lajendi

Parental Departure

     My parents flew back to Utah today (and boy are their arms tired! Sorry, had to say it.) The ILs went back on Tuesday. It is a weird thing to have family visit, we still have things that need to be done - diaper changes, getting up at 5 am for seminary, grocery shopping, laundry, etc.-  but we were on an altered/vacation sort of mode. 

 

     Last night my parents watched the kids so that DH and I could go to a retirement party for one of his co-workers. We had a few quiet minutes to talk and of course the subject of our parents came up. I told him that while interacting with our parents the last few days and seeing how different they are I'm kind of amazed that our marriage has worked out so well. (FOR THE RECORD: Everyone was lovely, there was no hair pulling, or fist fights. People are just different, not wrong or right, good or bad, but different.) 

     When DH and I got married I had only been away from home one year. Looking back on that 19 year old (yikes!) girl I see her as very much a product of her home environment. I think that's what most parents think will happen. That's why we try to be good parents, we believe that we have a huge impact on our children. 

     In the .2 seconds between the time I asked that question and DH answered me, he came up with a perfect answer- "I married you for who you are, you. Not the product of your environment, but who you are as an individual." His answer allows me to be me, allows my parents to be who they are, and his parents to be who they are, without guilt, judgment, or implied black and white labels. 

     What I said about parents before probably isn't true. As parents we don't believe that children are simply a product of their home environment - we hope and pray that our children will ignore our faults and take the best things we have to offer and move forward into their futures equipped with something valuable. 

John, Karla, Gary and Chris - Thank you for everything. 

CPR and Swimming

     A few days ago (maybe a week) I posted about our lives being a house of cards. This week things have been shaken and turned around as the kids were out of school and family visited. I had to change my workout schedule, fitting in exercise when I could find a few minutes. Some meals have been afterthoughts while others are major productions (Easter). We've spent a whole day at home (watching conference), and we've spent most of a day away (Valley Forge). With all of this I sit here thinking about what is upcoming in my life. I have tender feelings with a strength behind them, making me feel that no matter what happens to my house of cards, other things are more certain.

     One of those certain things is my ability to choose. Despite horrid things that may happen - earthquakes, floods, termites- I choose what to do in those situations. I have no more control over my daily life than I do those other large horrific scenarios, yet I still carry on each day without cowering in the corner (only for a few minutes anyway). I have power, not because I can control things, but because I control myself. 

     Making informed choices based on truth and self-control leads to capability. That capability, the ability to make things happen, is a kind of power. Let me give an example - Tonight DH and I watched a CPR video for foster parenting certification. If I were to be in a situation where a child needed CPR I could administer it because I've learned true things about how to help someone who is not breathing and I would make that choice to help despite any initial discomfort about germs or saliva. In that very specific and dramatic situation I would have power, power to sustain or revive life. 

     Now I'm not saying that makes me god and I'm so great. What I am saying is that yes, there is a lot out of my control (like the need for a child to be resuscitated in the first place), but there is also a lot within my control if I make use of it. If I train my body to submit to my mind (blow into this child's mouth, now gently press on their chest) then my mind and body are prepared to work together to accomplish other things that may initially be uncomfortable, like performing CPR. It applies to loosing weight(not easy, but doable), not yelling at my kids (not easy, still trying), or building a strong marriage (not easy, so worth it). Call this self-reliance, self-control, self-mastery, all the labels apply. 

      The truth is a large factor here. Having the self-discipline to clean out the garage means nothing if I mistakenly believe that moving all the junk to the other side makes the garage clean. I have to know that cleaning is more than that, the "truth" about what makes something clean. Just like I have to know actual CPR to keep a dying person alive, not just poke and prod at them. 

     I hope I haven't lost anyone (it is the end of a long day and I'm probably rambling and not coherent). Most people would agree with my ideas about our abilities to control our lives at some level. We have power to choose and to act. The piece that is sometimes missing is how that relates with what God does. 

