lajendi

Nie Nie's New Life

This video was so good for me on many levels- as a mother, as a niece praying for her ill aunt, as a struggling child of God, as a soon-to-be foster mom on the cusp of a new life. Maybe it will be good for you too... 

"I pray, and then I get answers, and then I do it."

Attachment

     Another foster class today. Two in three days is intense. Today the class was about attachment, why it doesn't happen, what a child is like who doesn't, and what you should do with them. 

      One of the women in the session had been a foster parent of teenage girls, then she adopted one of those girls. She gave a long speech about how dealing with RAD children is so difficult that foster parents should only take in babies. Another woman went on and on about how difficult her own kids are (she's adopting her neice that she's been caring for since day one.) she doesn't know how foster parents do it. The worker teaching the class did put in a plug for RAD children, saying that no matter how difficult they are we can't just ignore them. 

     The worker then went on to tell us that our county is cutting their Child Services department by 33% before December. That means they will be overloaded on top of overloaded. When caseworkers are overloaded they don't take check on foster kids and they are pressured to return children home too soon - when that happens children are sent home when safety isn't firmly in place. Because budget cut backs like this are taking place across the country, the number of children hurt or killed by their parents, family members, or foster parents will go up dramatically in the coming year. Sad but true, in this field the money pays for people that help. When the people that help are laid off, the problem continues and gets worse. 

      The solution? Pay careful attention to who you are voting for, they make decisions that effect children that could become sociopaths without proper attention in their formative years. Our own neglect will come back to haunt us as a country.

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     After all of this heavy information I walked through the rain to my car. I kissed DH goodbye and cried quietly in the shelter of my car. I cried for children who are so neglected that they don't know how to give or receive love. Then I prayed while I cried. I prayed for the strength, patience, and calm, for myself and others, to foster parent these children so that one day they will know the beauty of love. 

Orthodox

The last few days have been very busy (I've made a new commitment to working more on schoolwork), I haven't had the time to sit down and write but I have been thinking about what I would post. Here's the accumulation of my thoughts on a topic I've been thinking about the last few days-

     I've been listening to a segment from NPR's Fresh Air called Making Room for the Sabbath, about a book by Judith Shulevitz. It is about a book written by a Jewish woman who decided to start living an aspect of her religion, the Sabbath; which for Jews is on Saturday. The way Orthodox Jews observe the Sabbath is very strict, even in comparison to my own conservative religious practices. She had some neat thoughts about the benefits of Sabbath observance and it's history.

 

     Years ago I read a book about an Orthodox Jewish community, it was specifically about the women in that community, The Ladies Auxiliary by Tova Mirvis. When we discussed it at bookgroup we had the largest turnout ever, and a great discussion because as Mormon women we found so much in common with the Orthodox Jewish women. Not necessarily because our religious practices are similar, but because the struggles we have in living our religion are similar. 

 

     An interesting aspect of the NPR interview is the author's observation that in an orthodox community you are never exactly in agreement with your fellow members of the orthodoxy. The world at large believes this when they view the group from the outside, that everyone agrees and practices the religion the same. In reality in a group that is united by ideas and behaviors there are people who are more strict in belief and observance than you and those more lax in observance and belief.  This is a complicating factor, and especially so when the members of the group believe that this disparity shouldn't exist (keeping up with the Joneses religious style or picking at and laughing at the devout). 

     As you can tell, the author's comment really got me thinking. She abruptly regained my attention when she said she has difficulty praying. The interviewer prodded her on this issue and the author admitted that she doesn't believe in God. 

     So let's get this straight - This author is identifying herself as an Orthodox Jew (versus "Jew" because that can be a religious affiliation or an ethnicity), has written a book about religious worship, but she doesn't believe in God. In my eyes a belief in God goes along with the Orthodox "I'm a practicing Jew" label. 

     Interestingly enough there is a parallel to this in my religion too. When I went to high school they were called "Jack Mormons". They went to church, performed the duties asked of them, wore the right clothes, went to seminary, and then they violated many of the basic tenets of our religion on a regular basis. In that situation it was a bit different because there was a parental expectation that many Jack Mormons were trying to meet while at the same time making personal choices that were contrary to their parents' ideals.

     There is now an adult version of Jack Mormons, they call themselves Cultural Mormons (the Jack Mormons grew up). They attend Mormon meetings and events, dress appropriately, teach their children morals, but they don't believe the doctrine. 

