lajendi

Be Strong

     Years ago I bought a book called Becoming Women of Strength. Usually when I read a book I don't re-read it, only enjoying the initial exposure to new information. But this book was one that I read over and over again and looked up specific passages to ponder more. It's not often that I stumble across a book that fits my timely personal needs as well as this one did. 

      At that time in my life I prayed for greater strength on a daily basis. I felt so overwhelmed by life that I couldn't see myself improving. It was similar to trying to lift a box that is too heavy - you try and try but at some point realize that it is just beyond your powers. I recognized my need for greater strength to lift the weight, so when I came across a book about gaining strength I bought it. It was a pleasant surprise to find that it wasn't full of 'get strong quick' formulas, but contained real truths about being strong with God's support.

     Here are a few quotes from the book:

"Sister Elaine Jack wisely counseled that 'maturity allows acceptance of self even when you are not all you would want to be.' (Stability in these Times, Women of Wisdom & Knowledge, p. 42)." p. 20

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"'Forinasmuch as this people draw near unto me with their mouth, and with their lips do honor me, but have removed their hearts far from me, and their fear towards me is taught by the precepts of men...'(2Ne 27:25) We believe that precept of "fear" spoken of by Nephi refers to the destructive guilt, shame, and low self-esteem we often incorporate into our religious beliefs. Faith in our own worth and our eternal potential is a natural by-product of correctly applying the truths of the gospel. When we know 'the only true God and Jesus Christ,' we will know that the eternal mission of the Savior is to perfect the sinner - to help us feel the highest self-esteem in spite of our mistakes." p. 46

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"Choose to believe that your best self is the real you." p. 50

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"The reality of marriage is that we will experience frustration and anger at times. It is unhealthy for us to suppress such feelings. chastising ourselves for having such "ungodly" thoughts. Anger can turn to sustained resentment, which eventually manifests itself through emotional barriers, increasing marital conflict, and physical illness. 'Many marriages are being destroyed because partners have not learned how to properly express their anger. They are keeping the lid on a lot of deep feelings, doing a slow burn, and getting even in a thousand and one subtle ways.' (David A. Seamunds, Healing for Damaged Emotions, p. 106-107). Anger is a secondary emotion caused by other feelings, such as 'I feel hurt,' 'I feel jealous,' 'I feel unimportant.' Finding our true emotion beneath the layers of anger is a challenge, especially if we have made it a habit to suppress our feelings. Do not hesitate to pray and ask the Lord to help reveal the feelings of your heart." p. 144

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     Recently a local church leader shared a few of his concerns about the rising generation. He has stewardship over missionaries, age 19-23, in our area so he has had enough experience that I trust his assessments (and he's a parent, you could even say he's a temporary parent to more than a hundred missionaries). One of the things that he has found is that some youth have not been required to do hard things. What's the problem with this? These young adults lack the strength necessary to be good missionaries because they haven't used their emotional, mental, and spiritual muscles, their souls have a bit of atrophy. 

    I don't believe he's saying that the youth under his care aren't good people who want to do good. I believe what he was trying to point out is that shielding children from all difficulty does them no favors. This illuminated my thinking as a parent and reminded me that my past struggles have given me strength. 

     As I'm writing this post a real life example is taking place with my son, J. Yesterday we instituted a new house rule - before free time everyone has to clean for 10 minutes. R. and A. weren't thrilled about this, but they complied quickly and had free time as usual. J. was not happy and pouted, whined, and wasted at least 30 minutes of his free time. Today J's attitude was even worse, so bad that it was impossible for me to time his clean up. I switched from a timed clean up to a specific chore being accomplished, which he liked even less. He cried and wailed, "It's too hard, I can't do it!" After that statement I was determined to show him that he could do it, even if it took all night. Now he is done and happily enjoying his free time. I hope this situation and others like it show J. that he can do hard things. By exposing my children to situations just beyond their comfort level I'm strengthening them and preparing them for life. 