     It is tempting to use our power to control too much in our lives. If we want to keep our lives on an even keel, nothing changing, even and controlled, steady as she goes, don't rock the boat, don't topple my house of cards - we could probably do that, and we often try. I don't think that that is necessarily what God wants. He doesn't just rock the boat, he pushes us out of it. Our lives are not about control. I'm saying that again because it is so very important - The purpose of our lives is not to control. We can control ourselves, and that is a part of success and happiness, but not an end in itself.

     Getting back into the boat every time God pushes us out of it is not productive. At some point we might want to just swim and find out why God keeps pushing us out. 

     This was all a very long way for me to say that I trust God. Yes, he's pushed me out of the boat several times. It's my guess that being a foster parent is going to be like getting pushed out of an 8-story cruise ship. I trust him, if he wants me to swim,  he'll help me. If I'm swimming it's because he's given me opportunities to learn to swim before and I took advantage of them. It's that initial push off the deck into the water I'm worried about. Really, I'm looking forward to a good swim with hope and optimism. It's a good thing I know CPR though, I might need to perform it on myself.  

       Tell me you'll be there with a life preserver when I need it.  

Valley Forge

Today's outing with the Grandparents was to Valley Forge. (Did I mention they were visiting?) The weather was beautiful and we had an enjoyable time. 

Being the tour bus driver, I didn't have many opportunities to take photos. At Washington Memorial Chapel I couldn't resist handing Baby off to DH so I could take a few and enjoy the grounds. It is a gorgeous gem. Although, I did read in the pamphlet later that George Washington never set foot in the place, it's only 106 years old. So I felt a little misled, but it is a magnificent tribute none the less. 

 

R and A walking by the church
  
 

 

As we walked in I was overwhelmed by the smell of flowers. I thought it might have been incense, but as I walked towards the pulpit I saw that it was surrounded by potted flowers, mostly Easter lilies. I had a 'duh' moment when I realized that the chapel was full of Easter worshipers 24 hours before. 

   

Worshipers, that's a funny word when you break it down. I wonder if it is related to a Christian fact I read about in Humanities class. In the early days of Christianity churches were built in a specific way. There was an atrium or courtyard where the worshipers washed themselves before entering the main area of the church, or nave. The nave is where all those listening to the sermon would sit. My textbook said this area was compared to the hold of a ship. Believers felt they were traveling through life in this ship together and they would all, together, reach their ultimate destination - heaven, which was symbolized by another area of the church building.

If you think about the way rows of benches are aligned in a chapel it does remind you of the rows of benches in the cargo hold of old ships. I thought of it today while viewing this beautiful church today, with the benches neatly aligned.

(sorry, not a great photo) 

 Another interesting tidbit, the anchor was used as a symbol of hope. The sense I make of that is that Christ is the anchor of the ship, the church, and because of him believers have hope. It was neat to see these symbols today,  in a church built 2000 years after they were first introduced by Christian worshipers. 

there was an anchor on a ceiling medallion in the cloisters that is similar to this one 

This statue of a woman kneeling with a lit lamp reminded me of the parable of the ten virgins. 

 

A in the cloisters

 

J under the Magnolia tree
 
 

Happy Easter

     Easter is the wonderful exclamation of spring. The daffodils and forsynthia are such bright reflections of this hopeful season, with Easter to remind me of the ultimate renewal available to us all. 

 

     I've been thinking about how most of the first flowers of spring are yellow. It reminds me that days with more sun, more warmth, are coming. The dark cold days of winter are over and the days of growth and plenty are ahead. These beautiful natural signs are reflections of Christ's resurrection and the ultimate glory he makes possible for us all. 

