lajendi

The Road to Fostering - first interview

     DH and I have our first interview with the foster agency today. I'm nervous about what the questions will be, and scared that I might freeze up or say something stupid. 

     The first step in the whole process was meeting with the new foster parent coordinator(NFPC), who answered our questions and asked a few. At that time she outlined the basics of how the system works and gave us an application. After deciding that we were crazy enough to take this on, and that this is the agency for us, we filled out the application (names, birthdates, residences, children's info, job info, schooling, and a long list of questions about criminal activity). We mailed the form in and when the NFPC looked it over and saw no red flags she called us for the interview. Supposedly she's already sent out for our background checks, or that will be something we do today. That could take a while (4-6 weeks) because we've lived in PA for less than 10 years so they check other states we've lived in. 

     I'm trying to think through possible questions we'll get. Last time the NFPC asked why we wanted to be foster parents and we sort of froze and said, "We want to help kids." She told us that we need to think about what we can offer children. It felt like a job interview type question, that there might be certain things they are looking for in the response. 

    When we filled out the foster parent application, the question was there again. If I remember correctly we wrote something along the lines of: We can provide a stable, loving, and safe home environment. (It was longer than that but I can't think of the exact words now, it was short and to the point.) That was the hardest question on the application for me. DH and I went over it, he said what we wrote was fine but I felt like more words would show how much we want to help (the writer in me coming out). He convinced me that we'd have plenty of opportunities to share more later. Today is one of those opportunities. 

     Coming from a culture and family background that is big into humility, this is awkward for me. We do have many great things to offer children in need, but tooting my own horn doesn't come easily. Maybe I need to be like Dwight and listen to some rowdy music before I go in for this interview?

     Another issue I'm slightly concerned about is religion. The question was on the application and we answered it 'LDS (Mormon)'. Living where we do it could be that she has no idea what that means. It could also mean that she Googled it and found all kinds of lies and half-truths. Here's a video I could refer her to. Or this article about Mormon foods, after all, every kid needs more Jello and funeral potatoes in their diet. The reality is that we'll have to explain our religion in 50 words or less (exaggerating a little). 

     There was also a question on the application about mental health, I fessed up to depression. I haven't had a problem with it for years so hopefully they'll see it as a positive that I overcame it, and that DH and I stayed together through it. I think those experiences enable me to be understanding and compassionate towards children dealing with tumultuous emotions. 

     Really, this is the easy interview. The next interview is when DH and I go in separately and are asked about our childhoods and associated issues. That could take 2+ hours. Right now that sounds like a police interrogation, but I shouldn't begin freaking myself out now, I'll have plenty of time for that later. 

     The 3rd and last interview will be in our home and will include our children. I totally understand this and think the kids will be fine. I do, however, fully expect them to share embarrassing details, like my strange inability to fold laundry, or how stinky I smell after workouts. That interview worries me more because the house will be inspected at the same time. Oh, do I have issues with that.  Not that I don't think it should be done, I see it as completely necessary. But this type of situation can turn me into Polly Perfect in a way similar to David Banner morping into the Incredible Hulk - not fun. I read a blog post that said these home studies aren't expecting perfection, just basic cleanliness; if your home is too clean when you have several kids they might worry more. 

    So that's what I know about the foster parent interviews. Another part of the process that we'll start soon are the foster parenting classes. With names like 'Discipline/Positive Behavior Shaping' and 'Safe Crisis Management' my interest is peaked. I'm not scared though, I keep telling myself that the kids we'll have will be too small to give us much trouble. It's not true, but that's what I'm thinking for now. I trust the classes to be a huge help and God to help us with the rest. 

New Shoes

New shoes do make you run faster. It's not just a playground rumor. 

 

Yesterday I got new shoes and a few workout clothes. I won't call them running shoes and clothes just yet. New shoes are important support for running feet. I ran twice for a few minutes during my treadmill time today, I'm very cautiously working up to what I previously could do. It would be so awesome to run outside this summer. 