      This is what God did in my past when I sought for strength, and he continues to do it now. Situations happen that seem beyond my capabilities, sometimes I'd even like to cry like J., "It's too hard, I can't do it!" (sometimes I do). When I apply truth those situations I find that through the experience I am strengthened just a little, enough to meet the requirements of the next hard thing. In the meantime I develop some pretty good muscles like determination, patience, compassion, and leadership. Proving this scripture to be true:  "All these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good." (D&C 122:7)

Winter blahs

     This time of year I've got to be more vigilant about my mental and emotional well-being. I think most people have some blahs this time of year. (Unless you live in Australia of course, maybe that's why Alexander wanted to move there?) Depression doesn't feel too far away when the landscape is dull grey while the weather and sick kids force me into hibernation. It could be the letdown after the holidays and birthdays in January also. February seems to be when our family's immune systems fly the white flag,  so I've got to stay home with sick kids and not go to the gym on my regular schedule either. Cleaning up puke doesn't make for happy days, you know? It's the perfect storm just before my favorite time of the year, Spring!  

     Remembering that Spring is close helps me endure it. Having lived a few years it is a comfort to know that Spring always follows the long cold dark days of winter. I've survived it before, I can survive it again. Looking at pictures of my summertime garden reminds me of the possibilities and realities of summer. 

 
  The following 2 pictures both show the BBQ grill and surroundings, the comparison is amazing! 

 
 

     Our family passed around a horrible cold. It probably took 3 weeks for it to move through every family member. We went from that illness straight to a stomach bug. It's going through the family one at a time, 2-3 days for each person. So if the trend holds, this round of illnesses will be over in time for J's 8th birthday. Throw in 5 snow days and I've had 3 days of normalcy in the last month. I'm trying to remember that all this snow will make for a very lush Spring. 

     I've wondered if lack of sun could contribute to the winter blahs, and science backs that up. Seasonal Depression is recognized as real and has some validity when you understand our need for vitamin D. It is produced by our bodies when our skin is exposed to the sun. If we get too little sun, or the sun is too far away (in northern climes in the winter), or our skin is covered when we are in the sun then our body doesn't make as much vitamin D. 

    The last few months I've been taking vitamin B6, B2 E, Magnesium, and feverfew. I began taking these under the direction of my Neurologist, to control headaches and carpal tunnel. Now that I've weathered a pretty horrid winter I think they also kept me going mentally and physically. 

     Being involved with church has been helpful too, having events to look forward to and people to interact with. 

     So let's all hang on just a bit longer. Spring will come eventually, because as far as I can tell the earth is still spinning. 

Depression and Religion

     Today I feel ill equipped to write this post, but this is so important to me and I want to get the word out. 

 Childhood Depression, by Richard Wilkinson

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     Depression is a hugely misunderstood illness. Especially within the context of religion. Although I am heartily dedicated to my religion, over a decade ago my misunderstandings about how to apply religion to my life led to thought patterns that contributed to my depression. It took non-religious resources to help me put my beliefs into proper practice.  

     While depressed I had unknowingly used guilt as a tool of emotional and spiritual self-mutilation. Sacrifice for others was my motto for life back then, and it's mis-application left me not knowing who I was or what happiness felt like. At the same time I didn't know that what I felt was out of the norm and had a name - depression. 

     While undergoing treatment for depression I was energized with hope, amazed to find there were answers I never knew existed to a problem I didn't know I had. Through therapy and reading books like The Feeling Good Handbook I learned how to constructively deal with emotions and live my religion. It was scary and wonderful to go to therapy. I was very wary of medication, but desperate, so I swallowed it. It took all I had, and the help of experts, to come through the other side. Which is why it is so shocking and hurtful to hear some within the religious community deny the usefulness of these methods. I fear greatly for those suffering from depression within religion because there is so much misinformation and misunderstanding about it. 

     People are not weak, faithless or ungrateful when they have depression. In fact I'd say that some of the strongest people are those who fight against depression every day and manage to live a productive life in the midst of chronic emotional pain. Faith, what greater faith than to get out of bed every morning knowing it will be a day filled with emotional numbness with no light from heaven breaking through the black clouds; yet still dropping to their knees to plead and pray to the God they love.  Gratitude seemed to make my depression worse. I knew the greatness and bounty of my blessings and somehow I still felt horrible, so I heaped on the guilt. 

     Once on the other side, feeling happy, I was petrified of the depression coming back. Some call depression the black dog, mine was a dark monster; an ugly looming figure hiding around every corner. I probably suffered from anxiety at that time as I worried about depression's ever-present threat. 