     Christ gives us an eternal spring in the renewal of our bodies after death - Resurrection. I believe in a very literal resurrection, "The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul, yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body, yea, even a hair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame. " Alma 40:23 

      I love thinking about Christ's literal resurrection, that he is able to minister to all of us because of the first resurrection, his resurrection. It is an obvious sign that his power over death and sin is real. Think of all the people who were blessed to see him after his resurrection, over 500, that bore witness of the reality of a complete physical resurrection. 

     As grand as the resurrection is, it is only a portion of what he has made possible for us. Saving us from sin is his ultimate goal, and without it resurrection would mean nothing. Actually it would mean eternal torment, and we would not look forward to that kind of resurrection. I look forward to the resurrection not only because I will live forever, but because I will live forever in happiness with God and my family. 

     On one of the occasions that the Pharisees tried to condemn Jesus' works, they questioned his ability to forgive sins. 

"And behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus seeing their faith said unto the sick of the palsy; Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee. 

And behold, certain of the scribes said within themselves, This man blasphemeth. 

And Jesus knowing their thoughts said, Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts? 

For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise and walk? 

But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (then said he to the sick of the palsy,) Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house. 

And he arose, and departed to his house. 

But when the multitudes saw it, they marvelled, and glorified God, which had given such power unto men." Matthew 9:1-8

     The condemning scribes were willing to believe that Christ could perform physical miracles but were not willing to believe he could redeem the soul, to forgive sins. Today this is something many struggle with, including me. I see all around me the physical manifestations of God and his glory, but struggle to see and comprehend the connection Christ has to saving our souls. I know it happens, it has happened in my life, redemption from sin is real. What I don't see is how it happens, how one perfect man makes it happen for every person who lived on the earth. 

     This plan, God's plan, requires faith. I believe that He could give us an explanation of how Christ atoned for our sins, why it is that he can take away our sin - to make sins as scarlet become white as snow - but God doesn't explain it. There is a purpose in God's withholding of these details. He wants us to trust him, to learn to believe and act upon that belief - to believe that when He says 'I provided the earth and all things in it', that we will believe and thank Him. When He says that He has provided a Savior for us so that we can return to His loving presence one day, we must believe Him. 

     We must have hope. The kind of hope that begins with daffodils and forsynthia and ends with our salvation through Christ. 

J's Baptism

A beautiful, wonderful day!

 

 

House of Cards

     What if everything that seems right with the world is really a precarious house of cards? Our world, our lives, are stacked high, multi-level, intricate in their design and have been around for years. These aspects give us the illusion of solid ground - it's been around so long we're sure it will be forever. 

     Our world is very complicated. Just think of how many people it takes to deliver your newspaper- people making ink, people making and recycling paper, writers, editors, printers, delivery people - all for a newspaper. You can get that newspaper every day. Think about all the things you use every day and all the people and systems it takes to acquire them. Layers, and layers, and layers of carefully stacked cards. 

     Have you seen the flooding in Rhode Island? They say it's a hundred year flood. I assume that means it hasn't flooded like this in 100 years. People assumed that because it hadn't flooded in 85 years they were fine to build on the floodplain. That seems foolish to me. A hundred years isn't very long, especially when you consider how old the earth is. A hundred years is a flash in the pan, a blink. People built their lives on the promise that their homes would be safe for that tiny fraction of forever. 

     Maybe it's about believing that this moment, now, will last forever. When they built the house it wasn't flooding. I'm sure they couldn't imagine it would ever look like this- 

      Of course they never thought it would happen, they wouldn't have filled it with all their earthly possessions and built their lives around it if they could imagine it. 

     It's been very interesting to me to see how well my kids are doing this year. Nobody's perfect around here, but they are doing well, we don't feel like everyday is an uphill battle. There seems to be a relation between these good things and the fact that our house of cards has been holding up for the last four years. Meaning we've lived here that long- their schools, friends, church life, and home have been the solid for that long. Our family has been around longer than that though, a consistency that is priceless when we keep moving our house of cards and changing the levels. Not that there haven't been a few shake ups and times that the house of cards was less than happy. 

