lajendi

Trying to be Perfect in an Imperfect World -Or- Why Going Off Sugar is Meaningless Torture

     After that title do I really need to write a post? That pretty much sums it up, but I'll elaborate and share my brand of crazy with you. Bear with me, in the end all this yammering will relate to sugar abstinence.

     First let's agree that we're not perfect. Nobody with their feet firmly on planted on earth at this moment has it all together. We're all individuals so what kind of imperfect we are varies. 

     As a mother, a woman trying to help her family, part of my job is to spot imperfection and put an end to it. Dirty pants? Wash em'. Crying Baby? Put her to bed. Overgrown Apple tree? Trim it. Seven year old whining for cookies? Feed it dinner. Mom the problem solver. 

     Moms get something out of being the "fixer"- Control. We decide what kind of dirty pants the child is wearing and how they'll be washed. We decide what sort of bedtime routine Baby will have and when. We decide if the apple tree is allowed to be tall, wide, or gone. We decide what the family will eat for dinner, how it is prepared, and when it will be. Moms are in the driver's seat. 

     Problem is, everyone's imperfect, the earth itself isn't even perfect. We're surrounded by stuff that needs fixing, stuff that needs cleaning, or people that need managing. There is an inexhaustible supply of messes. As a mom it's easy to focus on the messes, to get out our microscope and never put it away. "There's a problem - FIX IT!" the mother cries. This is the kind of craziness that leads a mom to go off sugar for two weeks. 

     This life is not just about fixing problems, although it is a part of what we're doing here. Working out our salvation. Trying to make everything right myself leaves out critical players - Christ and God. The plan is not for us to do everything perfectly and live our lives in harmony and peace - not possible. But that is what most mothers are striving for! Which is why mothers are often overwhelmed and depressed about their jobs - the goal they set is impossible. 

       I struggle with the line between my personal responsibility and the grace of God. When the scriptures say that we are saved after all we can do, what exactly is all I can do? There is a story from my high school days which gives a little too much insight into why this is an issue for me. (I'm going out on a huge limb here, so be gentle with me.)

     My senior year of high school I was invited to participate in the Homecoming Queen Pageant. This was not my thing, but I wanted the scholarship money so I was talked into it. Once I threw my hat in the ring I went after it (while still pretending to be non-nonchalant about it)- had a dress made (nothing with shiny fabric or sequins), made a slideshow of my artwork and set it to music, and even put on some makeup. 

    In preparing for the pageant I was advised to talk about my artwork in addition to showing it. I didn't want to, it was too personal, too hard to put into words. It wasn't just a scapegoat though, I had seen my art mean different things to different people and I didn't want to tell anyone what they should be seeing or feeling.  So I stuck with pictures and music. 

     The day of the pageant comes and all goes well, until my slideshow - the music wasn't cued properly so it didn't start until halfway through the slideshow. At that point there wasn't anything I could do, so I kept going. I did not win the pageant, but several of the judges told me that they wondered why the music started where it did and that my scores were high enough that I could have won if I had talked about my art. They probably thought they were putting salve on my wounds, when really it felt like they were insensitively probing a fresh wound. I had tried something new and failed. Then I was told if I had just done more I could have been successful. 

     In that situation I made a judgment call about what was enough and I was wrong. Hello - here we are almost 20 years later and I'm still trying to figure out what is enough and erring on the side of too much.

      Now's the part where I tie together these threads of perfectionism, trusting God, the Homecoming Pageant, and sugar deprivation. 

     Sugar is everywhere. Try going off of it for one day, just a day, and see what I mean. It is everywhere and in everything. Soda billboards by the library, leftover peanut butter squares (like I used to have in elementary school, with the layer of chocolate) from the kid's activity, hershey kisses in the freezer, granola bars, vitamin water, lunch specials, family bonding time, after school snacks, EVERYWHERE! Not eating sugar takes near-constant vigilence and it's making me crazy and grumpy. I am not feeling any physical benefits. 