   The largest reason this bothers me is that in the Mormon Church everyone contributes their services to the work. Sometimes that's coordinating basketball games, for which no belief in doctrine is necessarily required. But most of the work that needs to be done is teaching. It would make me very upset to find out that a Cultural Mormon was teaching my children in Sunday School. The phrase 'a wolf in sheep's clothing' comes to mind. Not that every teacher has a strong conviction of every aspect of the doctrine, it takes time to understand and come to that spiritual confirmation. This is different, this is giving up entirely and being just fine with living something that you don't believe in. 

     Thankfully, where we live in the Northeast US living the LDS religion is difficult and there isn't much to be gained culturally by being a Mormon. I think the places where Mormons are more prevalent and hold large sway in their communities Cultural Mormons are more common. 

Yet another distinction - not Reorganized LDS, not Cultural LDS, not New and Improved Polygamous LDS.  This world is a complicated place, you can't take anything at face value. 

CPR and Swimming

     A few days ago (maybe a week) I posted about our lives being a house of cards. This week things have been shaken and turned around as the kids were out of school and family visited. I had to change my workout schedule, fitting in exercise when I could find a few minutes. Some meals have been afterthoughts while others are major productions (Easter). We've spent a whole day at home (watching conference), and we've spent most of a day away (Valley Forge). With all of this I sit here thinking about what is upcoming in my life. I have tender feelings with a strength behind them, making me feel that no matter what happens to my house of cards, other things are more certain.

     One of those certain things is my ability to choose. Despite horrid things that may happen - earthquakes, floods, termites- I choose what to do in those situations. I have no more control over my daily life than I do those other large horrific scenarios, yet I still carry on each day without cowering in the corner (only for a few minutes anyway). I have power, not because I can control things, but because I control myself. 

     Making informed choices based on truth and self-control leads to capability. That capability, the ability to make things happen, is a kind of power. Let me give an example - Tonight DH and I watched a CPR video for foster parenting certification. If I were to be in a situation where a child needed CPR I could administer it because I've learned true things about how to help someone who is not breathing and I would make that choice to help despite any initial discomfort about germs or saliva. In that very specific and dramatic situation I would have power, power to sustain or revive life. 

     Now I'm not saying that makes me god and I'm so great. What I am saying is that yes, there is a lot out of my control (like the need for a child to be resuscitated in the first place), but there is also a lot within my control if I make use of it. If I train my body to submit to my mind (blow into this child's mouth, now gently press on their chest) then my mind and body are prepared to work together to accomplish other things that may initially be uncomfortable, like performing CPR. It applies to loosing weight(not easy, but doable), not yelling at my kids (not easy, still trying), or building a strong marriage (not easy, so worth it). Call this self-reliance, self-control, self-mastery, all the labels apply. 

      The truth is a large factor here. Having the self-discipline to clean out the garage means nothing if I mistakenly believe that moving all the junk to the other side makes the garage clean. I have to know that cleaning is more than that, the "truth" about what makes something clean. Just like I have to know actual CPR to keep a dying person alive, not just poke and prod at them. 

     I hope I haven't lost anyone (it is the end of a long day and I'm probably rambling and not coherent). Most people would agree with my ideas about our abilities to control our lives at some level. We have power to choose and to act. The piece that is sometimes missing is how that relates with what God does. 

     It is tempting to use our power to control too much in our lives. If we want to keep our lives on an even keel, nothing changing, even and controlled, steady as she goes, don't rock the boat, don't topple my house of cards - we could probably do that, and we often try. I don't think that that is necessarily what God wants. He doesn't just rock the boat, he pushes us out of it. Our lives are not about control. I'm saying that again because it is so very important - The purpose of our lives is not to control. We can control ourselves, and that is a part of success and happiness, but not an end in itself.

     Getting back into the boat every time God pushes us out of it is not productive. At some point we might want to just swim and find out why God keeps pushing us out. 

     This was all a very long way for me to say that I trust God. Yes, he's pushed me out of the boat several times. It's my guess that being a foster parent is going to be like getting pushed out of an 8-story cruise ship. I trust him, if he wants me to swim,  he'll help me. If I'm swimming it's because he's given me opportunities to learn to swim before and I took advantage of them. It's that initial push off the deck into the water I'm worried about. Really, I'm looking forward to a good swim with hope and optimism. It's a good thing I know CPR though, I might need to perform it on myself.  

       Tell me you'll be there with a life preserver when I need it.  

House of Cards

     What if everything that seems right with the world is really a precarious house of cards? Our world, our lives, are stacked high, multi-level, intricate in their design and have been around for years. These aspects give us the illusion of solid ground - it's been around so long we're sure it will be forever. 

     Our world is very complicated. Just think of how many people it takes to deliver your newspaper- people making ink, people making and recycling paper, writers, editors, printers, delivery people - all for a newspaper. You can get that newspaper every day. Think about all the things you use every day and all the people and systems it takes to acquire them. Layers, and layers, and layers of carefully stacked cards. 

