lajendi

National Foster Care Month

     May is National Foster Care Month. So we're going to celebrate by moving our homestudy up to May 27th! That means we'll be fostering in about a month, how crazy is that!? Thankfully our wonderful friend has agreed to watch our kids so DH and I can have a little getaway before fostering begins. This is a big part of our plan to be successful - we have to be a well-functioning married team to handle the stress a foster child will bring. 

     Today was another foster parenting class for me. It went a full two hours because a mom in the class had major issues with the subject for today - discipline. Listening to her I counted my lucky stars that my kids respond well to discipline and that we already employ many of the recommended techniques. Charts to track goals and positive behavior are a one we don't use, but we do use other forms of positive reinforcement like allowance. When we have a foster child I may need to use charts just so no one gets lost in the shuffle. (They gave me a whole pack of charts that work for toddlers up to teens, tell me if you'd like a few and I'll email them to you.) 

     Discipline is a fine balance with any child. The goal is to teach the rules of productive living while at the same time building a loving relationship. The one doesn't preclude the other. That balance is even more important and delicate with a foster child who desperately needs proper discipline and love. Thankfully I won't be alone in trying to meet a foster child's needs, we have a great foster agency, friends, and church family. 

Learn a bit more about Foster Care through these links, it's changed in the last decade and might not be what you think it is:

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The National Foster Parent Association forum - maybe the question you have is being answered, or see what fosters are talking about. 

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On this site you'll find personal stories.

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This is another site with stories from foster children, foster parents, birth parents, and social workers. 

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Here's a foster/adoptive mother sharing the story of the woman who fostered her baby until the adoption was final.

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Foster parents of over 150 infants through 25 years - Amazing and Inspiring!

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I love the title of this fostering blog! - Peace, Love, Understanding, Can I get that to go?

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This one is good too - Noisy, Colorful, Lively

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And just in case you missed my previous posts - These are the two foster blogs I check daily. Fosterhood in NYC is for humor and Popp Life is for the spiritual. 

A Spring Sunday

     I've just come in from reading in the backyard as the light slowly disappeared. The lilac bush in the far corner of the yard spreads it's scent up to the patio and the bugs aren't yet out in full force. At bedtime the kids came out to kiss me goodnight, Baby even took her binki out to give me a proper kiss. I finished the last few chapters of a book that was good for distraction and leisure. It was a beautiful, peaceful evening to end a gorgeous spring Sunday. A day you don't want to end, as if you could hold onto  sun and the scent of lilacs. 

  

     The last week has been very full, active with underlying concerns. But I've been reluctant to write about my worries, not knowing what parts are mine to tell. 

    There's been potty training with Baby. I wanted to do it before fostering started. Although I realize that regression is a possibility if sharing mommy with a foster sibling is too traumatic. That's OK, as I told the social worker, we have a carpet cleaner. I'm taking potty training with a more relaxed attitude than before. I'm concerned about my peace of mind, and Baby's. It's comforting to be aware of my limits, while at the same time not frightened or self-conscious about them.  Baby is doing well, "tinkling" in the potty about once a day and still farting every time she attempts. Where all that gas comes from I don't know. 

    My little sister has had some changes in her life, job change, living situation change. I'm hopeful that it will all lead her to better things. That's how life has happened for me anyway - it's too scary to jump out of a sure thing into the unknown, so God takes away the sure thing so that we have no choice but to jump. Finding out that the new is better takes time and faith, but somehow it is better eventually. 

    My Daddy has a doctor appointment. I keep saying that's all it is and everything will be fine. 

    You know, I've lost very few close family members. My grandma died when I was just a baby. While I've missed not knowing her, I didn't feel the actual loss. When her husband, my grandpa died a few years ago it was sad, but right. His body was not a fitting shelter for his vibrant spirit any longer. My sister-in-law passed away very young, it was so hard to watch my brother loose her. I felt like I barely had time to know her. 

     A few weeks ago I asked my Mom the age of her parents. "Grandpa is 89!" she said. 'That's old', I thought,'people die in their 90s' and I took a slow, deep breath. That's how blessed I am, my family lives so long, I think the 90s are when people die. Not like anyone ever dies when they're younger. 

   Today I prayed for my Auntie Edith. She's been one of my most loyal blog readers. Even though she rarely comments, I know she's there keeping in touch from far away. A closer relationship with her has been one of my great blessings of blogging.

