lajendi

Meet Emily...

The last few weeks I have gotten to know an amazing woman. Actually the word I use for her now is awesomesauce, she taught it to me.

Usually when I write profiles for the Mormon Women website they are for women I already know in some way. But this time I was asked to interview a woman I didn't know, her name is Emily. So I went in cold turkey, it was a little strange (for her also I think). I am so grateful the opportunity was given to me, because it is now a friendship I treasure. Her story is overwhemingly powerful.

Please check out Emily's life story at Mormonwomen.org, in two parts. The first is today and second will be posted Thursday. Here is the first paragraph to get you started:

At the impressionable age of nine, Emily witnessed the murder of her 13-year-old sister at the hands of their own mother. After hearing this one fact about Emily, probably much like you, I wanted to know more about her. Thankfully she has an open heart, even after all she has been through, and is willing to share it with us. However, this is not about relating the negative experiences that Emily had to endure as a child, it is about the healing that she has found since that time.

Emily is also a blogging maniac. Her site is full of spiritual insights but also the details of her incredible life that I just couldn't fit into my profile for Mormon Women. I am inspired every time I interact with Emily. She isn't perfect, but she's moving forward, and that is inspiring after all she's been through. 

The writing had an added level of intensity because right now Emily is in the Mayo Clinic. She just underwent testing and heart surgery, the post on Thursday will have more information about it. She could use your prayers for healing and strength.  

I just can't say it enough - AWESOMESAUCE!

brain dump

My problem is never, 'I don't have anything to post about today' but rather, 'which thing do I post about today?' (or when do I have time to write the post?). Somewhere in answering that question I have to consider my family's general attitude about their lives going on display. A post I read recently reminded me that this won't just last for today, but forever and always and I don't want to harm any of my children's chances of becoming the President of LEGO Inc. So I tend to steer away from writing about them. But I'll write about myself, and ruin my future any old day.

Everybody gets lonely. So next time you're sittin' on your pity potty (come on, we all do it) thinking, "Why doesn't God tell somebody to bring me a casserole or send someone to do my laundry like a story I heard once..." Remember that the person you wish would come help you is sitting at home lonely, wishing you would go over and help them. So put your slippers on, grab some hot cocoa and head on over there. But don't do their laundry, because that just perpetuates those crazy stories. And I don't want anybody lookin' at my dirty underwear but me.

This is the last year I'm paying for school pictures. It will cost nearly $150 for 3 kids this year. And they don't even look very good (the pictures, not my kids. My kids are goooood lookin'!). In this day and age of digital cameras, downloading images and online photo processing with mail service it is so easy to take cute fall pictures in your own backyard. So forget it Lifetouch. From working in a photo studio I have a pretty good idea the moola they make off of every cute little school kid. Next year I will not bow to the momentum of tradition and peer pressure. Next year my kids will have their picture taken for the yearbook, but for the pictures we hang on the wall and pass out to relatives it's the digital camera. But this year, cha-ching! (The following photos are not to prove my photography skills, I took them in the .5 seconds before they went to school on picture day, but to attest to my good lookin' kids)

 

  
  
 

 why is the camera focusing on the counter behind him and not his handsome face?  
  
  
  
  

cheesey face with binki 
 

Speaking of photos, I think it is finally time for our brood to suck it up and have another one taken - the dreaded family photo. It's been so long that Baby isn't in the last one, I wasn't even pregnant. We'll see if I can get that together for the Christmas card or not. Don't hold your breath though. Do I say this every year?

Our weather has been beautiful. Too bad I can't even go for a WALK! The doctor and physical therapists say not yet. Is this not ridiculous? I'm ready to just tell them, oops, I forgot my bus money, had to walk. Or something. It's gorgeous with the fall leaves and bright sun, crisp air and I'm not out there. Maybe I'll be really pathetic and steal one of those motorized carts from the grocery store. Not the same. And I'd probably laugh at myself so hard I'd fall of the cart and get run over by a pastry truck. On the bright side I'm almost off the horrid prescription so I'm feeling better, knees hurting, but other stuff better.

Mom, yes I got your email about Christmas names. I emailed you back but you didn't get it, I guess. (Should I have done a whole post on that?)