My knees are cooperating so far. Today they don't hurt at all - that is pretty amazing considering what I dealt with this time last year. I've been working on my core, crunches and the exercises from the physical therapist. I thought my core would be strengthened to run just by running. I talked to my physical therapist about this and she said that it isn't true. Even though running is one of the best workouts, it still does not strengthen all the muscles necessary for running, such as the abs and back. I think this could be the reason I got runner's knee. 

When your core isn't strong your form fails as you tire. For me that meant my toes turn in, I hunch over, and generally look like an ogre loping after it's prey. This is where the damage occurs. So now when I focusing on form I watch my toes and stop running when I get tired. 

My whole life I've been pigeon-toed. I wore a brace as a baby to try to correct it and special shoes as a little kid. It didn't work. Now I'm finding that it is due to genetics and weak muscles. Not all my muscles are weak, the ones specifically needed to keep my feet pointing forward need work. As I do the exercises recommended by the physical therapist it strengthens the muscles that turn my feet outward. As I focus on placing my feet with my toes pointing forward (which feels as if I'm running like a duck, that's how much my toes want to go inward) it reduces the chance of injuring myself again, or exacerbating the existing damage. 

The interesting thing about all of this is that in the past I never knew if I should try to correct my pigeon toes. As a kid when I was teased about it I tried to point my toes forward but as soon as I forgot they would go back. It seemed to only be an issue of appearance. I got used to it and ignored the taunts. As I started running it was interesting that my dysfunctional feet didn't cause trouble and neither did my bunions (that sounds like something old ladies have, for the record, I'm not old!). It was just a matter of time though. It took about 5 years of running before I started to have knee pain. 

While I'm working on these feet issues I don't think it will ever really be "cured". It has been my body's fall back position for so long, and I wonder if there is something in my bone or muscle structure that precipitates it. Regardless of cause, I can do things to improve, even if it doesn't ever go completely away. 

So watch out pavement - my new shoes and I will be confronting you very soon, at a much faster pace. 

Spring Happenings

Today my friend has a post at MW - how their family worked with God to help their daughter with Kawasaki Disease. 

I submitted for my Humanities mid-term! It is such a relief to be halfway through the class. Applying for foster care lit a fire under me, I really need to finish this class and be well on my way to finishing a Psych Stats class before we get into full-time fostering. After that major class the remaining classes will be cake, with a few rocks baked in. 

I finally planted seeds! The warm weather encouraged me to believe that it will eventually get warm enough for things to grow. They sprouted  quickly this year. 

 

I also tested my garden soil - it is pathetic. Low on everything although the acidity levels are good. But by the time I adjust all the other issues I'll probably have issues with acidity. Composted manure here I come!

Today I finished The Sugar Queen. I highly recommend it, this book came along just when I needed it. A good story with a magical lightness. Yummy!

News Flash - Eating well is difficult. I have to share how horridly I ate on Saturday so I can feel good about improving: 

Breakfast: Lucky Charms with lowfat milk. This makes no sense. I should have poured on the heavy cream while I was at it. We never have Lucky Charms in the house, but I got them for J's birthday. 

Lunch: At Chuck E Cheese for J's friend's birthday party so, you guessed it: 2 1/2 slices of pizza and soda. Why not the salad bar? Because the pizza was right there in front of me while the salad bar required a little effort. 

Dinner: Popeyes. Do I need to tell you the scary details? Full confession purges the soul - two deep fried fish fillets, biscuit with honey, cole slaw (got a veggie in there!) and a full sugar sprite. 

Is there any wonder that I had a headache and achy knees on Sunday? My body was nearly suffering from malnutrition even though I went far over the number of calories required to sustain life. So after that I'm quite proud of myself for eating these things today (although not necessarily the best choices) 

Breakfast: granola bar, a few grapes, and water.

