lajendi

Judgement

 

     For the last week I've been battling Dante. I had to read the Divine Comedy for Humanities class. It wasn't horrid to read, and in the context of the time period it is interesting to consider. I also had to write a paper on it, that was hard. Specifically how Dante used Aristotle's theories to structure the different levels of hell - Those in 'regular hell' were those who committed sins against reason - fraud, deceit, and treachery. Those in the worst hell were those who committed sins against reason and against the community - Brutus, Judas Iscariot, and Cassius. Interesting ideas, none of which I subscribe to. 

     It did get me thinking though, about The Judgement, and what hell really is. 

     A week or two ago in Sunday School we were discussing the children of Israel. They did many things that we modern religious people look back on and laugh, "God just parted the Red Sea but they couldn't wait for Moses, they had to make a golden calf?" or  "They were getting manna from heaven, why criticize it?" It's not so easy to laugh when you apply those thoughts to modern day situations though. 

     We were talking about the miracle of the quails. Here's the shortened Jen version - The children of Israel were sick of eating just manna all the time. They wanted meat to eat. They complained to Moses and Moses passed along the complaint to God. God said, 'If they want flesh, I'll give em' flesh' and rained quail down on the children of Israel.  The people ate this quail, they ate a lot of it. Then the story gets interesting (I know, like food falling from the sky wasn't interesting enough). 

"And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against the people, and the Lord smote the people with a very great plague." Numbers 11:33

     Some of the people who ate the quail were killed by this plague. A plague that happened because of God's wrath. 

     I've been to innumerable Sunday School classes but it is only now that I'm scratching my head over this type of occurrence that happens very frequently in the Old Testament.  There is a lot of writing about God's wrath in there. In some ways it isn't syncing up with my personal view of God, my Heavenly Father. 

     I feel that God is loving, he is literally our spirit father and cares for us in a similar way to how I care for my children. I believe that God allows us to suffer the consequences of our choices so that we can learn good from evil. I can't see that same God inflicting something horrible, like a plague, upon the children that he loves purely out of wrath. There must be purpose there, it isn't wrath purely for wrath's sake. 

     So in Sunday School I raised my hand to comment about the plague suffered by the people when they ate all that quail. "Maybe the plague wasn't necessarily God's vengeance or anger, maybe it was God allowing them to suffer the consequences of their actions. They ate too much quail meat when their bodies were only used to eating manna so they got sick and a few died."

    The Sunday School teacher responded, "Well what do you think the plague was then?"

     My response, "Maybe they died of sudden onset heart disease."

     Everyone chuckled and we moved on. All joking aside, there is a connection there for me, on several levels. We are no different from the children of Israel. We complain when we are surrounded with bounty, so God gives us what we ask for so we can see for ourselves that it isn't good. Perhaps our modern day plague resulting from getting what we've asked for is obesity, diabetes, heart disease, etc. 

     The deeper issue, the one I'm really struggling with is the idea that God wouldn't only allow consequences to run their course, and thus school us in eternal laws, but would heap on an additional amount of pain and suffering. 

     This relates to my ideas about what hell is. I think we as sinners create our own personal hell. Have you ever watched one of those addiction recovery TV programs? Watching an addict recover from drug addiction looks like hell to me. God didn't have to throw in any wrath, the pure consequences of the drug addiction were powerful enough on their own. Is that what hell will be like? Not just drug addicts, but those of us who didn't resolve our issues in this life will be trying to work them out in the next? 

     Religious people can be very self-righteous when talking about judgement and what hell will be like. Some even revel in the belief that they will  be enjoying heaven while their fellow men suffer in hell. Christ teaches us to love one another, to care for our brother. I would think if we reach that kind of love then watching that brother we love suffer in hell would be no heaven for a true Christian. Along those same lines, I believe that the love we as humans are capable of feeling is only a small portion of how much God loves us. If God loves us so much more, how can he stand to inflict more pain upon us than is absolutely needed for our learning and progression. (Pain is a great teacher.)

      Anyone have a thought about this that might help me?