     Have you seen the flooding in Rhode Island? They say it's a hundred year flood. I assume that means it hasn't flooded like this in 100 years. People assumed that because it hadn't flooded in 85 years they were fine to build on the floodplain. That seems foolish to me. A hundred years isn't very long, especially when you consider how old the earth is. A hundred years is a flash in the pan, a blink. People built their lives on the promise that their homes would be safe for that tiny fraction of forever. 

     Maybe it's about believing that this moment, now, will last forever. When they built the house it wasn't flooding. I'm sure they couldn't imagine it would ever look like this- 

      Of course they never thought it would happen, they wouldn't have filled it with all their earthly possessions and built their lives around it if they could imagine it. 

     It's been very interesting to me to see how well my kids are doing this year. Nobody's perfect around here, but they are doing well, we don't feel like everyday is an uphill battle. There seems to be a relation between these good things and the fact that our house of cards has been holding up for the last four years. Meaning we've lived here that long- their schools, friends, church life, and home have been the solid for that long. Our family has been around longer than that though, a consistency that is priceless when we keep moving our house of cards and changing the levels. Not that there haven't been a few shake ups and times that the house of cards was less than happy. 

     Yesterday my mother and father in-law came for a visit. My parents arrive today. DH took a week off work. J. is getting baptized on Saturday. All of these things meant the house had to be cleaned, lots of food needed to be acquired, and many plans made. Oh, and on Wednesday I took a Mid-term exam. There was a lot of stress in our house yesterday as we prepared for everything. That stress boiled over.  

     So my little house of cards is shaking, I'm sure it won't fall over - just as sure as those Rhode Islanders were that their homes would never flood. Like I said before, in the moment you're sure the moment will last forever, sometimes it feels that way with unpleasant things too. 

All Signs Point to "Yes".

 

     Remember the Magic 8 Ball? You ask it a question, give it a good shake, then peer through the little blue clouded window until your answer appears. If you didn't like the answer you could inadvertently give it a little shake to find a better one. Most of the answers in the magic ball were ambivalent - 'ask again later', 'answer hazy', or 'concentrate and ask again'. DH and I are so attuned to children at risk and foster care right now that I have noticed those things everywhere. It seems like the cosmic Magic 8 Ball is sending me answers. 

     The day after we talked to Rach about being a foster family there was a Meth Lab bust in the same neighborhood as the high school she'll attend next year. We read in the paper that there were two children, ages 2 & 4, living in the home that were placed in the custody of child services. We pointed out to her that those kids could have come to our home, to give her an idea of where foster kids come from. 

     On Saturday afternoon DH and I went out for our weekly date. We had lunch and went to the bookstore. While perusing the bestsellers and new releases we came across a photo book by Anne Geddes. I'm very familiar with her work (having worked in a picture frame shop) so I passed it by, but DH stopped and thumbed through every picture even remarking that one or two were cute (absolutely no cooing noises though, that would be un-manly). 

 

     As I watched him adore the beautiful newborns I remembered how great he was with our babies and wondered if he was thinking about what it will be like if we get a foster baby. How would it be to get up for early hour feedings now that we're a few years older? It also reminded me of something DH's mother told me when we were first married. She commented that he was wonderful with kids and had no doubt that he would be a good dad. She was absolutely right. I thought back on that, realizing that I was led to marry a man whose heart is big enough to love our children and a foster child. I couldn't do it without him. 

     Last week I took the kids to the library. This has been somewhat rare lately because it's so difficult to manage a two year old at the library (unless it's storytime, then library patrons have to expect weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth). While the kids found their books I quickly looked through the new books. I shouldn't have because I have a mid term tomorrow... but I got 3 books. One of them is called Self Storage. I'm in the middle of it so I won't rate it yet (spoiler alert!), but the main character has a few problems with her children that puts her parenting under a microscope (this is not something the blurb indicated, so I didn't know that going in). It struck me this morning as I read it at the gym that this is how some mothers with children in foster care feel. They parent the same way they were raised and/or find themselves in unfortunate circumstances where they made a bad decision (or several), and their children are taken away. It gave me another level of understanding for birth parents - which I need. 

     I also need this constant reassurance because this seems looney sometimes, especially when I think about how it must appear to others. A year ago I wasn't sure I could take care of my kids because of my physical issues. Now I'm better and willing not only to take on an additional child, but a troubled one at that. When it's right you just know. I can't question it, especially when the cosmic Magic 8 Ball is giving me such an obvious answer: "All signs point to 'Yes'!"