I started reading The Glass Castle last night. I'm halfway through it. It hits me in a personal way, but it's more tragic. It's like seeing a girl wearing a shirt just like yours and then watching her get hit by a bus. It messes with your head. Good cheery reading!

The kids have Monday and Tuesday off. Columbus, I like you for that reason. Did you know that Latinos (from the Americas) don't like it that we celebrate Columbus day? Ponder and discuss -

October brings strange bedfellows

Phoenix Rising

I'm too excited about this to believe in the modern-day superstition that to speak of a good thing before it happens is to doom it's birth. And it's not like these thoughts are new, they've been circling my brain for a while. There is some of evidence of their reality too, it's not just fantasy, wishful thinking, or lucky number 7.

The past few years have been painfully difficult with living far from family, a painful body (especially knees), and overwhelming church service.

Living far from family isn't going to change, but I realized as I went to the elementary school open house that our children will be attending the same schools for the third year in a row. That has only happened once, for our oldest child, a long time ago. This kind of stability is invaluable for our children, it brings comfort and prosperity to their world in a way nothing else can. I'm grateful for it and have a feeling, against everything the media tells me, that this good in our lives will continue.

Yesterday I went to my first physical therapy appointment for my knees. It was encouraging, although not a miracle cure. The physical therapist said he felt we could get the pain in my knees down to a 1 or a 2 (now 5 or a 6) without medication. He even said he'd get me back to running. I told him I just didn't think it was wise to go down that road with my physical realities of loose ligaments and arthritic knees. He thought I was giving up. I told him it was nothing of the sort, just realism. I'm very much for getting better, but walking and cycling for exercise instead. The thought of things getting better after two years of hurting makes me absolutely ebullient!

Then there is the secret that we're not supposed to talk about, and this just drives me nuts. Because it is huge. It could be the biggest change in my life, it will make all the difference. We're really not even supposed to know. There could be changes at church soon that could relieve a lot of pressure. I'm giddy, confused, nervous, all turned around. Change does that kind of thing to a person. What would normal do to me after abnormal for so long?

I make it sound so rosy. But the key to these three things is that they all take work. I have never been afraid of work. It makes me feel good to really work. Work does take time, that can be the catch sometimes. Really it's the toil and strain of emotional and spiritual work that have filled the last three years that is - stick a fork in it - DONE. Give me leg lifts and 5 am wake ups in exchange for happy stable children and adult friendships any time.

 

All these things together make me feel like a phoenix, who has been in the fire for three long years. Maybe the cleansing of the fire is over and I'm about to take flight.

busy writing

It is good when my body fails me to have other talents and options for work and productivity. This is a huge blessing of our modern society. One of my essays is now on display at Mormon Woman, and many more are in the works.

I am grateful for how well my mental faculties work. Even if at the same time I lament the things I cannot do because of my physical limitations. I miss really heart pumping, muscle burning workouts. I miss being outgoing and friendly, pain overwhelms me a lot and it takes effort now to do things socially when it never did before. It worries me that people might think this change in me is something about them. But at the same time I don't talk about being sick. I don't like being sick. It is hard to describe, it changes all the time, the vocabulary isn't sufficient, and negative stereotypes abound. So I just avoid the whole mess by not talking about it most of the time. Many thanks to the few people who do listen when I talk about it. Listening to people talk about health issues is one of the great discomforts of life- enough to make your buttcheeks find a mobility of their own to get you out of there when the discussion starts. Thank you to DH, Ashley, Michelle, and Kathy who just listen with out comparing, one-upping, judging, or labeling. I'm confused, lost, and in pain; your support makes my life easier.

I'm confused as to what to do next medically. I have physical therapy, which will help my knees, but I have other issues which need to be addressed before our deductable starts up again in January. Which doctors do I ask about which issues? Sometimes it comes down to very personal questions. How much relief from pain should I expect to get? Should I expect to live with nausea from meds? How confident am I about my issues being related to joint hypermobility? Am I willing to stand up for myself? And how much do I really understand to make competent decisions when my head hurts all the time?

Tootin' my own horn- toot, tooty... toot!