    It has been long enough since the blackest days of my depression that I'm not so scared of the monster. Through the proper practice of my religion, exercise, careful balancing of my days, rest,  a understanding husband, and many nuanced coping techniques I have a happy life. But that pain - intense, dark and hopeless - it is something I will never forget. So I am outspoken about my depression. Hopefully it never prevents me from getting a job, being approved for a mortgage, or other opportunities (not that I bring it up in those specific settings, but the way the internet is now our words linger online and can be found by people looking for info about us). If it does, I'm willing to suffer the consequences rather than sit in silence while those in pain suffer. 

Please, learn more about depression because those in need are all around you. Get help if any of this sounds too familiar. Above all, be gentle with those suffering from mental illness, they are fighting the good fight and deserve a few cheerleaders. 

A series of posts about depression on an LDS focused blog. (While I don't support everything on this site I am a huge fan of the depression series.) 

A wonderful post about being a mother with depression

Wonder if you're depressed?

A study out just today about a belief in God effecting depression.

There isn't a "Fixed".

This world is a mess. There isn't a fix. By that I mean that life is meant to be messy with no easy answers. Yes, this is finally roosting in my brain after 36 years of life. And you know what? It doesn't freak me out and make me hyperventilate. Maybe that's why I can finally let it roost in the cobwebs between my ears. There is no shiny handy dandy all done with this ugly hot mess. If someone tells you otherwise they're sellin' something (buy me some too). 

There is no "fixed". Not here. Not now. There are opportunities to help - Not to fix!- to HELP. You don't have to make it all better. Just hold someone's hand. 

Think about it while you read this (a link I stole from my sister - see that's not fixed either, I still borrow her stuff without askin'). 

Thanks for the Gospel

Today I am amazed and grateful for the intricacies of truth, deep soul love, and glory of the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

At times I feel that proclaiming my faith sounds so evangelical that no one will take me seriously - that it comes off as a trite phrase of agreement with the masses. I want to tell you that my faith couldn't be more personal or less trite, despite the inadequacy of words. 

The intricacies of the truth found in the gospel is like peeling back layers of the heavens. Under each new layer is something interconnected to my existing knowledge and faith that is as beautiful and awe inspiring as the first spark of my belief. 

"There is no end to wisdom;

There is no end to light...

There is no end to truth.

There is no end to glory

There is no end to love;

There is no end to being;

There is no death above."

-'If You Could Hie To Kolob', 

LDS Hymn #284 by William W. Phelps

Deep soul love, the phrase sounds like some 70's soul song. Those inadequate words are the way I try to explain the love of my Heavenly Father, unlike any other. It is not the stuff of silly love ballads, which is probably why the word "love" doesn't seem enough to describe it. Our modern world has sullied the word "love", mixed it up with lust, mistreatment, obsession, and sexual gratification at any cost. The love of my Heavenly Father is expectant, knowing my true needs long before I need them, setting up a way for them to be satisfied. His love is deep, residing in the part of my soul that has always existed and knows Him well because I was nurtured near His side. His love is never hurtful, though he allows me to pass through great troubles so that I may learn and grow if I depend on him in the midst of it. 

In God's church I am surrounded by his other children, who are amazing wonderful children of God. In working with them I become more and learn so much. I trust in God's love more than any other, he has sent me the other loves of my life and made a way for that love to continue forever. 

Glory - real standing in the eyes of God, not power gained from the suffering of others like the world temptingly offers. Glory because I am a child of God, not because I of myself have done enough to merit it. Glory because God created me for great things, things beyond my comprehension but, none the less, attainable. Glory that all have the potential to attain, God is no respecter of persons because we all hold a portion of His glory equally. Glory because when we do good it is because of God. 

Truth, love, and glory, just three of the many reasons I am grateful for the gospel.

They want your Money

There is a time in every child's life that you have to teach this important truth: Most people are out to get their money. Right now you're asking me, "Jaded much?" Yes I am jaded, and very realistic, and I want my kids to hang on to their money. The place we begin teaching this is right in our own home as we sit in front of the TV. 

"Mom, we should buy that!"

"Why?"

"Because it makes pancakes in a flash, with fillings!"

"Do you really think it takes less time to cook pancakes in that pan than in the pan we have now?"

"Um.... that's what the commercial says."