Mid morn snack - juice and 2 whole wheat muffins (I noticed that most juices now have water and sugar as their leading ingredients. We aren't drinking juice, we're drinking sugar water, like hummingbirds.) I'm under no delusions about the sugar content of this meal, even with the whole wheat - not good choices. 

Lunch - Ham and cheese sandwich, half of Baby's chocolate muffin. Don't say a word about that muffin, it was going to waste. 

Afternoon snack - V8 juice and a trail mix of nuts and dried blueberries (a new find that is great! So great I think I ate too much.)

Dinner - Haven't eaten yet but plan to train wreck the day with scrambled eggs, hashbrowns and juice because I don't feel like making dinner. I'll make it up tomorrow by making Chicken Chili. 

I'm telling myself that we'll eat better soon when the veggies are in season. 

To end this scatterbrained post, here's a picture Baby took of herself.

 

Another Place at the Table

I read this book in one day, Another Place at the Table by Kathy Harrison. It is about her adventures in foster parenting. Very eye opening, informative, and sad/hopeful - yes, all of those things at the same time. I appreciated reading the reality of foster parenting (as real as a well-edited book can be), understanding the amount of compassion, fortitude, wisdom, and tolerance needed to help troubled children. The sad part was reading about just a few of the kids who had issues so severe they couldn't be cared for in a traditional foster setting. That is sad, so so sad. 

It was so good to read about her interactions with birth parents, both the successful and the scary.  It was informative to see how her tendency to take on too much, out of compassion, didn't result in positive outcomes. If it's too much to handle it doesn't work out for anyone. As much as you would like to be super mom, no one is. A very good reminder for me going into this. 

I don't know if I'd recommend this book to everyone. It's got some pretty harsh facts about the abuse that happens to children. For me, going into foster parenting, I want my eyes to be open because it motivates and informs, preparing me for what is coming. This book has a sequel and I'll be reading it also. 

Now I'm onto a little fluff reading - The Sugar Queen by Sarah Addison and I'm re-reading Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy. 

 While we're talking books I have to tell you about Rach's reading - she has read 3 books in the last week. One of them was The Hobbit by Tolkien (which is being made into a movie!). I am so proud!

Our Genesis of Foster Parenting

DH and I have submitted an application to become foster parents. Those words "foster parenting" aren't my favorite. I like being a parent, but the sometimes negative connotations of "foster parent" I don't like. Foster parenting can sound big, ugly, overwhelming, complicated, and of course people automatically think about severely disturbed children with sexual issues. While all of those things can be a part of foster parenting they are not the definition of it. 

The first post I linked to a few days ago was specifically about adopting, but I think the explanation of love in action is what foster parenting is. What I didn't like about that post is, "And don't get me started on the foster care system. That is most certainly not a solution. Children need families. God's best for a child is not foster care or an orphanage. It is a family." This is a complete misunderstanding of the foster care system, and an innate misunderstanding of the potential of human beings. 

Parenting is an indescribable job. You have to do it to understand it. To be a good one you need examples, and not everyone has had a good example. You need a solid foundation in life to be a good parent, or major restoration as an adult. To be a good parent you need to be free from major addictions and be financially and mentally capable of providing care for a needy little person. Not everyone who has children is capable of being a proper parent (notice I didn't say "a perfect parent"). To me this doesn't mean that their family should be immediately ripped apart and their child permanently given to another. People can change, this belief is at the heart of the religion I practice and the way I live my life. 

Because I believe people can change I feel that parents who can't properly care for their child(ren) should be given the opportunity to change. The problem is that it takes time. While the parent is changing and learning the child needs a safe, loving, and stable environment in which they can grow and learn as well. This is what a good foster family offers. 

On this podcast I heard a former foster child tell his story. His mother was an alcoholic, who loved he and his brother dearly but couldn't properly care for them while addicted. He stayed in foster homes 3 different times while his mother worked to get rid of her addiction. Eventually she kicked the habit and their family was reunited permanently. That is a success story of foster parenting, that is the goal (or should be) of every foster parent. 