     Yesterday my mother and father in-law came for a visit. My parents arrive today. DH took a week off work. J. is getting baptized on Saturday. All of these things meant the house had to be cleaned, lots of food needed to be acquired, and many plans made. Oh, and on Wednesday I took a Mid-term exam. There was a lot of stress in our house yesterday as we prepared for everything. That stress boiled over.  

     So my little house of cards is shaking, I'm sure it won't fall over - just as sure as those Rhode Islanders were that their homes would never flood. Like I said before, in the moment you're sure the moment will last forever, sometimes it feels that way with unpleasant things too. 

Cycle of Life

       After steady rain for two or three days the sun has mercifully appeared. I appreciate the sun so much more after it has been away. The rain isn't always an annoyance though. When we lived in Colorado we didn't have air conditioning, so in the roasting late afternoons we were grateful to see the thunderheads bubbling up to cool us off. We'd often get an accompanying light show as the sun went down and lightning striped the sky among the tiered peaks of the mountains. 

     A few weeks ago I studied Stoicism for my Humanities class. The ancient Stoics believed that the universe is cyclical, like the patterns of the rain and sun. There is no need to strive for wealth or fame because eventually it will come to everyone, as will poverty and infamy.

     "To everything there is a season, turn, turn..."

     "The wheel in the sky keeps on turning..."   

   Those song lyrics echo through my rainsoaked head today.  

     Last night my sister called to say she had a baby. Although the last month of pregnancy was difficult, and the labor long and befitting its name, all went well and my newest nephew arrived at 7 pm last night. She said he weighed eight pounds, nine ounces and has a full head of bright blond hair like his older sister did on her birth day. As she spoke to me about his sweet cry and the family resemblance I closed my eyes, imagining being with them; watching her kiss his soft head as he melts into her arms with proud Daddy standing by. I miss holding my newborn nephew, and another that will be born soon. By the time I meet them chances are they'll be walking. 

     This morning I received an email from my Aunt saying that my Great Uncle died last night. My extended family members on that side of the family tree hold my attention and my heart, despite not knowing them well. My grandma died when I was six months old. I don't remember her. So I watch her siblings, I listen to their voices, soaking in details of who they are, trying to piece together the woman who is so much a part of me, but still a stranger.  My great uncle who passed last night is my grandma's brother. He was a jeweler and made my wedding ring exactly 18 years ago. 

    When my then fiancée and I met with him to choose the ring style my great uncle didn't know who I was. That happens in large extended families, especially when children grow up quickly, and families ties are stretched over miles and death... and remarriage... and family politics. I missed something there, a connection between family members I would have had if Grandma had been alive.  Missing that connection I felt that I couldn't sit at his knee and beg for another story of their childhood, glimpses into her. (Nevermind that if she were here the stories wouldn't mean so much.) Now I'll miss his funeral, a chance to learn more about his life and an opportunity to see my extended family. 

The cycle of life- one son, brother, man taking his first breath while another takes his last, both in our family on the same night. I'm missing it all, too far away. The cycle of life turning for us all. 

I feel like it's raining again. 

All Signs Point to "Yes".

 

     Remember the Magic 8 Ball? You ask it a question, give it a good shake, then peer through the little blue clouded window until your answer appears. If you didn't like the answer you could inadvertently give it a little shake to find a better one. Most of the answers in the magic ball were ambivalent - 'ask again later', 'answer hazy', or 'concentrate and ask again'. DH and I are so attuned to children at risk and foster care right now that I have noticed those things everywhere. It seems like the cosmic Magic 8 Ball is sending me answers. 

     The day after we talked to Rach about being a foster family there was a Meth Lab bust in the same neighborhood as the high school she'll attend next year. We read in the paper that there were two children, ages 2 & 4, living in the home that were placed in the custody of child services. We pointed out to her that those kids could have come to our home, to give her an idea of where foster kids come from. 