Orthodox

The last few days have been very busy (I've made a new commitment to working more on schoolwork), I haven't had the time to sit down and write but I have been thinking about what I would post. Here's the accumulation of my thoughts on a topic I've been thinking about the last few days-

     I've been listening to a segment from NPR's Fresh Air called Making Room for the Sabbath, about a book by Judith Shulevitz. It is about a book written by a Jewish woman who decided to start living an aspect of her religion, the Sabbath; which for Jews is on Saturday. The way Orthodox Jews observe the Sabbath is very strict, even in comparison to my own conservative religious practices. She had some neat thoughts about the benefits of Sabbath observance and it's history.

 

     Years ago I read a book about an Orthodox Jewish community, it was specifically about the women in that community, The Ladies Auxiliary by Tova Mirvis. When we discussed it at bookgroup we had the largest turnout ever, and a great discussion because as Mormon women we found so much in common with the Orthodox Jewish women. Not necessarily because our religious practices are similar, but because the struggles we have in living our religion are similar. 

 

     An interesting aspect of the NPR interview is the author's observation that in an orthodox community you are never exactly in agreement with your fellow members of the orthodoxy. The world at large believes this when they view the group from the outside, that everyone agrees and practices the religion the same. In reality in a group that is united by ideas and behaviors there are people who are more strict in belief and observance than you and those more lax in observance and belief.  This is a complicating factor, and especially so when the members of the group believe that this disparity shouldn't exist (keeping up with the Joneses religious style or picking at and laughing at the devout). 

     As you can tell, the author's comment really got me thinking. She abruptly regained my attention when she said she has difficulty praying. The interviewer prodded her on this issue and the author admitted that she doesn't believe in God. 

     So let's get this straight - This author is identifying herself as an Orthodox Jew (versus "Jew" because that can be a religious affiliation or an ethnicity), has written a book about religious worship, but she doesn't believe in God. In my eyes a belief in God goes along with the Orthodox "I'm a practicing Jew" label. 

     Interestingly enough there is a parallel to this in my religion too. When I went to high school they were called "Jack Mormons". They went to church, performed the duties asked of them, wore the right clothes, went to seminary, and then they violated many of the basic tenets of our religion on a regular basis. In that situation it was a bit different because there was a parental expectation that many Jack Mormons were trying to meet while at the same time making personal choices that were contrary to their parents' ideals.

     There is now an adult version of Jack Mormons, they call themselves Cultural Mormons (the Jack Mormons grew up). They attend Mormon meetings and events, dress appropriately, teach their children morals, but they don't believe the doctrine. 

   The largest reason this bothers me is that in the Mormon Church everyone contributes their services to the work. Sometimes that's coordinating basketball games, for which no belief in doctrine is necessarily required. But most of the work that needs to be done is teaching. It would make me very upset to find out that a Cultural Mormon was teaching my children in Sunday School. The phrase 'a wolf in sheep's clothing' comes to mind. Not that every teacher has a strong conviction of every aspect of the doctrine, it takes time to understand and come to that spiritual confirmation. This is different, this is giving up entirely and being just fine with living something that you don't believe in. 

     Thankfully, where we live in the Northeast US living the LDS religion is difficult and there isn't much to be gained culturally by being a Mormon. I think the places where Mormons are more prevalent and hold large sway in their communities Cultural Mormons are more common. 

Yet another distinction - not Reorganized LDS, not Cultural LDS, not New and Improved Polygamous LDS.  This world is a complicated place, you can't take anything at face value. 

Happy Easter

     Easter is the wonderful exclamation of spring. The daffodils and forsynthia are such bright reflections of this hopeful season, with Easter to remind me of the ultimate renewal available to us all. 

 

     I've been thinking about how most of the first flowers of spring are yellow. It reminds me that days with more sun, more warmth, are coming. The dark cold days of winter are over and the days of growth and plenty are ahead. These beautiful natural signs are reflections of Christ's resurrection and the ultimate glory he makes possible for us all. 

     Christ gives us an eternal spring in the renewal of our bodies after death - Resurrection. I believe in a very literal resurrection, "The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul, yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body, yea, even a hair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame. " Alma 40:23 

      I love thinking about Christ's literal resurrection, that he is able to minister to all of us because of the first resurrection, his resurrection. It is an obvious sign that his power over death and sin is real. Think of all the people who were blessed to see him after his resurrection, over 500, that bore witness of the reality of a complete physical resurrection. 