     Obviously stepping away from perfectionism is a problem for me, yet I still choose a very perfectionist goal. Know the biggest reason I decided to do this? (and I haven't even told DH this yet) I have a doctor appointment in two weeks and I don't want to see the scale numbers higher than they were last time. I want to please the doctor so he won't give me a lecture about diet and exercise. I know all about diet and exercise, I exercise regularly. It's the food that's so hard for me. I don't want to be called out for not doing enough. The cry for "MORE" when I'm already doing all I can makes me crying crazy. 

    To get over these issues it is clear that I must begin consuming sugar again ;) There is a peanut butter square calling my name. Should I answer?

Fostering to Change

     We're slowly telling more people about our journey to fostering. It is amazing to me - many people I have told said that they've also thought about fostering. It warms my heart to have so much support, to have people understand why we're changing our lives. 

    The largest reason people say they are hesitant to jump into fostering is that they are afraid of their heart breaking when the child leaves. 

     It is a concern for me, and one I have for my children. 

      When we cared for four children in an emergency foster situation my heart became entangled in their lives. Though they stayed in our home for just a few days, I knew them before that, and continued to be a support after they left - until their new foster mom cut off all contact. Because of HIPA laws the social worker couldn't share details once the children were no longer with us. Eventually I heard that they were returned home. That is all I know about those children whose lives left a permanent imprint on my heart. 

     I cried. I kept a lot to myself because it was too messy to explain. DH was a great support but mostly it took time. After the pain eased a bit I realized something. God put me in the children's lives, I was there in the moment something had to happen to protect them. It took humility and trust in God to realize that he could put others into their lives in the same way. I didn't have to be the one to save them, God was saving them in his own way with good people throughout the community. 

     A foster podcast I listen to gave another good insight into dealing with children leaving foster homes, leaving heartbreak in their wake. To sum it up simply - they say it's worth the pain. Doesn't every child deserve to have someone care about them so much that they cry over them? Especially children who are in such dire straits. Whether someone decides to foster or not, children are still in pain and need. It is a truly service because in the end you could be left with nothing but memories and empty arms.

    Because I'm worried about what my kids will go through when they lose a foster sibling I have an idea that I hope will help. In the beginning of our foster experience we'll be doing respite care. This is caring for a foster child while their long term foster parents get a break. These visits can be as short as a day or as long as two weeks. My hope is that in doing respite care my children will come to understand in a real way that foster children go home. If we were to start out fostering with a long term placement (up to 18 months) it would be extremely hard to understand. I guess in a way it is toughening them up. In some situations I've heard that kids are happy to have foster kids go home so they can get more of their parent's attention. 

    If you're interested in fostering look into foster agencies in your area. Just calling for information won't put you on a target list. Foster agencies are very friendly and understanding if you inquire but never pursue it. I found our agency on the internet, their stats were impressive and when we met them and saw where their office was it all fell into place. 

    To end this post I want to share a song I heard for the first time today-

Not Even Trying

     I've half-heartedly been trying to potty train Baby. This time around I don't want the power struggle so we're taking it at her pace. She knows all the mechanics, she even willingly washes her hands. The problem is that she only farts when she sits on the potty. Until yesterday. 

     DH and I had a foster class in the afternoon so I took Baby to a friend's house for babysitting. When I dropped her off I took her into the bathroom to do a quick diaper change before I left. While in there Baby wanted to use the potty, I said sure. SHE ACTUALLY TINKLED! It was very exciting! While my friend, her mom, and I were whooping it up and praising Baby she just looked at us like it was no big deal.

    The thing I'm amazed at is that she went when we weren't even trying. I hadn't asked if she needed to go, no recent potty talks, nothing. It just happened. I think that happens in my life as a mother more often than I'd like to admit. I can push to try and make things happen, stressing everyone in the process, but it just happens when it happens. There's no pushing the timetable.  

   The follow-up is that today nothing was produced on the potty. Instead she farted in my face when I changed her poopy diaper. 

    Being a mom is so glamorous. 