      She's in the hospital, was in the ICU. When I spoke to her today she was in the step down unit, meaning that she's getting better. We had a really wonderful talk, her description of feeling the prayers for her is a realization that I treasure. She told me how prayers that are offered are felt by the recipient and heard in the heavens. Although those we love pass through difficult things, the love and peace of God is a real comfort unlike any other. Thankfully many of those prayers are also being answered by her church family who have sat at her bedside, cared for her kitties and garden, and made her feel loved through service that I'm too distant to give. Her description of their service has inspired me to be more diligent in serving and praying for those in need where I am. 

     I prayed for my aunt to feel hopeful, to have the support she needs to heal. How surprised I was to be supported and taught of hope by her. She has a long recovery ahead, I am amazed by her fortitude, hope and testimony. 

    These are my 'out of reach' concerns. My family is so far away, I prefer not to realize the immensity of how far - I could never walk. Their problems are still real to me, tugging at my heart as I go about my day. The tears I couldn't stop in church today were for them. There is a tie with family, blood and sinew holding hearts and spirits together through the miles and the problems. I am far away but you are not far from my thoughts. 

The Good Camera Returns!

Finally the good camera has been repaired. It has been wonderful to take a few spring pics. Looking over my blog there haven't been as many pics the last 6 months, the demise of this camera was the reason. It's hard to be happy about taking photos when you know they could look so much better. So here I am happy about taking photos again!

 

      

  

     OK, I really don't like the layout of this post. I can't get Typepad to cooperate - the margins, spacing, etc. (Why am I paying for this?) Anyone help me with how to make a montage or mosaic of photos here? thanks :)

Free to be Sugar-free

     I am still avoiding sugar. Goin' strong for 10 days so far. Ok, I did slip a bit when I had a Hershey's kiss yesterday and a bite of Baby's cookie. But other than that I'm really doing this! 

     I have to admit the reason for the excitement is because this morning the scale said I've lost 4 lbs. That is not bad for 10 days of doing nothing out of the ordinary except avoiding sugar and sugar substitutes. I eat when I'm hungry and do my usual 3x a week workouts and gardening.

     There are a few things I've found that work as coping mechanisms to stay away from sugar. I still crave a bubbly flavored drink now and then. So I mix seltzer water with a half glass of fruit juice. Once I'd been off sugar a few days I didn't need intense sweetness, so this fit the bill. (Seriously, your taste buds adjust.) Drinking only water, occasionally "spiced up" with a slice of lime or lemon, wasn't cutting it for me. I'm not a big milk drinker either. An expensive seltzer/fruit juice drink at the Co-op gave me this idea. Why pay $1 a can when I can mix the two myself? 

     The other coping tool is gum. Yes, if you want to get technical it has sugar or a sugar substitute, but significantly less than even a piece of fruit. So when I felt the need to chew on some chocolate, I chose gum instead. 

     Even being off sugar for this short amount of time has illuminated some of my addictive behaviors. Or you can call them bad habits. I eat sugar to feel comfort. A better technique is to actually deal with what is bothering me by talking about it, writing, or cuddling with DH. I eat sugar or drink a soda to self-medicate instead of taking my headache meds. Guess which works better? Needing sleep is a frequent cause of my headaches, so taking a nap works too. 

    I also eat sugar when I'm too lazy to eat real food. This week has awakened my taste buds - I realize that real food tastes better than something that only tastes sweet. A piece of fruit is sweet and in addition has a range of other flavors. I had a few strawberries this week that seriously trumped any Hershey's kiss. And I can eat a whole bunch of those, never feeling a bit guilty, but actually feeling good about eating something great.

     These few days sugar-free are showing me the patterns in my life surrounding food that aren't healthy. Who knows what I'd find out if I went off TV for a week, or (heaven forbid) took a break from the computer. 

     The end of this little experiment is tomorrow after my doctor appointment. I have a party to attend and there's no way I'm sitting out the goodies! The thing I've missed the most is chocolate. I've got a hankerin' for a slice of peanut butter chocolate cake that my friend JoAnna makes. Maybe I'll buy a bag of Reeses cups to eat on the way to the party. My daughter asks if I'll gain the 4 lbs right back. Maybe ;)

Welcome Spring!

This is my article from the Co-op newsletter, thought you might like it. 

 

      Spring has announced its arrival with an early heat wave and bountiful blossoms hanging heavy from the trees. For those of us interested in eating local natural foods, spring brings the promise of the best our area has to offer. The early warm weather has us yearning for deep salads, colorful stir-fries, and bowls of berries. In this issue of the Food Co-op newsletter we’re making the best of spring. If you’re like me and can’t wait for the summer harvest there are other ways to have great produce right now.

        Be your own local producer - grow your own sprouts! It doesn’t take special equipment, any soil, or a degree in bioengineering! 

