Tomorrow is our big church change - a new ward (congregation).
When I think about trying to explain this to someone who isn't Mormon I don't know how to explain. It's a huge deal, like if your whole family was going to school and switched schools, and got jobs, that didn't pay any money, at that school. I'm tempted to say it's our whole life changing. That's too extreme to let slide off my tongue. A better way to say it is that it effects the lives of everyone in our family, in ways that remain to be seen.
DH and I have been awaiting this change for over a year. In fact about 15 months ago I was desperate for it, like gagging for air when there is none, kind of desperate. I really thought mentally and spiritually I was at an end, that it was adversely effecting our family, and I told DH as much. He encouraged me to soldier on because who knew what tomorrow may bring? I specfically remember a conversation about the wards changing, saying it had to be less than 6 months away. Then DH said, "What if it's not, what if it's a year away?"
"That's impossible, I just couldn't do it. I'd be a puddle on the floor."
It was a year and I'm not a puddle on the floor.
I'm nervous. I'm worried. I'm sad. I'm excited.
I'm nervous because it's like being the new kid all over again. I don't know who the nice kids are, who the gossipy ones are, who the dependable ones are. My kids don't either. Very few people there know us. I worry about first impressions, about any snap judgement at all because for the first two weeks my family will attend without me. I have assignments in other wards for my stake calling. So people will probably look at DH and whisper, "What a great man, to bring his 4 children to church by himself." Which he is, but then do I get labeled the inactive slacker mother/wife? It's similar to when we moved to Colordado - A. had the best primary teacher, an older sister who just went over the top with her lessons and was so loving. I felt bad because she sat in sacrament meeting every week by herself. So I went out of my way to thank her and be encouraging, only to find out that she was the stake president's wife. Yep, I'll be eating a piece o' that pie.
I'm worried because a Spanish branch was attempted in our area before and it was a train wreck. Seriously. Train. Wreck. I worry not about appearances, but about each individual I know and love, that I have invested time in. I worry about the teenage girl that I used to pick up for every activity. When I was released as her leader, her attendance slacked off until now she is seldom seen and doesn't return phone calls. What happens to her with this change? She speaks English and Spanish (but better at English), her parents speak mostly Spanish, and the parents aren't members of the church. Where will she end up, who will know her circumstances well enough to know where she will be best loved? Will she just become a faceless name on the roll? She is just one example.
I'm sad because I have come to love the Latin culture. Who will kiss me on the cheek 40 times every week if not my Latin hermanas? Who will praise me, "Ohhh muy bien!" When I greet them with a, "Hola, como estas?" Who will be so willing to believe in visions and miracles? Who will pour their heart out as purely as I have ever witnessed if not those humble hermanos who have repented of their ways and struggle daily to keep demons at bay? Will there be a place for me to teach the gospel to a person who has never heard of a prophet? Who will feed me rice and beans, coconut jello, and cake with flan?!! Aughh.. I can't even think about the food. Although they said I'm invited to eat with them any time. So I'll keep my nose attuned to those smells wafting from the church kitchen. It seems those hermanas always bring food on fast Sundays :)
I'm excited because I haven't been to a Relief Society activity in my own ward in English for over 3 years. It may have been that long since I've heard a RS lesson in English too. DH gets a new calling, one so finely attuned to his skill set that he's happy about it, and so am I. My children will attend Primary classes with many more children their age and from more similar family situations. We might even have play dates. (Play dates are a little awkward in the inner-city, you just never know what kind of situation your child might be walking into, so you just don't try.) Could I even possibly find a few other stay-at-home moms with friend and babysitting potential? And I will be able to speak English to every member of the Relief Society presidency, and they'll be able to talk to me. Oh... which means they'll ask me to do things and actually want a report on my visiting teaching. I'll have to get used to that again.
So, you see, it's a big deal. I'm scared but it will be OK. Everything with church works out if you keep the big picture in mind, stay obedient, and do your best to love people.
Wish us luck!