Sometimes, seldom it seems, you get something right. So often with church service I have a difficult time determining my effectiveness. I do what I can, but that doesn't mean that what I can do makes a difference to anyone. It's still good though, because it makes me a better person and all that. It is good to know sometimes that you actually accomplished something.

 

Yesterday I went to visit someone from church, let's call her Janie. I have a list of 7 women that I've been asked to keep in contact with every month. Janie is one of the 7 and I felt an urgency about visiting her yesterday. So my enduring friend Ashley went with me to visit Janie (Ashley has her own separate list of women to visit, she's awesome like that). No one was home. So I put a note by the door and left wondering what more I could do to make contact and why did I feel so compelled with no result?

This morning I received a strange voicemail from someone who didn't even know how to pronounce my name. It was a friend of Janie's.  My impressions to find out how she was were needed. She has been in the hospital for the last week and couldn't contact anyone from church because her cell phone died. Not to mention the fact that she's been sleeping and getting well. By leaving the note at Janie's door last night I gave her friend a contact to call. Thankfully I called Janie at the hospital just in time to give her a ride home and to get her prescriptions filled.

My mommy instincts made it hard for me to just leave Janie at home with all those pills to take and trauma to overcome. But others at church now know too, care about her, and will keep an eye on her. Besides, my mommy instincts were needed at home.

It feels good to make a difference. (sorry for the tootin')

Everybody, but not their dog, at the shore

We packed up with friends bright and early yesterday morning to get to the shore in our non-air conditioned van before the heat would bake us. It wasn't very crowded when we got there but they quickly made their way. If dogs weren't outlawed on the beach, it would have been us with everybody and their dog. It detracts only a little from the experience, you just have to get into that East coast mentality of being packed like sardines while pretending you're the only one that exists. The umbrellas  are pretty though. 

 

 

The theme of the day was sand. Baby was covered in it, head to foot all day (look at the picture up close). I did clean her off sporadically but it was ridiculous to even try. A. was so sand drenched that there is a pile of it embedded between her outer swimsuit fabric and the lining.

 

Ready for her close up. That's called the cheesey face, she makes it when Mom pulls out the camera. This time it really is cheesey because she had Cheetos.

 

Whenever the kids could pull me away they would beg me to attend them so they could play in the deeper surf. My kiddos have never been really into swimming so yesterday when they wanted to get into it, it made me happy. Besides, since I was out there anyway I had a little fun myself (perks of motherhood). The glaring exception in this was my youngest and the oldest. R was upset about something, most likely that a friend didn't call, so she refused to get in the water (no, it wasn't the common female problem). Baby also didn't want to touch the water, the surf scared her. Advantage Mommy though, because I just picked up her little body and went out. Can't do that with R, she's taller than me. They did all have fun playing in the sand. Success!

 

J. and his friend Ja. found a big hole that someone dug and then abandoned. It was the greatest thing of the day (even though I spent $20 on amusement rides).

 

 

This type of sand castle is R.'s specialty. You dribble wet sand and it forms peaks, then she carves tunnels into it. Baby was so intrigued that she watched long enough to figure out how to make them too.

We arrived home at 11:30pm. It was a 16 hour day, full to the brim with fun.

Invite someone over and have grilled pizza!

For at least a year DH and I have talked about having a certain family from church over for dinner. Yesterday we finally did it.

I have all kinds of mental hang ups with having people over and they all involve a perfectionist streak that I like to pretend doesn't exist. So you see why having people over is an issue, I want the house perfect, but then tell myself that perfect isn't necessary or attainable. My brain spins in mental circles going over it all, in the end doing nothing to attain the perfection I want.  Crazy. Pure 100% crazy.

I also worry about physically accomplishing all that dinner guests require- cooking and cleaning. On the same day. My body has had a rebellious streak the last few years and I worry that it will throw a bad day my way when we have dinner guests planned. 

 

This time I said, "Just do it!" So we did. It was so great. One step closer to getting rid of that little psychosis.