     As grand as the resurrection is, it is only a portion of what he has made possible for us. Saving us from sin is his ultimate goal, and without it resurrection would mean nothing. Actually it would mean eternal torment, and we would not look forward to that kind of resurrection. I look forward to the resurrection not only because I will live forever, but because I will live forever in happiness with God and my family. 

     On one of the occasions that the Pharisees tried to condemn Jesus' works, they questioned his ability to forgive sins. 

"And behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus seeing their faith said unto the sick of the palsy; Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee. 

And behold, certain of the scribes said within themselves, This man blasphemeth. 

And Jesus knowing their thoughts said, Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts? 

For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise and walk? 

But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (then said he to the sick of the palsy,) Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house. 

And he arose, and departed to his house. 

But when the multitudes saw it, they marvelled, and glorified God, which had given such power unto men." Matthew 9:1-8

     The condemning scribes were willing to believe that Christ could perform physical miracles but were not willing to believe he could redeem the soul, to forgive sins. Today this is something many struggle with, including me. I see all around me the physical manifestations of God and his glory, but struggle to see and comprehend the connection Christ has to saving our souls. I know it happens, it has happened in my life, redemption from sin is real. What I don't see is how it happens, how one perfect man makes it happen for every person who lived on the earth. 

     This plan, God's plan, requires faith. I believe that He could give us an explanation of how Christ atoned for our sins, why it is that he can take away our sin - to make sins as scarlet become white as snow - but God doesn't explain it. There is a purpose in God's withholding of these details. He wants us to trust him, to learn to believe and act upon that belief - to believe that when He says 'I provided the earth and all things in it', that we will believe and thank Him. When He says that He has provided a Savior for us so that we can return to His loving presence one day, we must believe Him. 

     We must have hope. The kind of hope that begins with daffodils and forsynthia and ends with our salvation through Christ. 

The Road to Fostering - first interview

     DH and I have our first interview with the foster agency today. I'm nervous about what the questions will be, and scared that I might freeze up or say something stupid. 

     The first step in the whole process was meeting with the new foster parent coordinator(NFPC), who answered our questions and asked a few. At that time she outlined the basics of how the system works and gave us an application. After deciding that we were crazy enough to take this on, and that this is the agency for us, we filled out the application (names, birthdates, residences, children's info, job info, schooling, and a long list of questions about criminal activity). We mailed the form in and when the NFPC looked it over and saw no red flags she called us for the interview. Supposedly she's already sent out for our background checks, or that will be something we do today. That could take a while (4-6 weeks) because we've lived in PA for less than 10 years so they check other states we've lived in. 

     I'm trying to think through possible questions we'll get. Last time the NFPC asked why we wanted to be foster parents and we sort of froze and said, "We want to help kids." She told us that we need to think about what we can offer children. It felt like a job interview type question, that there might be certain things they are looking for in the response. 

    When we filled out the foster parent application, the question was there again. If I remember correctly we wrote something along the lines of: We can provide a stable, loving, and safe home environment. (It was longer than that but I can't think of the exact words now, it was short and to the point.) That was the hardest question on the application for me. DH and I went over it, he said what we wrote was fine but I felt like more words would show how much we want to help (the writer in me coming out). He convinced me that we'd have plenty of opportunities to share more later. Today is one of those opportunities. 

     Coming from a culture and family background that is big into humility, this is awkward for me. We do have many great things to offer children in need, but tooting my own horn doesn't come easily. Maybe I need to be like Dwight and listen to some rowdy music before I go in for this interview?

     Another issue I'm slightly concerned about is religion. The question was on the application and we answered it 'LDS (Mormon)'. Living where we do it could be that she has no idea what that means. It could also mean that she Googled it and found all kinds of lies and half-truths. Here's a video I could refer her to. Or this article about Mormon foods, after all, every kid needs more Jello and funeral potatoes in their diet. The reality is that we'll have to explain our religion in 50 words or less (exaggerating a little). 