     On Saturday afternoon DH and I went out for our weekly date. We had lunch and went to the bookstore. While perusing the bestsellers and new releases we came across a photo book by Anne Geddes. I'm very familiar with her work (having worked in a picture frame shop) so I passed it by, but DH stopped and thumbed through every picture even remarking that one or two were cute (absolutely no cooing noises though, that would be un-manly). 

 

     As I watched him adore the beautiful newborns I remembered how great he was with our babies and wondered if he was thinking about what it will be like if we get a foster baby. How would it be to get up for early hour feedings now that we're a few years older? It also reminded me of something DH's mother told me when we were first married. She commented that he was wonderful with kids and had no doubt that he would be a good dad. She was absolutely right. I thought back on that, realizing that I was led to marry a man whose heart is big enough to love our children and a foster child. I couldn't do it without him. 

     Last week I took the kids to the library. This has been somewhat rare lately because it's so difficult to manage a two year old at the library (unless it's storytime, then library patrons have to expect weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth). While the kids found their books I quickly looked through the new books. I shouldn't have because I have a mid term tomorrow... but I got 3 books. One of them is called Self Storage. I'm in the middle of it so I won't rate it yet (spoiler alert!), but the main character has a few problems with her children that puts her parenting under a microscope (this is not something the blurb indicated, so I didn't know that going in). It struck me this morning as I read it at the gym that this is how some mothers with children in foster care feel. They parent the same way they were raised and/or find themselves in unfortunate circumstances where they made a bad decision (or several), and their children are taken away. It gave me another level of understanding for birth parents - which I need. 

     I also need this constant reassurance because this seems looney sometimes, especially when I think about how it must appear to others. A year ago I wasn't sure I could take care of my kids because of my physical issues. Now I'm better and willing not only to take on an additional child, but a troubled one at that. When it's right you just know. I can't question it, especially when the cosmic Magic 8 Ball is giving me such an obvious answer: "All signs point to 'Yes'!"

     So Magic 8 Ball, since you're prognosticating so well, what can I make for dinner that costs $3, is healthy, and requires no effort? 

 

Whose Agenda?

As I drove home from my church assignment today, I listened to The Mormon Channel (It's a great Iphone app, and website). There was a conversation with Elder Gonzales and his wife playing. One of the many great things said was (in my own words, as I remember it), "Whose agenda are you pursuing? Many people pursue their own agenda, but when we serve we need to follow God's agenda. We have to give up our own agenda to be successful in serving Him." My experiences in service today showed me that what Elder Gonzales said is true. 

Usually when we have conferences with different congregations, I and another leader teach the young women a lesson. After that lesson is over we have a small meeting with the area's young women leaders to understand their challenges, to train them, and support and encourage their service. Today was a very busy day for our family - My meetings began at 9 am an hour from home, DH spoke in church at 9 am (at a different meeting), there was a baptism we wanted to attend, and Rach had a piece of poetry in the school art show (AWESOME!) which was 12-2. It seemed there was no way to fit all of these things in, with drive time. Most especially it seemed there was no way for me to meet with leaders after church.

I felt prompted to make Rach's event a priority. So our compromise was to meet with the YW leaders during one of the other meetings (not ideal). This solution made me feel uncomfortable because I felt I wasn't supporting the other leaders by skipping a meeting, and even being a bad example of skipping Sunday School. But life's not perfect and you gotta make things work, so that's what we did, and it turned out to be a good thing. 

A few of the concerns of the leaders were surrounding how Sunday meetings have gone with the girls. So as I taught the lesson with my co-teacher we were able to observe the girls and understand them in a way we couldn't have if the leader meeting hadn't previously taken place. We are now better able to support and counsel the leaders because we knew about the issues before we interacted with the girls in class.