There were some simplifications; making Miracle Lasagna (don't cook the noodles in advance, use bottled sauce, and pre-grated cheese), green salad, grilled pizza and grilled pineapple with store bought cookies for dessert. The lasagna went in the oven way ahead of time and I made the pizzas and salad. I grilled the pineapple while the guests were here. They raved about everything and kept thanking us for having them over. We definitely will do it again.

 

Grilled Pineapple

Cut up pineapple, but not too small or it will fall through the grill.

Roll pineapple pieces in brown sugar

Grill.

If you do it just right the brown sugar caramelizes and the pineapple softens a little. Ooooh, good.

Grilled Pizza (I stole it from here)

+2 cups flour (if you're a pro you can use bread flour)

1 T whole wheat flour (adds flavor to the dough but not necessary)

2 T sugar

1 1/4 tea salt

1 tea instant yeast

Mix in food processor with dough blade. Mix the next two ingredients and then slowly add to the dry ingredients.

1 cup water

2 T olive oil

If it is still runny (if you used regular flour) then add flour until it comes away from the side of the bowl. It will still be very sticky, that's how it's supposed to be. Put dough in an oiled bowl, oil the top of the dough so it doesn't get a crust and let raise 1 1/2 to 2 hours. (That's when you make the lasagna)

Flour everything well, and get out a piece of parchment and flour it too. Press the dough down gently. Make dough balls (I made 6) and let them rest 10 minutes. Roll out the dough balls on a piece of parchment (easier to get the sticky dough off) use plenty of flour. They should be about 1/8" thick. Layer circles on top of each other with floured parchment in between.

First cook each pizza on one side on the grill without toppings until bubbles appear. Remove it from the grill and put toppings on the cooked side. Then after toppings added put it back on the grill for ~3 minutes with the lid down so the cheese will melt.

The secret is to top with ingredients that aren't too wet:

Brush with a combo of pressed garlic and olive oil

Tomatoes that have been seeded and salted to remove moisture

Caramelized onions

Mozzarella cheese mixed with grated parmesan

Sprinkle with italian seasoning

I hope I don't make it sound too hard. You don't have to use a food processor. You could use waxed paper instead of parchment. You could use yummy stuff from your garden (green peppers, thin squash slices, etc), all you need to buy is the cheese. You probably have everything you need to make the dough at home. If you don't have olive oil don't even tell me, that's just sad. In fact I think you aren't even allowed to live within 100 miles of NYC without it. I thought this would be yummy with prosciutto, but I felt too cheap at the store, I'll try it next time.

Our next adventure in entertaining will be a Cafe Rio night with the Ashley and Aaron, good stuff!

What do nightmares mean?

    When I wake up because of a nightmare I feel silly. As an adult it seems that I shouldn't be scared because of something that isn't real. I mean, as adults we are self-possessed and brave, right? Yet, at 4 am I woke up with a frantic feeling and a rapid heartbeat because of a nightmare. Usually I get comfort by cuddling up with DH, but he's a thousand miles away. So you get to be my psychoanalyst while I work through this crazy nightmare.

    Freud had many specific ideas about what dreams mean. You could buy a book that would tell you exactly why you keep having that dream about Heffleumps and Woozles. Not that I necessarily buy into that, but I don't think our night thoughts are meaningless either. There have been studies to show that we remember things better after a good night's sleep. So we should have 24-48 hours between study sessions to improve our memory. Sleep is the downtime our brains need to process and file everything that has happened during a day. I think of dreams and nightmares as our brain's subconscious way of trying to sort all those mental files, to make sense of life.

    My nightmare was alot like the movie The Game, with Michael Douglas. I was the person in the made-up game, with horrible things happening. But I wasn't alone in the game, 11 other people were in it too. Playing their parts and being manipulated by some unseen mastermind, until at some point I realized they were all actors working against me. There was someone I knew from high school in there at the beginning but they disappeared, leaving me alone to fight. It was not fun, complete with a decapitated hand, drugs, and at the end someone trying to break my bones is what woke me up. How can someone as non-violent and calm as me, have a dream like this?

    Did I tell you that after I awoke I realized that the faces of the other people in the game were familiar? They were the jurors on the trial I participated in just before we left on vacation. The person trying to beat me at the end? The woman who most passionately disagreed with me on the jury. The thing that happened yesterday that spawned this thing? I admitted to DH that I'm tired of vacation and ready to go home.