     There was also a question on the application about mental health, I fessed up to depression. I haven't had a problem with it for years so hopefully they'll see it as a positive that I overcame it, and that DH and I stayed together through it. I think those experiences enable me to be understanding and compassionate towards children dealing with tumultuous emotions. 

     Really, this is the easy interview. The next interview is when DH and I go in separately and are asked about our childhoods and associated issues. That could take 2+ hours. Right now that sounds like a police interrogation, but I shouldn't begin freaking myself out now, I'll have plenty of time for that later. 

     The 3rd and last interview will be in our home and will include our children. I totally understand this and think the kids will be fine. I do, however, fully expect them to share embarrassing details, like my strange inability to fold laundry, or how stinky I smell after workouts. That interview worries me more because the house will be inspected at the same time. Oh, do I have issues with that.  Not that I don't think it should be done, I see it as completely necessary. But this type of situation can turn me into Polly Perfect in a way similar to David Banner morping into the Incredible Hulk - not fun. I read a blog post that said these home studies aren't expecting perfection, just basic cleanliness; if your home is too clean when you have several kids they might worry more. 

    So that's what I know about the foster parent interviews. Another part of the process that we'll start soon are the foster parenting classes. With names like 'Discipline/Positive Behavior Shaping' and 'Safe Crisis Management' my interest is peaked. I'm not scared though, I keep telling myself that the kids we'll have will be too small to give us much trouble. It's not true, but that's what I'm thinking for now. I trust the classes to be a huge help and God to help us with the rest. 

Eternal Life

Today I talked in church. Ok, I talk at church every week, my reverence needs some work - I blame the kids. 

Seriously though... I was asked to speak in church about eternal life, a very broad topic. (In our church members of the congregation speak instead of a pastor giving a sermon.) Usually I can judge how my talk went by the comments I get afterwards. If that really is a true indicator then I taught a few gems about being a rebellious teenager. 

My speaking technique is to have a written general outline with a few quotes and scriptures, then tie those ideas together in my own words at the spur of the moment. This leaves the door open for the holy spirit to prompt, or conversely, for me to make a fool of myself. Apparently today I made myself out to be a regular James Dean (Rebel Without a Cause), I'll let you decide if that was the spirit or the fool. 

My recollection (which could be clouded by nerves and missing breakfast) is that while speaking about the need for obedience, I mentioned that as a teenager I was rebellious, that my parents used reverse psychology on me and it worked well. Then I said that I've learned through hard experience, the school of hard knocks, that the commandments are for our good and happiness. I ended the tangent with gratitude for repentance. That is it! 30 seconds of a 10-15 minute talk. Now I'm defending myself with references to polishing my halo. 

All joking aside, I really don't care if people know that I was a rebellious teenager. Although I actually had a few well behaved years in there too. Thinking about it now I wonder if those people who are surprised by my rebellious streak just don't know me very well. Ask DH, he'll tell you I'm rebellious. It's just that now that I'm older I forge ahead with what is right even if I might think about getting a motorcycle, a henna tattoo, and living as a starving artist (joking again, I think).  

I've learned to trust God more than my own instincts because my rebellious instincts have gotten me into some messes. I believe that God loves me and that while his commandments may seem constrictive there are far more things we can do with him as our guide and protector than when we try every vice available. I found rebellion for rebellion's sake to be extremely self-destructive.

In short, I've found this statement to be true:

“Regardless of our age and stage in life, daily obedience to gospel principles is the only sure way to eternal happiness. President Ezra Taft Benson put it most poignantly when he said, 'When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power.'” -Donald L. Staheli

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There is a great post at MW today by someone you might know...

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Here are a few other quotes I used in my talk - good stuff!

“The Savior’s perfect submission to the Eternal Father is the very essence of a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Christ’s example teaches us that a broken heart is an eternal attribute of godliness. When our hearts are broken, we are completely open to the Spirit of God and recognize our dependence on Him for all that we have and all that we are… Those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit are willing to do anything and everything that God asks of them, without resistance or resentment. We cease doing things our way and learn to do them God’s way instead.” Bruce D. Porter, 

“We cannot stand idly by, being merely an interested spectator, rather than a participating member, and still receive the blessing of eternal life. It is our duty to gain an appropriate witness and testimony which will change and improve our lives for good.” Delbert L. Stapley

Joseph Smith tells us that “happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path which leads to it.” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 255.)