"But do you think it is really true, or do they just want your money?"

After several of these type discussions the kids know the answer- "They want our money." 

It makes me smile from ear to ear when my kids go through this routine with each other. 

"Hey sis, we could put our allowance money together to buy that!"

"No, they just want our money."

Love it. 

Not that I love that I have to teach this lesson to my kids. I can barely imagine a world where "money back guarantee" really meant money back guarantee. While we live in this real world full of people after our money I believe it is my duty to teach this concept just as sure as it is my duty to teach them to work hard to earn that money. It's related to the concept 'you can't get something for nothing', 'if it's too good to be true it probably is', along those lines. In short, we're surrounded by deception. 

DH and I had a conversation today about the global warming debate, about the increasing evidence that numbers were manipulated to produce a desired result despite peer review. In short, the world has been deceived by a community that is supposed to rely on impersonal facts. Guess what? The facts were produced by a person, therefore they are in some way 'personal' facts. There's no taking the person out of the equation and so there is no taking the imperfect out of the equation. This life is not the time or place to expect perfection. 

Why would someone manipulate data? They want your money. (That was a question to test your comprehension of the first part of the post.) So you say that the researchers weren't out for money, they didn't get a cent. Which leads to my next point - If they don't want your money, then they want your attention and regard - they want power. 

"As you pursue your discipleship and observe the human scene, do not be surprised or unnerved by the natural man’s relentless push for preeminence and power. It really reflects the premortal psychodrama. Nor should you be surprised over the efforts of so many to cover their sins or to gratify their vain ambition (see D&C 121:37). Be grateful, therefore, for the gospel’s emphasis on meekness. Be careful of the natural man’s milder expressions—craving for credit and rustling for recognition. Alas, so often the hearts and even the moral agency of others can be crushed in the search for self-glorification."*

Wow, crushed hearts and moral agency. In the end that is what my teaching conversations in front of the TV are all about- teaching my children to preserve their hearts and moral agency from those that would crush them for their own gain. This isn't just about TV, it's about every facet of life: work, play, and the internet. 

*Side note: This quote is a great way to watch yourself - when you embark on a new endeavor, ask yourself why. If it involves credit, recognition, or power then check your ambitions at the door and re-think your endeavor.

Useless Cares and Unhappiness

"Come, come, ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear;
But with joy wend your way.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
’Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell—
All is well! All is well!"

- William Clayton (LDS Hymns #30)

I used to watch Oprah frequently. One of the things that I enjoyed about it was the feeling I got when the following scenario happened (As it did frequently. But this is only a re-enactment, not an actual conversation on the show.)

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Oprah: Today we'd like to welcome Leah, a 38 year old housewife from Arizona. Let's take a look at Leah's life 

(They show a clip of Leah's lavish house, her 2.6 kids, tricked out SUV, and movie star gorgeous husband. The last shot is of Leah, perfectly attired and quaffed. She says, "I feel like I have it all, like this is what I've worked for all my life. But now that I'm here I'm just not happy." The clip ends with Leah peering into the sunset longingly from the deck of her swimming pool.)

Oprah: Leah, thank you for being on the show, we appreciate you sharing this painful secret with the world. 

Leah: (with tears in her eyes) Thank you for having me. I want to be here so I can help other women just like me. 

(Leah goes on to detail her life and explain that before she changed there was no joy, no excitement in her life.)

Oprah: Tell us about the change that happened in your life.

Leah: I decided that I wasn't taking care of me. My life was all about my family, and their interests. Since that time I've started a company that recruits women for high paying corporate boards, learned to ski, and I consult for a private home decorating firm. My life is going in the right direction, I am finally getting what I deserve, a life focused on myself. 

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There are several reasons that this scene may have elicited warm fuzzies for me. First, it proved to me that even rich people aren't happy. It reinforced my preconceived notions about wealth and happiness (which isn't true). Second, it validated my own feelings of unease and lessened the burden of responsibility. Meaning that if this woman who seemingly had it all and did it all was unhappy then obviously the fact that I experienced sadness proved that it was because I wasn't doing enough for myself. Despite the initial warm fuzzies and the need to properly care for ourselves, I think these type of scenarios planted seeds of dissatisfaction and selfishness in my soul. It created a sense of entitlement.