Addicted to Sugar

"We are in this life for the spirit to gain control over the body rather than the other way around. Any kind of addiction inflicts a terrible price in pain and suffering, and it can even affect us spiritually. However, there is hope because most addictions can over time be overcome. We can change, but it will be difficult."  -James E. Faust

     He says any kind of addiction. Thinking about the connection between our spirit and body, which makes a soul, I know that there are many things in my life that effect my body and spirit negatively in a similar way. 

      Eight years ago I began to exercise. I had never exercised for the purpose of exercising of my own free will before then. (I'd move to be social, have fun, or because the weather beckoned.) Before that time I was taking anti-depressants. It wasn't an exact correlation, I didn't start exercising and walk in the door and exclaim that my meds were going in the trash. It just happened and it wasn't until recently in looking back that I made the connection. 

     Physical activity keeps my brain firing, my spirit light, and my body functional. It could be about dopamine or getting more blood to my brain and body, I don't know for sure. But I do know it works. It works so well that if I feel horrid when I wake up in the morning it's a sure sign that it's a workout day. I might still feel horrid as I step onto the treadmill, but 35 minutes later I'll feel much better. Barring real illness, it happens every time. Even when my knees burned and I thought my hips were being held together with scotch tape, I kept exercising because it felt good to my spirit and most of my body. 

     I know that the spirit(mind)-body connection is real. When my body felt better I progressed in spiritual things as well. I was more patient and had the physical capacity to serve others. My productivity went up. I felt more adventurous because I was in tune with my body. Oh, and losing a few pounds was great too. 

     You might have noticed that recently I've jokingly mentioned being addicted to sugar. Now when I say that I realize that "addicted" is really a poor word choice. I'm not addicted to sugar like meth addicts are addicted. There are, however, some similarities. 

     Sugar effects my body. Sugar substitutes do too. So does caffeine. I know sugar effects me because of how much I want it after each meal. I want it in the afternoon when Baby's gone down for her nap and I have a chance to relax. I want it in my drinks, I want it when I go out. When I don't want to give in to my sugar craving I have something with artificial sweetener. That is not good for me - headaches begin their rampage. Caffeine, well caffeine hypes me up and crashes me back down worse than sugar ever does. It also adds to those headaches and starts a daily craving/headache cycle that is difficult to stop.

      So after joking about it for a while, now I'm getting serious about being healthy so I can feel my best. I've decided to back away from sugar for two weeks. It's not that I'm "off sugar", I'm still eating fruits and carbohydrates that some see as types of sugars. I'm off added sugar. No soda, not even diet, it's horrid for my body and is another aspect of the sugar addition with the added caffeine addiction. This also means I won't  have chocolate for 14 days. I have eaten some amount of chocolate everyday for at least the last month (OK, really more like 3, I keep a chocolate chip stash in the freezer).  

     What I won't do is limit how much I eat or be overly concerned with fat. It would be too overwhelming to dissect my food that much and I would give up. Besides, how many things can you think of with horrible amounts of fat that don't also include sugar?Even movie theater popcorn is no good without a soda. 

     What will I have? Nuts and dried blueberries, broccoli, asparagus, ham, bagel chips, apples, oranges, water with lemon or lime, cereal with low sugar, fish, tomatoes, grilled pizza, swiss chard, juice (limit to a glass a day), pretzels, carrot sticks, Cheetos, pineapple, strawberries, grapes, prunes (yes, I actually like them), steak, baked potato, sweet potato fries, Chinese food (not sweet and sour), salad, and more. 

    A few things pushed me to try this- A friend's older mother was at a birthday party and she said no thank you to the cake. In asking her why she said that certain foods make her stomach upset, then she can't sleep and it all goes downhill from there. Hhhhmmmm...

     I also read about food, the history of our diets. Sugar didn't exist in the human diet until the last 150 years or so - none. Hhhhmmmm..... 

     There was a chart in National Geographic showing soda consumption by country, the US is number one by a large margin. Hhhhmmmm... 

     And I can never decide what type of soda to have. Do I choose to be afflicted by sugar, sugar sweetener, or caffeine today? So I'll have water. 