Randomness

     Here it is the end of another busy day and I realize I haven't posted. Not that I haven't thought of posting, as I ponder deep and meaningful things throughout the day I wonder if they are blog worthy - the lady at the gym who stole a treadmill from that confused grandpa, Baby's obsession with the word "mine", if I worked really hard on my school work maybe I could get this dragging humanities class over, how hard it is to find Avatar birthday paraphernalia, how that Avatar stuff might be worthless if I don't get an RSVP back from anyone! See, very important thoughts. 

     J. was home sick yesterday, R. today. At least with R. sick I can still leave the house to do my thing (do I get Mom of the Year for that?). Otherwise I might have lost it. I felt horrible last night, even wondering if I was coming down with the sick, again. This morning I got more sleep (because I didn't have to drive R. to seminary), then I hit the gym = all better. It's times like these that I realize how critical exercise is to the health and well-being of my entire person. You name it - mind, body, spirit, emotions- they are all positively impacted by exercise. Today when I felt so much better it occurred to me that all those months of feeling like crud and wondering if I was really sick could have been the result of not being able to exercise properly because of my knee issues. Whatever the reason, I'm sure glad it's over. On Saturday I walked through the neighborhood for 30 minutes and had no knee pain afterwards. That is awesome!

     Last night as I laid in bed in a stupor I watched Housewives of Orange County - that's how weird my brain gets when I don't exercise. It's bizarre stuff, so out of this world they might as well have blue skin and tails. There was a woman who arrived in a limo, eating and drinking at an exclusive party, wearing who knows how much $ jewelry, and she cries, "My life sucks, I just don't know what I'm going to do!" Hmm. I don't know what you're going to do either - little violin playing just for you. Then I changed the channel to American Pickers. 

     It is time to plant seeds if I want to get a jump on the garden. The little crocus flowers that just popped out remind me every time I walk by. It's not a difficult task, just one with multiple steps that is too complicated when added to everything else. Buy seedling kit, buy seeds, plant seeds, water seeds, put in a window. Not hard. Just need to do it. Like grocery shopping, not hard, just need to do it - without a sick kid in tow. 

     I thought about posting this video, but worried that more depression stuff would be depressing. Here it is anyway (it's not depressing)-

I was reluctant to post it because I am so concerned about a finger of blame ever being pointed at a depressed person accusing them of bringing on their demons. That said, it's a good video. 

See ya tomorrow, maybe I'll have something posted worth reading, if you're lucky.

"All that I am I owe to..."

Today a young woman at church said something that changed my attitude. I have to explain a few things first, before you can understand why her words changed me. 

The last few weeks it's felt like I have two jobs. My main job is being a stay at home mom. Most of you have a pretty good idea of all that it entails, no pay, physical and mental strain, complaints galore, and no set works hours accompanied by bountiful blessings and joy (although only after you've pulled out all your hair). My church service has amped up in the last few weeks and has felt like a part-time job, which I also don't get paid for, and is accompanied by bountiful blessings and joy. 

I enjoy service (also here), it is critical to my spiritual and emotional well-being. I especially enjoy working with youth, right now my focus is in the Young Women's program. Sometimes the scale of balance is tilted a little too far in that direction though, so that my personal and family time are lacking. It's not that anyone is making me do this service, it is my choice. If I feel overwhelmed at any time I can speak up and step back. The problem is that I see the good in it, I feel good when I do it, and I want to do it. Too often I only see that I've overdone it after I've done it. 

This week was one of those times - I felt overwhelmed and unbalanced, as did my family. Kids don't come out and tell you that they feel neglected, instead their issues flare up until you are forced to realize something isn't right. Nothing serious mind you, but when J. took to wearing his snow boots to school every day because his sneakers didn't fit and I hadn't taken the time to buy new ones... well that's a sign my priorities were skewed (the snow has largely melted). 