Another way in which the spirit guided me for the best good today was in choosing a topic for the lesson and preparing it. I am always amazed at the consistency of this type of guidance. If I pray that the Lord will guide me to teach what he wants people to learn then the preparation goes much more smoothly and the lesson does too. In short, if I pursue God's agenda instead of my own in teaching, I am successful. Because I did that today I was able to teach YW who are new to this country that they should pursue their dreams. It was perfect for their situation, and the other girls too. In addition, my lesson worked well with the lesson taught by the other leader, even though we didn't coordinate in advance. This happened because we both listened to the spirit. 

If I had to teach and help people without guidance from God I would be lost and confused. I have confidence to teach and to lead because the spirit is with me, encouraging me to love those I teach, and to give me a better agenda than the one I would choose myself. 

Secrets are Good..?

     I am an open person- heart on my sleeve, ask me anything. This is pretty obvious here on the blog. I've always felt that there are very few legitimate reasons for keeping a secret. Of course, as these things go, I'm learning why secrets can be good. 

     People think they know who you are and what your life is about if they know a few things about you. This blog is an example. I do write about many things in my life here, but not ALL of my life. That would be impossible. My life is active and vibrant, so many things happen in a day that it would be impossible to write about all of them (even Twitter isn't sufficient). Everyone's life is this way, not just mine. 

     Because I have specific thoughts one day, it doesn't mean I'll still feel the same way 3 days later. (This is one of the many reasons gossip is so horrid and I try to steer clear of it.) This concept of personal change applies to every area of life. Just because one day I'm feeling a little down and remembering my depression and try to share it with others as a means of help, doesn't mean that I'm falling into a depression now. My words, my thoughts, are not ME. Your words, your thoughts are not YOU. We change every moment as we interact with our surroundings and make choices. No one is static. 

     What bothers me is when people use these temporarily expressed thoughts, feelings, and experiences to determine who I am, or who another person is. Yes, we use these pieces of information to understand a person, but those thoughts or experiences are not the definition of that person. Back to the example of depression - I once was a woman suffering from depression. Even then I wasn't a "depressed woman", I was a woman fighting the affliction of depression. Even now I am not a "recovering depressive", I'm a woman who battled depression in the past and now knows how to deal with it personally. 

      This applies to other areas as well. I am about to become a foster mom. That doesn't change who I am, I am ME, I am not "foster mom". The assumption of a new role doesn't automatically change a person. Because I'll have a few life changes involved with taking care of children doesn't mean I won't go to bookgroup, can't help people outside my home, or never want to paint again (or am a saintly angel, that's laughable). It's lazy to push people into stereotypes and leave them there - especially when you interact with those people in real life (IRL) and can effect their lives and their family. 

     This is one reason I'm so hesitant to share my blog with people I interact with IRL - it changes what they think of me, they think they know all of me because they read the blog and think it is ME. 

     Yesterday at our foster interview the agency rep said that information about foster kids should not be posted on the internet, facebook, or twitter. I nodded my head and said "OK" while I mentally clicked off the list of foster blogs on the internet who currently do just that. I want to share my experiences, but the kids deserve privacy, and not just because it's a law (HIPA). Their experiences don't define them either and I would HATE for any of them to be labeled or treated differently because someone who knows me and interacts with the kids IRL reads this blog. 

 

     So I have to think about all of this, what I'm going to do. I don't know, I haven't decided. I enjoy blogging, connecting with strangers through the internet and letting my far flung friends and family know what is happening in my life. But it's that in-between crowd I'm not so sure about. Do I need to take my blog strictly private? Meaning, I'd create a new blog with an alias where I could post with made-up names and places. I would inform my closest friends and family  so they could keep up with me. Then I'd never utter a word about my blog to anyone IRL. This scenario makes me sad, but the temptation is all too strong for people to gossip, to tell others about the blog who then lurk and then gossip more. Their talk effects our church life, our community life, our personal lives. It gets ugly and messy and I don't like it. 

.

Sometimes secrets are necessary. There is a reason God didn't give us the ability to read minds.