I believe in the power of families. I believe a child will have the best life possible if they can live in safety and health with their own parents because the bond of parenthood is that strong. This is worth working for. It is worth society investing in parents. It is worth the heartache my family and I will feel when a child leaves our home to be reunified with their parent(s). It is worth the struggle our family will have while helping children who carry baggage from their family's dysfunction. Children are worth that, every soul on the earth is worth that. As I told a friend recently, "They are real people, children of Heavenly Father. They deserve to have someone cry over them."

Foster parents are sometimes asked if they think they are perfect parents. I laugh about that. No way do I think I am perfect, nor do I have any illusions about the perfection of the rest of my family. Something I saw in our city explains why, even though I'm flawed, I feel I have a home worth opening to foster kids.

I was walking down the street in our city when a local elementary school let out. Many parents were shepherding backpacked children through the streets. One mother and her young son walked in front of me. The mother berated the child constantly with many expletives thrown in. I walked behind her for at least 3 minutes and in that time her mouth spewed some of the most vile filth I've ever heard and it was directed towards a child. She eventually stopped to tie his shoe (which was all his "!$*# fault, and why couldn't the little *$%?#@ tie his own &*%*! shoe?!!) As she bent over to tie his shoe I walked past them. That little boy looked up at me with a blank expression, staring straight through me. I wanted to stop that mother, to tell her how inappropriate it was, to stand up for that child. But that woman was huge, she'd probably have no problem taking her frustrations out on this  *#$@ white lady. In the end the child would probably suffer more wrath at her hands if I tried to interviene. So I said nothing, kept walking, and prayed for that little boy. 

That is just one experience among many I've had that pushes my heart towards fostering. Maybe I'll share a few more of those experiences here in the future. 

The certification process for foster parents is a long one with many steps. We've just begun, the process will likely take 4 months and at any time something could come up that would exclude us from approval. So while we want to be foster parents there are a lot of things that could derail the process.

I'll share some of the process, the ups and downs, here on the blog. It's nice to finally share this huge new part of our life with everyone. We had to keep it private while we deliberated and discussed it with our children. They are all on board, although they may not have a complete understanding of what we're in for. What am I saying? Even I don't have a complete understanding of what we're in for! But I do have confidence in God's help and our ability as human beings to do difficult things. 

Any questions?

Happy Birthday Buddy!

(I promised a follow up to yesterday's mystery but today is my son's birthday, so it will be tomorrow.)

My little boy's 8th birthday is today! The years go by so quickly. He is growing into a sweet and vivacious young man. I'm proud of the effort he puts into school. It isn't easy for him but he tries, I wish his teacher would realize that more often.

He is happy 99% of the time. This evening he and I drove to the grocery store to buy his second birthday cake (remember this one?). He begged to have the windows down in the car and I obliged. As we picked up speed he started giggling from the back seat. I looked back and saw the wind whipping his hair back as he laughed, "It tickles!" It was great to see him taking joy from a simple pleasure. I feel like giggling myself after the last few days of 70 degrees!

For his birthday he got the second Metroid video game. I was a little hesitant to get it for him because of the violence. After watching him work towards finishing the first game I felt that he has learned diligence from playing the game. He really had a hard time with the last part of the game, he worked at it for more than a week before conquering it yesterday all on his own. That is a big accomplishment from a boy who can't seem to sit still for 3 minutes. 

(By the way, how do you deal with boys' tendencies for violence? In some ways they have to 'toughen up' to survive as a male in this society, but I don't like to subject him to it either. Same dilemma surrounding defending himself, I don't want anyone to mess with him so I'd like him to learn how to protect himself, but at the same time he needs to be nice - the male world is confusing to this girl!)

He also got a Captain Moroni poster that is really cool, and a Ben 10 lego set. 