     I hope by the end of these two weeks the way I feel will convince me to eat sweets less often. This should also break the addiction cycle. Even when it's over I need to watch myself carefully or I'll slip back into the sugar trap. 

    I did think about going off sugar long term, and quickly came to my senses. It is hard to resist and everywhere. That could tell me something about it's addictive qualities. Really, the thought of going off of it for the rest of my life is enough to make me cry. You've got to have something to live for!

Ad from Women's Day 1971

 

Around and About

     Took the kids to see Alice In Wonderland - it was great! A real heroine movie with a Jabberwocky, what's not to like? (I happily remembered my Dad quoting the Jabberwocky often during my childhood.) Think six impossible things before breakfast! We all agreed that without the costumes and art it wouldn't have thrilled us as much. There are great ideas in there for a birthday party (those ideas are for younger kids, but I'm thinking about R's 16th birthday that is 9 months away! The drinks in little bottles with "Drink Me" tags, little petit fours with "Eat Me" written on them, playing chess and cards, funky tea party with broken and mismatched dishes, and a vial of Jabberwocky blood attached to a silk cord as the party favor. ) and Halloween costumes - not the cheesy, real dressing up!

     After all the fantastical things in Alice it seems right to make paper flowers  - click all the way through Martha's list, there are roses and peonies and poppies and apple/cherry blossoms. (While we're on the subject, Martha continues to bug me - several of these crafts I saw years ago on other blogs. So that's what crafters get if they're nice enough to offer a free tutorial - poached by Big Sister Martha.) The cherry blossoms remind me of our tree outside. The blossoms go so quickly, making a branch like this would remind me of spring. (I'll leave the birds off, I'd have Alfred Hitchcock type nightmares otherwise).

 

     Rach and I went to a consignment store. I had to explain what a consignment store is to her to get her to go, "It's second-hand clothes, but better than Goodwill. Macy's clothes on a Goodwill budget." It wasn't a teen store, and she's a picky girl, and she still found a shirt and a necklace. I found a dress (I haven't bought a dress in years, they either don't fit, aren't modest, or are matronly), a beautiful green blouse that happens to be silk (silk scares me, I'll ruin it just as sure as I shrunk that cashmere sweater), a necklace, earrings, and another brooch for my purse. Brooches are lovely, especially when they're $5, but I feel weird wearing them on anything but a coat. So I've got two on my purse, a bee and now a butterfly. 

    Then Rach and I went to a used bookstore that recently opened near the consignment store. It felt like the clouds parting and the sun shined down upon us - hardcover of Eldest, Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, Cat's Eye, The Bell Jar, and The Friday Night Knitting Club all for $25 bucks! Owning books gives me a special thrill, mine mine mine!

     These things a personal trainer learned over 20 years made me think. Funny thing is he went against several things he posted - he's selling things and he has a book and a blog. I guess he didn't see the irony there. Is it also irony that I keep reading how bad sugar is for me and I continue to consume it in vast quantities? What might work better in my body if I could step away from the sugar bowl and soda machine?

     Not wanting to end on something as sad as giving up sugar, I'll tell you about lunch. DH and I went to a local farmer's market (the same one I visited with my parents when they visited). It was bustling and loud today, the epitome of Eastern US culture. We decided to eat at the Mediterranean restaurant, I had a chicken swarma wrap and DH had a Gyro - yummy! It was hard to choose where to eat though, there was a southern food booth, a pizza booth, a pretzal booth, many bakeries, several sandwich shops, a salad booth, a seafood booth, a candy booth, a bagel booth, a comfort food booth, and on and on. We could eat there everyday for a month and not tire of it.   

Orthodox

The last few days have been very busy (I've made a new commitment to working more on schoolwork), I haven't had the time to sit down and write but I have been thinking about what I would post. Here's the accumulation of my thoughts on a topic I've been thinking about the last few days-

     I've been listening to a segment from NPR's Fresh Air called Making Room for the Sabbath, about a book by Judith Shulevitz. It is about a book written by a Jewish woman who decided to start living an aspect of her religion, the Sabbath; which for Jews is on Saturday. The way Orthodox Jews observe the Sabbath is very strict, even in comparison to my own conservative religious practices. She had some neat thoughts about the benefits of Sabbath observance and it's history.