From this site: 

    Seeds sold for sprouting are dry and dormant. Soak the seeds for several hours to trigger an end to this dormancy. Rinse the seeds in a fine colander or sieve, and remove any debris or pebbles from the seeds. Drain the seeds thoroughly, and spread them into a sterile jar [washed in a dishwasher or hand washed and boiled in water] covered with cheesecloth or a commercial sprouter, which may resemble a series of stacked trays. Keep the sprouting unit in a cool place with good air circulation. Placing the sprouts in a pantry invites mold. Rinse and drain the sprouting seeds daily. In one to four days, depending on the variety, the sprouts are ready to harvest. Place them in a salad spinner to remove excess moisture, and store them in the refrigerator. Enjoy fresh sprouts within three days of harvest for best quality. 

     There are several great websites to take you through the process step by step:

 http://www.healingdaily.com/detoxification-diet/sprouts.htm

http://www.sprouting.com/homesprouting.htm  

      Another way to enjoy veggies before their traditional arrival date is hydroponics. There are several producers for the Co-op that have hydroponic offerings. Don’t be leery of this new-fangled method of growing vegetables. While it is new, this method is based on the best the earth has to offer. I first remember hearing about hydroponic vegetables being grown on the space shuttle. In hydroponics plants are grown in a minerally enriched water solution. They are a great choice for those who are mindful of their impact on the earth.

     Because hydroponics don’t use soil, there are no worries about damaging it. When hydroponic plants grow they are sheltered from the dangers that traditional plants are susceptible to. So they are not treated with pesticides and chemicals that leave a residue. Interestingly enough, hydroponic growing uses less water than traditional methods because the water is recirculated. 

     To learn more about hydroponics check out:

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydroponics

http://www.genhydro.com/genhydro_US/quicktips/OrganicHydroponicArticle.pdf

Nothing to say Today

    

 

Attachment

     Another foster class today. Two in three days is intense. Today the class was about attachment, why it doesn't happen, what a child is like who doesn't, and what you should do with them. 

      One of the women in the session had been a foster parent of teenage girls, then she adopted one of those girls. She gave a long speech about how dealing with RAD children is so difficult that foster parents should only take in babies. Another woman went on and on about how difficult her own kids are (she's adopting her neice that she's been caring for since day one.) she doesn't know how foster parents do it. The worker teaching the class did put in a plug for RAD children, saying that no matter how difficult they are we can't just ignore them. 

     The worker then went on to tell us that our county is cutting their Child Services department by 33% before December. That means they will be overloaded on top of overloaded. When caseworkers are overloaded they don't take check on foster kids and they are pressured to return children home too soon - when that happens children are sent home when safety isn't firmly in place. Because budget cut backs like this are taking place across the country, the number of children hurt or killed by their parents, family members, or foster parents will go up dramatically in the coming year. Sad but true, in this field the money pays for people that help. When the people that help are laid off, the problem continues and gets worse. 

      The solution? Pay careful attention to who you are voting for, they make decisions that effect children that could become sociopaths without proper attention in their formative years. Our own neglect will come back to haunt us as a country.

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     After all of this heavy information I walked through the rain to my car. I kissed DH goodbye and cried quietly in the shelter of my car. I cried for children who are so neglected that they don't know how to give or receive love. Then I prayed while I cried. I prayed for the strength, patience, and calm, for myself and others, to foster parent these children so that one day they will know the beauty of love. 

I'm a Jerk

Here's the story, I was a jerk today. In church. Doesn't that make it twice as bad? 

Our family was sitting in church while the sacrament was happening. When the older couple next to us began to talk. First it was a loud whisper, then it became a regular volume speaking - loud enough that I could hear what they were saying. I couldn't believe it. They just kept on going. So after a few minutes I leaned over and said, "Excuse me, could you be quiet please?" 

The smile left the woman's face and it was quiet. 

A few minutes later I tried to communicate no ill will by smiling at her. 

I felt like a complete clod. Yes, I was glad they were quiet, but was it worth the price of making the woman feel bad?

So throughout the meeting I planned my apology, hardly listening to the talks. I prepared myself for a good old fashioned lecture. 

At the closing "Amen" I leaned over, took the woman by the hand and said, "Sister, I'm sorry if I was offensive."

She smiled and squeezed my hand. 

I think it's OK, but I still feel like a jerk. In the moment I wanted them to be quiet to be a good example to my kids, so I could enjoy the sacrament, and to show respect to the Savior. Was it really any of my business to ask them to be quiet? 

Are We Messing Up a Good Thing?

     Life gets so busy that we can go more than a week without a quiet night with everyone home. We finally had a few nights like that and the weather has been beautiful too. It felt so right. There were still little bits of bickering, dishes still had to be done, diapers still were changed, life was going on and it felt like sunshine and spring breezes.  