     So Magic 8 Ball, since you're prognosticating so well, what can I make for dinner that costs $3, is healthy, and requires no effort? 

 

"All that I am I owe to..."

Today a young woman at church said something that changed my attitude. I have to explain a few things first, before you can understand why her words changed me. 

The last few weeks it's felt like I have two jobs. My main job is being a stay at home mom. Most of you have a pretty good idea of all that it entails, no pay, physical and mental strain, complaints galore, and no set works hours accompanied by bountiful blessings and joy (although only after you've pulled out all your hair). My church service has amped up in the last few weeks and has felt like a part-time job, which I also don't get paid for, and is accompanied by bountiful blessings and joy. 

I enjoy service (also here), it is critical to my spiritual and emotional well-being. I especially enjoy working with youth, right now my focus is in the Young Women's program. Sometimes the scale of balance is tilted a little too far in that direction though, so that my personal and family time are lacking. It's not that anyone is making me do this service, it is my choice. If I feel overwhelmed at any time I can speak up and step back. The problem is that I see the good in it, I feel good when I do it, and I want to do it. Too often I only see that I've overdone it after I've done it. 

This week was one of those times - I felt overwhelmed and unbalanced, as did my family. Kids don't come out and tell you that they feel neglected, instead their issues flare up until you are forced to realize something isn't right. Nothing serious mind you, but when J. took to wearing his snow boots to school every day because his sneakers didn't fit and I hadn't taken the time to buy new ones... well that's a sign my priorities were skewed (the snow has largely melted). 

I have personal warning signs too. Being easily irritated is a clue that I need to take a breather. Complaining about my work load in every conversation I have is another sign. Remembering my schedule of church meetings better than my kid's school schedule is a good one also. But the bad attitude, the irritation, sometimes feels like the worst of all the side effects because it colors my faith in a negative light. When in fact the fault lies with me. The problem isn't that the church expects too much, the problem is that it is hard to prioritize because priorities change every day, sometimes moment by moment.

So now that you understand my mental state as I went to church today I'll tell you what the young woman said that changed my attitude. 

This woman is 19 years old and from Haiti. Her entire life has been one full of trials. In the recent earthquake there she lost friends and family members. When it happened she admitted that she felt angry, wondering why her life has to be so full of these large trials - why she had to loose loved ones after all she's already suffered through. As she thought about her challenges she realized that God had been with her through all of them. He is there for her in every circumstance so it's OK. She knows that those she loves are in a better place now. 

I thought to myself what a strong woman she is, it left me awed. Then she said, "I am so grateful for the Young Women's Program, it has had such an impact on my life. All I am I owe to the Young Women's Program." 

Her statement instantly cured my bad attitude about the amount of service I've recently given. It can be too easy to focus on the meetings and details of the work and forget that this is the real business of saving souls and improving lives. It isn't often that I hear the results of my service in such a clear way. It put wind in my sails and helped me to see that the constant struggle to juggle priorities is worth it. It was payday!

 

Depression and Religion

     Today I feel ill equipped to write this post, but this is so important to me and I want to get the word out. 

 Childhood Depression, by Richard Wilkinson

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     Depression is a hugely misunderstood illness. Especially within the context of religion. Although I am heartily dedicated to my religion, over a decade ago my misunderstandings about how to apply religion to my life led to thought patterns that contributed to my depression. It took non-religious resources to help me put my beliefs into proper practice.  

     While depressed I had unknowingly used guilt as a tool of emotional and spiritual self-mutilation. Sacrifice for others was my motto for life back then, and it's mis-application left me not knowing who I was or what happiness felt like. At the same time I didn't know that what I felt was out of the norm and had a name - depression. 

     While undergoing treatment for depression I was energized with hope, amazed to find there were answers I never knew existed to a problem I didn't know I had. Through therapy and reading books like The Feeling Good Handbook I learned how to constructively deal with emotions and live my religion. It was scary and wonderful to go to therapy. I was very wary of medication, but desperate, so I swallowed it. It took all I had, and the help of experts, to come through the other side. Which is why it is so shocking and hurtful to hear some within the religious community deny the usefulness of these methods. I fear greatly for those suffering from depression within religion because there is so much misinformation and misunderstanding about it. 

     People are not weak, faithless or ungrateful when they have depression. In fact I'd say that some of the strongest people are those who fight against depression every day and manage to live a productive life in the midst of chronic emotional pain. Faith, what greater faith than to get out of bed every morning knowing it will be a day filled with emotional numbness with no light from heaven breaking through the black clouds; yet still dropping to their knees to plead and pray to the God they love.  Gratitude seemed to make my depression worse. I knew the greatness and bounty of my blessings and somehow I still felt horrible, so I heaped on the guilt. 