 

  
 

Happy Birthday to my buddy! It is great to have a boy to raise, to love, and to be loved by him in return. So many great things are in his future. I love who he is- loving life, adventurous, friendly, bubbling over, curious, and smart!

Eighth birthdays are a big deal in our church, read my post today on MW to find out why. 

Today and the Future

Hi. 

I wrote a long post for today but decided it was very churchy and good for the MW site so I'm not posting that today. 

I thought about posting the amazing journal entry from a Christian who was killed by the Romans way back when that I read for Humanities. But my book is upstairs and it's late. Besides, that would really bum you out wouldn't it? 

This evening I got a haircut, so did Rach. I could have taken a picture of the two of us with our new do's but she's in bed and the only thing that looks fabulous about me right now is my hair. 

I could show you the blogs I've been reading but it kind of lets some things out of the bag that we haven't told anyone about. Then again DH said he didn't mind if I blogged about it. It's late and I'm probably not thinking very clearly, so why not share everything with the world?! You'll be able to figure it out in just a few clicks. Here are my new favorite blogs, and a podcast. Happy Sleuthing-

You must read this one first, it explains why (but not exactly what). 

 

This is the first site I found.

Then I came upon this one, which gives a young, humorous perspective.

I found this one last week, a religious family similar to the podcast. That kind of perspective is wonderful for me.  

Happened upon this one just a few days ago, very real and at times raw. 

I'll share more about this journey in my next post. Unless you beg for a pic of my new haircut... I could be convinced. 

Non-Fiction or Fiction?

Last week I finished reading Three Cups of Tea. A lovely non-fiction book about a man building schools in Afghanistan and Pakistan. All well and good. Except that reading it felt like pulling teeth. It was supposed to be my leisure reading. 

When I can't finish a non-fiction book I feel like a doofus. I'm not a doofus, my brain works well and I exercise it nearly every day (it takes Saturdays and holidays off). Remember The Omnivore's Dilemma? I really liked it and wanted to read all of it. Didn't happen. Weakness is Not Sin, a great book that I've hardly cracked open. Even when I check non-fiction out from the library that contains info I need and want, I only scan and read applicable info. 

Some of this is because many non-fiction books out there should be half as long as they are. It seems that the authors are pushed to publish before they're ready but need to have a book that is a certain length. So they over explain and get wordy. 

Really, the reason I have such a difficult time with non-fiction is that I read to get a break from life, to enjoy and relax. It's not enjoyable or relaxing to be guilted about children in Pakistan that don't have schools which some say is the cause of terrorism. I'm reminded of similar horrid facts when I read the newspaper, watch the news, or surf the net. Add to that the textbooks I read for school, and the scriptures, and I'm full up on non-fiction. My life is non-fiction, every day, all day. I need a break from non-fiction, not more of it. What I need is more fiction in my life. Just because we grow up doesn't mean we should stop playing pretend. 

 

Any fiction recommendations?

Rising Sun

It has been raining for 4 days. Not just cloudy and drippy but R-A-I-N-I-N-G. Windy too, it blew one of the shutters off the front of the house and woke up the kids. Wet, cold, windy, flooding, dark, miserable - and after having just a few nice days beforehand too. It was hard to take, like coming out of a tunnel only to have a blindfold put on. Yesterday I did a lot of daydreaming about North Carolina beaches. If the sun hadn't appeared today I would be looking up condo rentals right now, not blogging. (I may still do that.) 

With the time change R. and I are going to seminary in the dark again. But at least this morning it wasn't cold. On the way home the sky was beginning to lighten and I mentioned to R. that the sun was supposed to shine today. Then I looked up and saw the clouds moving out as the sun rose. The sky was perfectly split with dim dark clouds on the right side and pink streaked clouds with a brightening sky on the left. I needed that, to see clearly that it really was as dark as it felt. The change was as huge as the sky and as tangible as black and white. Seeing the sun rise I felt that I could make it through this day when I had been pushing myself to stay upright just long enough to get back into bed. These cold dark days drag me down, weariness won't leave me alone. 

