Trying to understand these issues of sin and weakness are important to me because I think I waste too much time worrying about my weaknesses when I could be overcoming sin and serving others. Guilt is a debilitating force and all too often the guilt that overwhelms me is concerning a weakness, not a sin. How sad to debilitate ourselves with a sense of sin and failure when that is not reality. 

"Please don’t nag yourself with thoughts of failure. Do not set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. Simply do what you can do, in the best way you know, and the Lord will accept of your effort." President Gordon B. Hinckley

Valley Forge

Today's outing with the Grandparents was to Valley Forge. (Did I mention they were visiting?) The weather was beautiful and we had an enjoyable time. 

Being the tour bus driver, I didn't have many opportunities to take photos. At Washington Memorial Chapel I couldn't resist handing Baby off to DH so I could take a few and enjoy the grounds. It is a gorgeous gem. Although, I did read in the pamphlet later that George Washington never set foot in the place, it's only 106 years old. So I felt a little misled, but it is a magnificent tribute none the less. 

 

R and A walking by the church
  
 

 

As we walked in I was overwhelmed by the smell of flowers. I thought it might have been incense, but as I walked towards the pulpit I saw that it was surrounded by potted flowers, mostly Easter lilies. I had a 'duh' moment when I realized that the chapel was full of Easter worshipers 24 hours before. 

   

Worshipers, that's a funny word when you break it down. I wonder if it is related to a Christian fact I read about in Humanities class. In the early days of Christianity churches were built in a specific way. There was an atrium or courtyard where the worshipers washed themselves before entering the main area of the church, or nave. The nave is where all those listening to the sermon would sit. My textbook said this area was compared to the hold of a ship. Believers felt they were traveling through life in this ship together and they would all, together, reach their ultimate destination - heaven, which was symbolized by another area of the church building.

If you think about the way rows of benches are aligned in a chapel it does remind you of the rows of benches in the cargo hold of old ships. I thought of it today while viewing this beautiful church today, with the benches neatly aligned.

(sorry, not a great photo) 

 Another interesting tidbit, the anchor was used as a symbol of hope. The sense I make of that is that Christ is the anchor of the ship, the church, and because of him believers have hope. It was neat to see these symbols today,  in a church built 2000 years after they were first introduced by Christian worshipers. 

there was an anchor on a ceiling medallion in the cloisters that is similar to this one 

This statue of a woman kneeling with a lit lamp reminded me of the parable of the ten virgins. 

 

A in the cloisters

 

J under the Magnolia tree
 
 

J's Baptism

A beautiful, wonderful day!