 

     Years ago I read a book about an Orthodox Jewish community, it was specifically about the women in that community, The Ladies Auxiliary by Tova Mirvis. When we discussed it at bookgroup we had the largest turnout ever, and a great discussion because as Mormon women we found so much in common with the Orthodox Jewish women. Not necessarily because our religious practices are similar, but because the struggles we have in living our religion are similar. 

 

     An interesting aspect of the NPR interview is the author's observation that in an orthodox community you are never exactly in agreement with your fellow members of the orthodoxy. The world at large believes this when they view the group from the outside, that everyone agrees and practices the religion the same. In reality in a group that is united by ideas and behaviors there are people who are more strict in belief and observance than you and those more lax in observance and belief.  This is a complicating factor, and especially so when the members of the group believe that this disparity shouldn't exist (keeping up with the Joneses religious style or picking at and laughing at the devout). 

     As you can tell, the author's comment really got me thinking. She abruptly regained my attention when she said she has difficulty praying. The interviewer prodded her on this issue and the author admitted that she doesn't believe in God. 

     So let's get this straight - This author is identifying herself as an Orthodox Jew (versus "Jew" because that can be a religious affiliation or an ethnicity), has written a book about religious worship, but she doesn't believe in God. In my eyes a belief in God goes along with the Orthodox "I'm a practicing Jew" label. 

     Interestingly enough there is a parallel to this in my religion too. When I went to high school they were called "Jack Mormons". They went to church, performed the duties asked of them, wore the right clothes, went to seminary, and then they violated many of the basic tenets of our religion on a regular basis. In that situation it was a bit different because there was a parental expectation that many Jack Mormons were trying to meet while at the same time making personal choices that were contrary to their parents' ideals.

     There is now an adult version of Jack Mormons, they call themselves Cultural Mormons (the Jack Mormons grew up). They attend Mormon meetings and events, dress appropriately, teach their children morals, but they don't believe the doctrine. 

   The largest reason this bothers me is that in the Mormon Church everyone contributes their services to the work. Sometimes that's coordinating basketball games, for which no belief in doctrine is necessarily required. But most of the work that needs to be done is teaching. It would make me very upset to find out that a Cultural Mormon was teaching my children in Sunday School. The phrase 'a wolf in sheep's clothing' comes to mind. Not that every teacher has a strong conviction of every aspect of the doctrine, it takes time to understand and come to that spiritual confirmation. This is different, this is giving up entirely and being just fine with living something that you don't believe in. 

     Thankfully, where we live in the Northeast US living the LDS religion is difficult and there isn't much to be gained culturally by being a Mormon. I think the places where Mormons are more prevalent and hold large sway in their communities Cultural Mormons are more common. 

Yet another distinction - not Reorganized LDS, not Cultural LDS, not New and Improved Polygamous LDS.  This world is a complicated place, you can't take anything at face value. 

What Do Children Need?

These links all tell a story about children, a sad one. 

Adopted boy is difficult.

Adoptive mom who can't 'handle it'.

Could this be the answer?

Mr Rogers, LDS Fostering, and Onward!

     Mr. Rogers was such a especially amazing man, in a quiet way. I wonder if it was, in part, because he was a foster brother?

     I finally found an LDS foster family on the net! Since the LDS faith is so focused on families, on the value of each individual child of God, I have been a little surprised to find so few LDS foster parents. I think there may be such a focus on forever families and adoption that some religious people don't ever consider fostering because it's uncertain and messy.  This is one of their great posts that you should read.

     My interview went very well today. At the end our worker said that she sees no reason why we won't be approved. The homestudy is scheduled for June 3rd, and about a week after that we'll be able to take a placement. This is sure to be one crazy summer!