 

With the sky lightening, we drove past the hospital. The sky was still dark enough that the lights were on inside and outside. I thought about the people who stayed there overnight. They must need this bright dawn even more than I do. To someone there it could be the difference between fighting for another breath and giving up. How amazing that the clouds parted at the same time the sun rose and a new day began.

I remembered standing in the NICU with Baby, looking out those hospital windows at the sun. The brightness assured me that good things were ahead for us, despite the trouble she was having. Her future was bright with health and possibilities. But not everyone at the hospital then, or now, have that kind of hope. So today while I enjoyed the brilliant sunrise after 4 days of rain I realized that there are others who have endured 40 days and nights of rain. The sunrise was really for them.

Thank you for sharing your sunrise with me. Keep breathing. Keep fighting. The sun will rise again tomorrow and the clouds will stay away for at least a few more days. 

 

Eternal Life

Today I talked in church. Ok, I talk at church every week, my reverence needs some work - I blame the kids. 

Seriously though... I was asked to speak in church about eternal life, a very broad topic. (In our church members of the congregation speak instead of a pastor giving a sermon.) Usually I can judge how my talk went by the comments I get afterwards. If that really is a true indicator then I taught a few gems about being a rebellious teenager. 

My speaking technique is to have a written general outline with a few quotes and scriptures, then tie those ideas together in my own words at the spur of the moment. This leaves the door open for the holy spirit to prompt, or conversely, for me to make a fool of myself. Apparently today I made myself out to be a regular James Dean (Rebel Without a Cause), I'll let you decide if that was the spirit or the fool. 

My recollection (which could be clouded by nerves and missing breakfast) is that while speaking about the need for obedience, I mentioned that as a teenager I was rebellious, that my parents used reverse psychology on me and it worked well. Then I said that I've learned through hard experience, the school of hard knocks, that the commandments are for our good and happiness. I ended the tangent with gratitude for repentance. That is it! 30 seconds of a 10-15 minute talk. Now I'm defending myself with references to polishing my halo. 

All joking aside, I really don't care if people know that I was a rebellious teenager. Although I actually had a few well behaved years in there too. Thinking about it now I wonder if those people who are surprised by my rebellious streak just don't know me very well. Ask DH, he'll tell you I'm rebellious. It's just that now that I'm older I forge ahead with what is right even if I might think about getting a motorcycle, a henna tattoo, and living as a starving artist (joking again, I think).  

I've learned to trust God more than my own instincts because my rebellious instincts have gotten me into some messes. I believe that God loves me and that while his commandments may seem constrictive there are far more things we can do with him as our guide and protector than when we try every vice available. I found rebellion for rebellion's sake to be extremely self-destructive.

In short, I've found this statement to be true:

“Regardless of our age and stage in life, daily obedience to gospel principles is the only sure way to eternal happiness. President Ezra Taft Benson put it most poignantly when he said, 'When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power.'” -Donald L. Staheli

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There is a great post at MW today by someone you might know...

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Here are a few other quotes I used in my talk - good stuff!

“The Savior’s perfect submission to the Eternal Father is the very essence of a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Christ’s example teaches us that a broken heart is an eternal attribute of godliness. When our hearts are broken, we are completely open to the Spirit of God and recognize our dependence on Him for all that we have and all that we are… Those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit are willing to do anything and everything that God asks of them, without resistance or resentment. We cease doing things our way and learn to do them God’s way instead.” Bruce D. Porter, 

“We cannot stand idly by, being merely an interested spectator, rather than a participating member, and still receive the blessing of eternal life. It is our duty to gain an appropriate witness and testimony which will change and improve our lives for good.” Delbert L. Stapley

Joseph Smith tells us that “happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path which leads to it.” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 255.)