     Towards the end of one of those nights I said to DH, "Sometimes I wonder why we want to mess this up by doing foster care." 

     He looked at me and smiled.

     "Not that I'm ready to back out or anything..."

     "I know what you mean."

     Of course we think these types of things, it's part of making a smart decision. Pros and cons and all of that. But when you feel you're supposed to do something the better question is, what will we miss if we don't do it?

     Our foster training class today went well. It was long, but in the end I wished for more time because it was great info. The instructor has been working in foster care management for 20 years. His enthusiasm is contagious and his real life experience was an amazing resource. He knows troubled kids, he knows how to help, and how people unintentionally put up roadblocks in helping children. 

     Two things I learned from the training that will help me be a better parent, not just a better foster parent, are to use more positive reinforcement (rewards) and how to manage a crisis situation. 

     DH and I have always tried to use positive reinforcement but I think I need to make a more conscious effort of rewarding with more than verbal praise. The instructor pointed out that negative consequences won't work if they aren't balanced out with positive consequences (more positive than negative). If all a child receives are punishments then their motivation fails and they won't try. We all, adults included, respond better to rewards. When was the last time you felt like going to work when you were told you wouldn't get a paycheck?

     The biggest key to managing a crisis situation is never letting it become a crisis situation. Know your child's warning signs and diffusing the situation before it hits the boiling point. There is one very specific thing that you shouldn't do while the actual crisis (ie. tantrum) is happening, and I've been doing it. When the instructor explained it, it made perfect sense - the child is unreasonable so trying to negotiate or give consequences is a fruitless effort. Especially negative consequences. Punishing a child who is in crisis mode is likely to extend the crisis and/or make it worse. I've been doing this. I can think of a few specific instances recently when I've tried to diffuse a tantrum by telling the child that I'm going to ground them or put them in time out if they don't stop. And of course they get more upset at the thought of being punished and it gets ugly. 

     So instead, the techniques I learned to deal with an in process crisis situation are to (very first though, make sure the child is safe - move harmful objects away, etc.)- 

     A.) Do something to distract the child from the tantrum. Sing a silly song, one woman suggested the Spongebob theme song. Your silliness will become more amusing than the tantrum, the child will relax and then you'll be able to calmly work through the situation. 

     B.) Let them tantrum out. Eventually the tantrum will end, don't force it. The child is unreasonable at this point so trying to punish, discuss, or lecture is fruitless. Speaking to them calmly, telling them that when they are done tantruming they can find you to work out a solution, was one suggestion.

     I appreciated that the Instructor also gave plenty of leeway for individual and family adaptation depending on needs. Creativity is also important. 

     So those are just two things I and my kids would have missed out on if I hadn't taken this course, which was the next step in fostering. Fostering is going to be good for everyone. We just cross our fingers that there'll be more good than bad ;)

A Triple

Today my goal was to write an essay for Humanities class, finish the Food Co-op newsletter, and rent a rototiller and till the garden. When I told DH my plans this morning, he snickered and said, "Oh, that's all?" 

Yes, it was ambitious. I wanted to be free of the mental burdens that those tasks had become. I wanted a free weekend. 

I did it. I only got 9/10 on my essay, one of the articles in the newsletter wasn't overhauled, the newsletter had no recipes, and the rototiller resulted in a little cursing and an extra trip to exchange a broken machine. By 8 pm it was done. My wrists hurt from holding that rototiller (not good for carpal tunnel), I'm tired, full of pizza because I didn't make dinner, and on my way to the shower. 

Here's to a relaxing weekend! -without sugar. Yes, I'm still on the wagon. Yesterday the kids ate the peanut butter squares and I went to the food co-op where they had a nice fruit juice seltzer to help with the soda cravings and lots of great produce. If I can make it through the first weekend sugar-free then the second week will be easier. Amanda was right, the first few days of something like this are the hardest. It's getting a bit easier now. 

Today another one of our background checks came back in the mail. Yesterday at DH's interview for foster care the worker encouraged us to move up our homestudy. She is super supportive, or they're short on foster parents, or both. She also said we don't need to have the bedroom reassignments done for the homestudy, meaning that we don't actually have to show them a bed. They really need fosters. She also got our recommendation letters back, everyone said they wrote good things about us. One person who talked to her on the phone said her response to his assessment was, 'You've just confirmed everything I've felt about them. They'll be good.' Did I say that they're really desperate for foster parents?

Next step for me is storing all the medications and poisons (cleaning products, drano, WD40, etc.) according to foster parenting rules. Tomorrow we have a three hour foster training about discipline and dealing with crisis. I'll keep my jokes about duct tape and rope to myself.