My sister recently mentioned entitlement in a blog post . As children of God we are entitled to absolutely zip. That's right, our "deserving" anything from God is a falsehood. 

 "I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants ." Mosiah 2:21. 

This scripture used to make me feel uncomfortable, like I wasn't of value, that at any moment God could dessimate me because I wasn't worth anything to him. But that isn't what this scripture is saying! We are of intense value to God, but it is not because we are profitable servants. We can't add one ounce to his possessions, he already owns it all! What God is after is our salvation and eternal life, not more in his bank account. 

It is interesting to me that the scripture above is included in a sermon about service. King Benjamin wanted his people to serve, yet he told them that serving didn't profit God. Was he sending a mixed message? No, he was teaching us about the qualities of true service, and about the personality of God. God serves us constantly even though we don't profit him anything. If this is our example, what does that say about our service? That we shouldn't expect anything in return for service. No entitlements. 

The answer to why we should serve goes beyond obedience and because people are in need. The answer is in this quote from David O. McKay, "Man’s greatest happiness comes from losing himself for the good of others." (from this talk)

Service is the answer for unhappiness. (Please understand that I am not saying that service is the answer for clinical depression or other mental illnesses, that is a hugely different issue.)

Many years ago I became acquainted with a wealthy woman (wealthy by my standards). One day we got onto the topic of paying tithing, she said,"Getting paid more doesn't mean that paying tithing is any easier. It gets harder because that check is so large. You look at it and think, Wow, that could almost buy a car!" An attitude that what we sacrifice is too much, is sometimes mentally applied to the service we might perform for our fellow man.

I've wrongly thought that way very recently in regards to the responsibilities my husband and I have at church. It seemed overwhelming that so much is asked of both of us. How could we take care of everything in our lives and perform the duties necessary at church? When I asked it of myself, of my husband, and of God, I thought it was a rhetorical question. Turns out God gave me an answer. The answer is that I have too many useless cares. I have too much good and better but not enough best. 

(Mother's Day 2007, pg with Baby, R, J, & A) 

This morning the lines to the hymn at the beginning of this post came into my mind, "our useless cares from us to drive..." The service I perform is important, to some in desperate need it could even be called essential. My children and husband would say that my service in our home is essential. That is something worth caring about. What isn't so obvious is what isn't worth caring about, the useless cares. It is a waste of our precious energies to worry and care for useless things. Useless cares may be different for each individual- right now Oprah is on my list of useless cares, but she might not be one of yours. 

A care that I thought was less important, but not exactly useless, was housework and maintaining a nice home (not overly lavish). I am realizing that it is important and effects my family. After I cleaned the kitchen and cleared everything off the kitchen table, J said, "Mom I like what you did with the table." A little clue that I hadn't been creating the right environment in my home. Today I mopped the floor (hooray me!). At the end of each day that I make an effort towards keeping a nice home I feel good. I'm not saying that this is something you need to care about (just like you're not going to tell me to care about Oprah), but for me, and where I'm at in my progression, it is something that God wants me to care about. 

We have to trust God enough to let him lead us in a direction that roots the useless cares out of our lives, choosing the path of selfless service. To me that is what the hymn means when it says, "No toil nor labor fear." Choosing service usually involves a period of stress where we renegotiate our priorities and find useless cares to eliminate.Through this process we will not become profitable servants to God, but we will find greater happiness, please God, and have the side benefit of aiding those in need. 

Compared to...

I know, we're not supposed to compare our lives to others. We're not supposed to covet. But what about the other way around? Is it horrible to see someone else's life and think, "Wow, at least I don't have to deal with that!"

My friend Traci says that if we all threw our problems into a pile and then chose which ones we'd prefer from that pile, we'd choose the ones we originally had. I think that's fairly true. As strange as it may sound, looking at that big pile of aggregate problems can be encouraging. We see that others are traveling troubled roads too, it helps us feel less alone and we can take courage in seeing others rise up to meet their challenges. Then there is the 'it could be worse' factor. 

Living in the U.S. I think it is vital that we seek to become aware of the needs of the entire world, to keep from become insular. It is important for us to think about how all of God's children around the world are living so that we can see that our lifestyle is lavish in comparison. This leads us to share more. The recent events in Haiti are a perfect example. That country is perpetually plagued with major problems, but only now as all eyes are on them after the earthquake, is aid rushing in (not that they weren't getting any before, just not enough). I do not think that the earthquake was a good thing, but maybe Haiti finally getting the world's attention and compassion is a blessing that comes from it. 