I have personal warning signs too. Being easily irritated is a clue that I need to take a breather. Complaining about my work load in every conversation I have is another sign. Remembering my schedule of church meetings better than my kid's school schedule is a good one also. But the bad attitude, the irritation, sometimes feels like the worst of all the side effects because it colors my faith in a negative light. When in fact the fault lies with me. The problem isn't that the church expects too much, the problem is that it is hard to prioritize because priorities change every day, sometimes moment by moment.

So now that you understand my mental state as I went to church today I'll tell you what the young woman said that changed my attitude. 

This woman is 19 years old and from Haiti. Her entire life has been one full of trials. In the recent earthquake there she lost friends and family members. When it happened she admitted that she felt angry, wondering why her life has to be so full of these large trials - why she had to loose loved ones after all she's already suffered through. As she thought about her challenges she realized that God had been with her through all of them. He is there for her in every circumstance so it's OK. She knows that those she loves are in a better place now. 

I thought to myself what a strong woman she is, it left me awed. Then she said, "I am so grateful for the Young Women's Program, it has had such an impact on my life. All I am I owe to the Young Women's Program." 

Her statement instantly cured my bad attitude about the amount of service I've recently given. It can be too easy to focus on the meetings and details of the work and forget that this is the real business of saving souls and improving lives. It isn't often that I hear the results of my service in such a clear way. It put wind in my sails and helped me to see that the constant struggle to juggle priorities is worth it. It was payday!

 

Notes from the Past

     Recently we found out that our youngest daughter's birth had not been recorded with our church. Today DH is attempting to fix that but he needed the date of Baby's blessing (similar to a christening, but it's not baptism). I couldn't think of it off the top of my head, cudos to you if you can, so I went searching through our important papers. 

     I keep papers. I come from a family of hoarders but I think I've toned it down a little. I don't keep every paper, I keep important papers. DH and I might disagree about what an important paper is. He would say this year's receipts for taxes are important papers. I'd say that the good bye card I got from my Colorado friend Stephanie is an important paper. Here's a little of what she wrote to me back in 2006:

     "I'm sending you off with 2 things people have said to me that I will always remember - both of which sum up how I'm feeling right now. First- you've been such a blessing in my life, and second - it's going to suck without you...  I hope your new adventure will be wonderful - and that you get to be still and enjoy it for a while. Thank you for your friendship and your wisdom and sharing so many things and eating M&Ms with me until the bottom of the bag! I'll think of you every time I see an almond!"

 

     It is written on a beautiful notecard from Russia, where she served her mission. This simple piece of paper reminds me of Stephanie and the times we had together. How could I not be inspired to be a good friend after re-reading her note?

     I keep thank you cards too, even if it's only the card and a named signed at the bottom. Today I found one that thanked me for helping with a Super Saturday craft day but the signature was so scribbled I don't know who it was from. I've helped with so many Super Saturdays that that info doesn't narrow it down a whole lot either! 

     There are also thank you cards from young women, those are especially precious to me now. Several from girls that I helped with their personal progress. I received my medallion at the same time as three of them because we were all working on it. Now one of them is married, one on a mission, one is about to graduate from college. It makes me feel old, but more importantly it reminds me to serve diligently in my callings because I can make a difference in someone's life. 

     Then there was this, from a young woman that I went to girl's camp with a few years ago. She made it and gave it to me as a thank you. 

     It says, "Proverbs 31:10 'Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.' Thank you Sister P." 

     What I didn't find out until later is that this young woman's parents had recently gotten divorced. Her mother had left the church and there was great pain and turmoil in their family. When I found that out it wrenched my heart, this note seemed more precious than gold, and made me wish I had hugged that girl a few more times that week of camp.

     You can guess that reading through just one folder of my important papers meant I needed another important paper - a tissue. I cried as I read through the interactions I've had with wonderful people over the years. What a great life I have and how blessed I am to have had opportunities across the country to get to know people who have blessed my life and I have, in return, helped just a little. Life is good.

     Oh, I did eventually find a record of Baby's blessing day. It was beautifully done by a friend, without it I wouldn't have such a detailed record of that day. I should write her a thank you note. 