    It is hard living in Allentown, I feel alone much of the time. It is difficult to continue fighting to be the person I want to be. So unlike being in Utah where I feel supported by family, friends, and community. It is still strange to me to pass someone in a public place who is talking about their ward or home teachers. Or to have perfect strangers say a happy "good morning" on the street. Not to mention the obvious, and somewhat annoying, commercials aimed directly at Mormons. Such a contrast from Allentown. While the girl scout moms talk about how happy they are to have teams play their games on Sunday I just keep quiet. At bookgroup when they suggest going out for coffee or something stronger I just smile and head for home. Getting a scowl when you chirp, "good morning" to a stranger doesn't produce warm fuzzies either.

    Serious Mormons would probably tell me that these are great missionary opportunities. And I would tell them to try walking a mile in my shoes. In those situations people don't want a sermon, and I'm not looking to further isolate myself by being labeled a religious zealot. You have to be tactful and find people in the proper mindset to listen, not just throw out the BOM like a deck of playing cards.

    'In the world but not of it' is what we Mormons like to say. That's all well and good when your world is 60% like you and the other 40% knows what you're talking about. Being alone in a crowd is continually hard, beyond explanation. Just when you think you're OK and have found a rhythm an experience slaps you upside the head to remind you that you aren't in Kansas anymore Dorothy.  Even my church congregation leaves me feeling left out, with so many members speaking Spanish and only one other stay at home mom ,who lives 45 minutes away.

    While being in Utah I have thought to myself that surely God has a good reason for taking me away from this picturesque state and those that I love. Maybe one day I'll figure out what it is.

    I didn't have much time to process the experience of being on a jury before I left, I went straight to the preparations for vacation. It still haunts me that I knew I was right, while 10 other people (who I got along with) completely disagreed with me. (For the record, I still think I'm right.) So here I am thinking about returning to Allentown and those jurors are in my subconscious waiting for me to admit that I'm strong enough to keep being the odd woman out.

    Got some ruby slippers I can borrow?

STUFFED!!!

Let me tell you the wonderous things that have filled me:

Number one on the list is home-made meals not made by me (thank you Mom P!)

Taco Time crunchy burrito, we're pretty sure they've changed oils since last time we partook of this savory, oil laden delicacy, but, "it's still good, it's still good!"

Tucanos the Brazilian meat feast. Wholy shamole, I haven't been that full in a long time. DH and I went there on a date night, then to the Springville Art Museum to see their gorgeous new sculpture garden. (I'd love to show you my pics but I left the connection cable at home.) This museum is one of my very favorites, I'm so happy to see the money being spent to perserve the art and the wonderful building that houses it. We spoke to the gardeners who went through the 4 year process of turning a junk yard into a wonderful garden and also a major Utah artitst; Antonio Rasmussen. It was a great night. Well, there is that little sentimental attachement too... in high school I received a 'major award' at the Springville Art Museum.

Bombay House- the best Indian food in Utah just happens to hide in Provo. We go out for an adults-only dinner there every time we gather with the in-laws. A trip to Utah just wouldn't be the same without it. I even think they've had new murals painted since our last visit so it's pretty too.

Arctic Circle- you can't get Lime Rickeys in PA. But while we're stopping there we might as well get some mini corn dogs, sweet potato fries, and onion rings. Just to my credit, know that we couldn't finish it all.

I considered telling you about every great gathering I've attended while in Utah but you'd be bored by my tedious repetition. Just know that I feel so rewarded by the interactions we've had here, and the trip is only at it's half-way mark. I can't imagine having such wonderful gatherings if not for the fact that we live so far away. When you live close to each other there is a tendency to take one another for granted. Living far away and visiting infrequently makes me a bit zealous about getting together (could you tell by my month-long stay?). While I am here I try to touch base with as many people as I can, giving our relations refreshment until the day comes that we can be close and take each other for granted again. Something whispers that this mountain of happy relations is part of our blessings for being faithful while far from those we love.

If you're one of those that has housed us, fed us, or entertained us (or will do so soon) thank you. Here's to making memories that will last!