How we choose to share our lives and goods is different for every person. That's where we work with God. We ask for his guidance, knowing that he knows us, our talents, and our breaking point better than we know it ourselves. Once we feel God has directed us in a certain direction, we jump in and help. Even if we don't exactly know how it will turn out or how we'll deal with the implications (emotional, spiritual, monetary, etc.). This is one aspect of the faith we should have in God. 

Here are a few things that put my problems and blessings in perspective:

NieNie is recovering from surgery, again.

Dandelion Mama is giving up her dream home, after her husband chooses addiction over his family.

This young father and musician recently had a heart transplant.

A family is apart when the Haitian earthquake happened, the mom at church, the father at work. The three children were trapped in their collapsed home. See the happy ending. 

Confusion: Mistakes, Sins, Productivity. What is of Lasting Value?

"That we do a lot may not be so important. That we focus the energy of

 our minds, our hearts, and our souls on those things of eternal significance

 -that is essential."

This quote has been swirling around in my brain with other things, one of which is the YW lesson I've prepared for my stake assignment. It is about repentance, one of the quotes I found is about the difference between sin and a mistake:

"For most of us, most of the time, the choice between good and bad is easy. What usually causes us difficulty is determining which uses of our time and influence are merely good, or better, or best. Applying that fact to the question of sins and mistakes, I would say that a deliberately wrong choice in the contest between what is clearly good and what is clearly bad is a sin, but a poor choice among things that are good, better, and best is merely a mistake." (Dallin H. Oaks, "Sins and Mistakes," Ensign, Oct 1996, 62)

    I spend too much time dithering over what could possibly be a mistake, giving it as much mental weight as if I were deliberating over a sin. If I really don't know what to do, then I should choose an option, succeed or fail according to that choice (which could result in a mistake, not a sin). If I make a mistake I learn from it and move on, better prepared to make a better decision the next time. 

    I think this is what the Lord is talking about when he says to 'apply our hearts to understanding' - learning and becoming wise through the process of making mistakes. While our mistakes do have accompanying consequences, there is not the consequence of offending God as there is with a sin. (The talk by Elder Oaks explains it much better than I am here.) The major difference between the two, to me, is that with sin God has given us specific direction and we disobey. With a mistake we have general instructions (like "focus the energy of our minds, our hearts, and our souls on those things of eternal significance") but the application of the concept is unclear to us and we haven't received revelation as to a specific course of action. This is a huge part of the learning that takes place in this life, applying knowledge, making mistakes, and learning through our own experience.

    Sometimes this whole process of deciding a course of action is more about deciding to do something or deciding to refrain from action. Like today, I had a ton of things to do, but because of feeling badly the last few days I decided that I needed to rest. I'm still not sure if that was a mistake or not, but I made that choice with the best of intentions based on my current knowledge. 

    You could say there were two commandments competing in this situation - that I should care for my physical body, not run faster than I have strength and the admonition to not sleep longer than is needful, and to live according to the law of the harvest and the ethic of work (<--this work link is to an awesome article!). It's like Elder Oaks said, the difference between good, better, and best; which changes constantly! What could be best for me today, taking a nap, may not be what is best for me tomorrow.

    Satan so loves to confuse us, and I know that for me one way he gets me confused and stunted is by making me feel that I'm not doing enough and that it is sin. This especially applies to motherhood. I've been stressing over the eating habits of my family, worried about starting my children off in life with the healthiest habits. It dawned on me today that I am doing a good job of this - we don't drink alcohol, tea, coffee, we don't smoke, we limit sweets, we grow a garden, I pack sack lunches, eat some organic/whole foods, etc. Yet Satan has me feeling like a failure in this area - it's crazy!!! I get so caught up in this worry that I may spend time on food prep that I could spend actually interacting with my children :) So instead of "doing" food I could be with my children, just being with them.

    Another area this applies for me is putting my kids in extra-curricular activities. It's just not something I feel is important, yet I feel pressure from the world and friends constantly. It creeps in a makes me worry that I'm not providing something essential for my children. While it isn't a sin, and other wonderful people I know do put their kids in extra activities, I believe it would be a mistake for me to overburden our lives with more commitments. 