    For the summer we've chosen to do respite care - it is what it sounds like, it gives foster parents a break for a weekend, week, maybe up to 2 weeks, while we care for their foster child. We feel that with all the things we have happening this summer it isn't fair to a foster child to have so much change right after being placed with us. After youth conference, family vacation, and girls camp are over we'll have a more consistent atmosphere for a troubled child to settle into. In between those activities we'll still be able to help children and can support other foster families. 

    Today I asked for advice about how to tell our church congregation and neighbors about our fostering. With HIPAA laws it is a sensitive subject. I can't reveal details of a child's case, and frankly I don't even want those questions asked in front of the child. So it would be lovely if we can tackle all the awkward and insensitive questions before we have a foster child standing right next to us. (Not that any of you would do that!). It is the time to tell the world that we're going to be foster parents. 

     How exactly should I do this? I could call a few gossipy people and drop the bomb and see how long it takes, but I'd prefer a more tactful and teaching kind of approach. There are a lot of misconceptions out there that I'd like to tackle. Maybe we'll ask the bishop's advice, or I could get up in testimony meeting and spill it. 

     Telling people in the course of a conversation seems weird:

"How are you doing Jen?"

"We're going to be foster parents!"

"Oh... that's interesting.... ...."

-Or-

"How are your kids doing?"

"They're wondering when we'll get our first foster placement. J would love to have another boy in the house. A newborn would be neat, but since I'm already getting up at 5 am it could be difficult. ... Hey! Where are you going?!"

...............

     I think about how I might respond if someone told me they were going to be foster parents. It would be a shock for a minute or two but then I'd have a ton of questions. 

I wonder how my neighbors will feel? At least one, who is one of our references, is thrilled and eventually wants to foster too. 

Then there's always a chance of something falling through at the last minute and we won't be approved. That would be awkward. Then again this isn't about making us feel comfortable. 

Background Checks and "First Aid"

     Last week DH and I attended a First Aid and CPR class as part of the requirements for becoming a foster parent. I've had plenty of first aid training over the years and have gotten friendly with a few Annie dolls. So going into this class we thought we knew what to expect. We were laughably wrong. 

 

     The class consisted of watching a video about CPR, then the "instructor" asked if we had any questions. Nope. Next video about first aid. Any questions? Nope. She read over the handouts with us, recommended a local resource for car seats and sent us on our way.  

     It was nice to have such an easy time of it, but it did leave me grateful that I'd had time with Annie before. What if I actually need to use first aid or CPR? Obviously if I really felt lost I could have asked for more help. No harm no foul, hopefully. 

     Another molehill we're trying to summit in our quest for fosterhood are the background checks. There are several of them because we've moved around, and they all cost money. Then we have to be fingerprinted and have an FBI child abuse history check. Thankfully the days of going down to the local police station to be fingerprinted with ink are over. We went to a local shipping/packaging store and they scanned our fingerprints into the computer. Easy peasy. There are two more background checks to send off and they need money orders and I haven't found the time to do that yet. 

     We also filled out a budget form, showing that our financial demands are not greater than our resources. On paper I am sickened by our debt, but happy that we have money left over at the end of the month. On paper anyway. 

     Tomorrow I go in for my one on one interview, DH's is next week and we have foster parenting classes every week for the next 6 weeks as well. The way things are looking we'll be fostering by summer. Guess what? Summer isn't that far away. This morning I've had cold feet a bit, nervous about what I can handle (I know, stop second guessing it already!) Thankfully DH got me back on track by showing me this comment on an LDS blog:

from a young kid during a testimony:

"I've never really had a home. I've been in foster care most of my life, and no family has ever really wanted me." 

It was even more jolting given the fact that the boy couldn't have been more than 12 years old but was incredibly mature in how he spoke and handled himself. I'm beyond grateful that the boy who bore his testimony didn't end it with that, but rather with this: 

"I just want to tell my new family that I love them, and that I'm grateful that they love me. It is a great feeling to know someone loves you. I'm so happy to have a home, a family, a mom and dad, and that they bring me to church."