     Once on the other side, feeling happy, I was petrified of the depression coming back. Some call depression the black dog, mine was a dark monster; an ugly looming figure hiding around every corner. I probably suffered from anxiety at that time as I worried about depression's ever-present threat. 

    It has been long enough since the blackest days of my depression that I'm not so scared of the monster. Through the proper practice of my religion, exercise, careful balancing of my days, rest,  a understanding husband, and many nuanced coping techniques I have a happy life. But that pain - intense, dark and hopeless - it is something I will never forget. So I am outspoken about my depression. Hopefully it never prevents me from getting a job, being approved for a mortgage, or other opportunities (not that I bring it up in those specific settings, but the way the internet is now our words linger online and can be found by people looking for info about us). If it does, I'm willing to suffer the consequences rather than sit in silence while those in pain suffer. 

Please, learn more about depression because those in need are all around you. Get help if any of this sounds too familiar. Above all, be gentle with those suffering from mental illness, they are fighting the good fight and deserve a few cheerleaders. 

A series of posts about depression on an LDS focused blog. (While I don't support everything on this site I am a huge fan of the depression series.) 

A wonderful post about being a mother with depression

Wonder if you're depressed?

A study out just today about a belief in God effecting depression.

Sick, Snow, and Valentines

Most of the family is sick, including me. Thankfully no puking, so it's good, as far as sick goes. It shows up a bit differently in every family member but basically it's the creepy crud, sore throat, body aches, fever, and J. had ear pain yesterday. 

Tomorrow night we're supposed to get 6-12 more inches of snow. The streets are so narrow in some parts of Philly, then you add street parking, and I have no idea how they move the snow. 

 

Here are a few sites we scoped out for ideas for A's valentines. 

The Crafty Crow

Family Fun

and of course Martha Stewart

They want your Money

There is a time in every child's life that you have to teach this important truth: Most people are out to get their money. Right now you're asking me, "Jaded much?" Yes I am jaded, and very realistic, and I want my kids to hang on to their money. The place we begin teaching this is right in our own home as we sit in front of the TV. 

"Mom, we should buy that!"

"Why?"

"Because it makes pancakes in a flash, with fillings!"

"Do you really think it takes less time to cook pancakes in that pan than in the pan we have now?"

"Um.... that's what the commercial says."

"But do you think it is really true, or do they just want your money?"

After several of these type discussions the kids know the answer- "They want our money." 

It makes me smile from ear to ear when my kids go through this routine with each other. 

"Hey sis, we could put our allowance money together to buy that!"

"No, they just want our money."

Love it. 

Not that I love that I have to teach this lesson to my kids. I can barely imagine a world where "money back guarantee" really meant money back guarantee. While we live in this real world full of people after our money I believe it is my duty to teach this concept just as sure as it is my duty to teach them to work hard to earn that money. It's related to the concept 'you can't get something for nothing', 'if it's too good to be true it probably is', along those lines. In short, we're surrounded by deception. 

DH and I had a conversation today about the global warming debate, about the increasing evidence that numbers were manipulated to produce a desired result despite peer review. In short, the world has been deceived by a community that is supposed to rely on impersonal facts. Guess what? The facts were produced by a person, therefore they are in some way 'personal' facts. There's no taking the person out of the equation and so there is no taking the imperfect out of the equation. This life is not the time or place to expect perfection. 

Why would someone manipulate data? They want your money. (That was a question to test your comprehension of the first part of the post.) So you say that the researchers weren't out for money, they didn't get a cent. Which leads to my next point - If they don't want your money, then they want your attention and regard - they want power. 

"As you pursue your discipleship and observe the human scene, do not be surprised or unnerved by the natural man’s relentless push for preeminence and power. It really reflects the premortal psychodrama. Nor should you be surprised over the efforts of so many to cover their sins or to gratify their vain ambition (see D&C 121:37). Be grateful, therefore, for the gospel’s emphasis on meekness. Be careful of the natural man’s milder expressions—craving for credit and rustling for recognition. Alas, so often the hearts and even the moral agency of others can be crushed in the search for self-glorification."*

Wow, crushed hearts and moral agency. In the end that is what my teaching conversations in front of the TV are all about- teaching my children to preserve their hearts and moral agency from those that would crush them for their own gain. This isn't just about TV, it's about every facet of life: work, play, and the internet. 

*Side note: This quote is a great way to watch yourself - when you embark on a new endeavor, ask yourself why. If it involves credit, recognition, or power then check your ambitions at the door and re-think your endeavor.