    To sum it all up - I'm too uptight and I over-think things. Hopefully I can learn to trust 

God more, to leave my children's future, and mine, in His hands. Believing that he will lead 

me to do those things that are of eternal significance while at the same time feeling hopeful

 and at peace. 

I am Soft

 

     In my teenage years I had a weird habit of slugging people. Not right in the face, thank goodness, but a slug in the arm. When we were joking around, or if I was being teased, or if things just got uncomfortable I'd unleash a sling of sarcasm and a slug. So many of my friends did it that I didn't pause for a moment to consider that there was anything wrong with it.  

     Then DH came into the picture. Our relationship was going along, not engagement serious yet, but we were spending a lot of time together. One day I slugged him, he rubbed his arm, looked at me and said, "You know, that hurts." 

     "Oh, come on."

     "No, really."

     Pause. Wheels turn. A big tough man was telling me that my slugs hurt. I could take it two ways. Be happy that I made an impact, or stop because hurting anyone should be avoided. When we are hurt emotionally we have similar choices. 

     I had been hurt. People don't get through their teenage years without some measure of grief and heartache.  The way I chose to deal with pain was to cover it up, act tough, be tougher than the pain. It became my identity. I was a tomboy, dressed in holey jeans and t-shirts and had strictly sworn off pink. I ignorantly thought that I didn't need anybody or anything, despite the fact that I clung to some people very tightly. I didn't wear makeup, I said because I didn't want to, but honestly I might have if I had known how to use it or owned any. My clothes were baggy- to hide a developing body that I felt self-conscious about and because my clothes had to last more than one season. My art fit in well with the facade, the great mysterious artist with complicated and depressed emotions. 

     When DH and I had that conversation about hitting, it was a small pivot point in my life. Because of DH's feelings for me, I didn't shrug off his comment. His soft answer turned away my emotional wrath. I tried to stop slugging. So silly that I couldn't stop overnight, but it had become a habit, an instant reaction to certain situations - situations which made me uncomfortable. 

     I think when I stopped slugging I started to soften. DH's love softened me too. Instead of changing the conversational dynamic with a slug, I had to face what made me uncomfortable. Then I made choices about how to behave that were more in line with what my beliefs were. What Christ exemplified. As my soul has strengthened I have been braver about being soft. 

 

     We didn't hug or kiss much in my family growing up, but DH's family did. That took some getting used to. It's hard to keep up that tough girl facade when kissing people. 

     Somewhere along the line I started to dress differently too. It probably started when I got a job as a receptionist. I had to dress in a more respectable way than holey jeans and over sized t-shirts. Becoming a wife and mother probably had something to do with it too. It opened my eyes to the purpose of my body, and the amazing things that are accomplished with it. It made me want to look like a woman, a strong soft woman who cares for her body.

 

     My language changed too. Sarcasm is still a part of my repertoire, but it isn't as frequent or as harsh as it was in the past. C. S. Lewis has written that “if prolonged, the habit of flippancy builds up around a man the finest armour plating against [God] that I know. It is a thousand miles from joy; it deadens, instead of sharpening, the intellect; and it excites no affection between those who practise it.” (from here)

      I understand from numerous personal experiences that forgiveness is better than revenge or holding a grudge. 

     Sting once sang about the poor in spirit, the meek, inheriting the earth: "What good is a used up world and how could it be worth having?" Being meek is a tricky thing, because it can easily be confused with weakness. Being meek is an inner strength which allows us to be humble and soft on the outside while strong as steel on the inside, keeping our morals and values intact. 

     As my DH has exemplified to me many times, a soft answer does turn away wrath. Holding a child and softly whispering words of correction is more effective communication than loud harsh words. 

     Cleaning our home and making it comfortable brings softness into our family. A sweet place to lay my burdens down, and I hope it is the same for those I love. 

     Instead of fearing the next painful blow life has in store, which seems inevitable, I look forward with hope. There is more in the future to embrace than there is to fear. 

     A welcoming hug, handshake, or smile to my fellowman could be seen as softness in the head. But I welcome the opportunity, no matter how small, to soften the life of another.

  

     My heart and soul are soft and it is so much better that way.