Weak

 

     Fasting is a contradiction for me. Obviously going without food is difficult, this seems to be one of the purposes in fasting - doing something that is difficult in obedience and for a purpose. On the other hand, we are told not to fast if it will endanger our bodies, breastfeeding/pregnancy, diabetes, etc. 

     So my question is, what if I feel so horrible when I fast that I can't function? At some point during my fast, usually late afternoon, I begin to get a migraine headache, dizzy, and faint. At this point I'm determined to see through an entire 24 hour fast but I'm feeling horridly, just wanting to go to bed and die, so instead I eat. I feel better and then am able to make dinner for everyone. Am I sinning because I physically cannot go a full 24 hours without food or water? 

     Ironically, during my fast I picked up the book, Weakness Is Not Sin,  by Wendy Ulrich. I've been slowly working through this book, taking the time to ponder each chapter for a while before I move on to the next. Today I read this, 

"It seems sometimes that so much of life is about finding the fine lines between laziness and moderation, between sin and weakness, between Spirit and our own thoughts, between confidence and pride, between humility and humiliation. But at least it is a start to know that there is in fact a difference and that the difference is worth exploring."

     These are thoughts that I've thought about often in my life, knowing where to draw the line between extremes. 

 

      In one of the areas mentioned in that quote I have a little experience and think I've come to understand more than I did in the past-  'between the Spirit and our own thoughts'. There have been times in my life that I yearned to feel the Spirit more strongly, to be led, to gain the kind of confidence that can only come through intimate association with the Holy Ghost. Through the years I feel that I have developed a relationship with the Spirit (nothing extraordinary, this is available to everyone) through acting on the promptings I've received. 

     When I receive what I think is a prompting and act on it, I enjoy the fruits of the Spirit. When I am at peace and understand that the promptings of the Spirit are always in harmony with the gospel, I can determine if the feelings and impressions I have are just my own thoughts or are something more. It is something that is probably different for every person, developing this fine tuned repertoire with the Holy Ghost. I'm not perfect at it, but because I've worked on it daily through many years it is something I can depend on, and do. 

     Developing this blessing in my life took time and was gained through experience. Which is one of the reasons I am here - to learn. This life is not just for us to prove to God that we will be obedient, it's not only about sin, or the lack of it. Life is also about the experiences we have, the grey areas between extremes. Labeling the grey areas as black or white blinds us to reality, how things really are. It disables our learning. 

     So back to my weak version of fasting... I wouldn't say I'm sinning by eating 2 hours early when I know the Lord asks me to fast longer than that. My mortally imperfect body is just too weak to do it. On the other hand I can do things to enable a fast, not just throw up my hands and eat all day. I could be sure to take my vitamins and drink plenty of water the day before fasting, and eat healthy meals to 'bank' nutrients my body will need the next day. If I try those things and they don't work there are other things I could do. I could fast from food but not water. I could fast from eating certain kinds of foods. I had a friend who would fast from eating sweets when she was pregnant and couldn't participate in a full fast. The important thing is not the black or white observance of God's request to fast, but the ways in which I strive for obedience or go to him to humbly asking for mercy because I'm too weak to accomplish it on my own.

      I think this is part of what is meant when we are told that God won't give us anything we can't handle - not because we are that strong, but because there is always mercy, God makes up the difference. We may be asked to make a dinner for 50 people and then burn it. It's not that God asked us to do something we couldn't handle, it's that through his mercy burning the food doesn't matter - it is not a sin. 

     Trying to understand these issues of sin and weakness are important to me because I think I waste too much time worrying about my weaknesses when I could be overcoming sin and serving others. Guilt is a debilitating force and all too often the guilt that overwhelms me is concerning a weakness, not a sin. How sad to debilitate ourselves with a sense of sin and failure when that is not reality. 

"Please don’t nag yourself with thoughts of failure. Do not set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. Simply do what you can do, in the best way you know, and the Lord will accept of your effort." President Gordon B. Hinckley