      Tell me about your notes from the past!

      Are any from me?

DC temple

It was temple trip day. My friend Ashley and I drove three hours down to DC. When we got there I remembered it was the day for the area youth to be in the temple. I decided to help with the youth instead of going with the adults, which was my original plan. 

Being in the temple with teenagers who were reverent, respectful and virtuous was a joy. Youth today have to make a definitive decision to be good. Gone are the days when going along with the crowd was enough to get kids by in life. Now they have to think ahead and make courageous choices that create a bright future. 

 
 R. and DH at the DC temple a few years ago
 

There were several times today that I felt amazed and proud of those beautiful and handsome young women and young men. To stand against the tide of baseness, selfishness, and materialism that is so invasive in our world is an amazing thing. I know that they don't make that journey alone, to the temple or through their teenage years. Just as adult leaders accompanied them to the temple today, they need leaders to accompany them through their teenage years. Of course good parents make the greatest difference in their lives. I'm grateful to interact with the youth, to hopefully encourage them to stay strong and courageous in the good fight. 

Depression and Religion

     Today I feel ill equipped to write this post, but this is so important to me and I want to get the word out. 

 Childhood Depression, by Richard Wilkinson

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     Depression is a hugely misunderstood illness. Especially within the context of religion. Although I am heartily dedicated to my religion, over a decade ago my misunderstandings about how to apply religion to my life led to thought patterns that contributed to my depression. It took non-religious resources to help me put my beliefs into proper practice.  

     While depressed I had unknowingly used guilt as a tool of emotional and spiritual self-mutilation. Sacrifice for others was my motto for life back then, and it's mis-application left me not knowing who I was or what happiness felt like. At the same time I didn't know that what I felt was out of the norm and had a name - depression. 

     While undergoing treatment for depression I was energized with hope, amazed to find there were answers I never knew existed to a problem I didn't know I had. Through therapy and reading books like The Feeling Good Handbook I learned how to constructively deal with emotions and live my religion. It was scary and wonderful to go to therapy. I was very wary of medication, but desperate, so I swallowed it. It took all I had, and the help of experts, to come through the other side. Which is why it is so shocking and hurtful to hear some within the religious community deny the usefulness of these methods. I fear greatly for those suffering from depression within religion because there is so much misinformation and misunderstanding about it. 

     People are not weak, faithless or ungrateful when they have depression. In fact I'd say that some of the strongest people are those who fight against depression every day and manage to live a productive life in the midst of chronic emotional pain. Faith, what greater faith than to get out of bed every morning knowing it will be a day filled with emotional numbness with no light from heaven breaking through the black clouds; yet still dropping to their knees to plead and pray to the God they love.  Gratitude seemed to make my depression worse. I knew the greatness and bounty of my blessings and somehow I still felt horrible, so I heaped on the guilt. 

     Once on the other side, feeling happy, I was petrified of the depression coming back. Some call depression the black dog, mine was a dark monster; an ugly looming figure hiding around every corner. I probably suffered from anxiety at that time as I worried about depression's ever-present threat. 

    It has been long enough since the blackest days of my depression that I'm not so scared of the monster. Through the proper practice of my religion, exercise, careful balancing of my days, rest,  a understanding husband, and many nuanced coping techniques I have a happy life. But that pain - intense, dark and hopeless - it is something I will never forget. So I am outspoken about my depression. Hopefully it never prevents me from getting a job, being approved for a mortgage, or other opportunities (not that I bring it up in those specific settings, but the way the internet is now our words linger online and can be found by people looking for info about us). If it does, I'm willing to suffer the consequences rather than sit in silence while those in pain suffer. 

Please, learn more about depression because those in need are all around you. Get help if any of this sounds too familiar. Above all, be gentle with those suffering from mental illness, they are fighting the good fight and deserve a few cheerleaders. 

A series of posts about depression on an LDS focused blog. (While I don't support everything on this site I am a huge fan of the depression series.) 

A wonderful post about being a mother with depression

Wonder if you're depressed?

A study out just today about a belief in God effecting depression.