lajendi

Nie Nie's New Life

This video was so good for me on many levels- as a mother, as a niece praying for her ill aunt, as a struggling child of God, as a soon-to-be foster mom on the cusp of a new life. Maybe it will be good for you too... 

"I pray, and then I get answers, and then I do it."

A Spring Sunday

     I've just come in from reading in the backyard as the light slowly disappeared. The lilac bush in the far corner of the yard spreads it's scent up to the patio and the bugs aren't yet out in full force. At bedtime the kids came out to kiss me goodnight, Baby even took her binki out to give me a proper kiss. I finished the last few chapters of a book that was good for distraction and leisure. It was a beautiful, peaceful evening to end a gorgeous spring Sunday. A day you don't want to end, as if you could hold onto  sun and the scent of lilacs. 

  

     The last week has been very full, active with underlying concerns. But I've been reluctant to write about my worries, not knowing what parts are mine to tell. 

    There's been potty training with Baby. I wanted to do it before fostering started. Although I realize that regression is a possibility if sharing mommy with a foster sibling is too traumatic. That's OK, as I told the social worker, we have a carpet cleaner. I'm taking potty training with a more relaxed attitude than before. I'm concerned about my peace of mind, and Baby's. It's comforting to be aware of my limits, while at the same time not frightened or self-conscious about them.  Baby is doing well, "tinkling" in the potty about once a day and still farting every time she attempts. Where all that gas comes from I don't know. 

    My little sister has had some changes in her life, job change, living situation change. I'm hopeful that it will all lead her to better things. That's how life has happened for me anyway - it's too scary to jump out of a sure thing into the unknown, so God takes away the sure thing so that we have no choice but to jump. Finding out that the new is better takes time and faith, but somehow it is better eventually. 

    My Daddy has a doctor appointment. I keep saying that's all it is and everything will be fine. 

    You know, I've lost very few close family members. My grandma died when I was just a baby. While I've missed not knowing her, I didn't feel the actual loss. When her husband, my grandpa died a few years ago it was sad, but right. His body was not a fitting shelter for his vibrant spirit any longer. My sister-in-law passed away very young, it was so hard to watch my brother loose her. I felt like I barely had time to know her. 

     A few weeks ago I asked my Mom the age of her parents. "Grandpa is 89!" she said. 'That's old', I thought,'people die in their 90s' and I took a slow, deep breath. That's how blessed I am, my family lives so long, I think the 90s are when people die. Not like anyone ever dies when they're younger. 

   Today I prayed for my Auntie Edith. She's been one of my most loyal blog readers. Even though she rarely comments, I know she's there keeping in touch from far away. A closer relationship with her has been one of my great blessings of blogging.

      She's in the hospital, was in the ICU. When I spoke to her today she was in the step down unit, meaning that she's getting better. We had a really wonderful talk, her description of feeling the prayers for her is a realization that I treasure. She told me how prayers that are offered are felt by the recipient and heard in the heavens. Although those we love pass through difficult things, the love and peace of God is a real comfort unlike any other. Thankfully many of those prayers are also being answered by her church family who have sat at her bedside, cared for her kitties and garden, and made her feel loved through service that I'm too distant to give. Her description of their service has inspired me to be more diligent in serving and praying for those in need where I am. 

     I prayed for my aunt to feel hopeful, to have the support she needs to heal. How surprised I was to be supported and taught of hope by her. She has a long recovery ahead, I am amazed by her fortitude, hope and testimony. 

    These are my 'out of reach' concerns. My family is so far away, I prefer not to realize the immensity of how far - I could never walk. Their problems are still real to me, tugging at my heart as I go about my day. The tears I couldn't stop in church today were for them. There is a tie with family, blood and sinew holding hearts and spirits together through the miles and the problems. I am far away but you are not far from my thoughts. 

Trying to be Perfect in an Imperfect World -Or- Why Going Off Sugar is Meaningless Torture

     After that title do I really need to write a post? That pretty much sums it up, but I'll elaborate and share my brand of crazy with you. Bear with me, in the end all this yammering will relate to sugar abstinence.

     First let's agree that we're not perfect. Nobody with their feet firmly on planted on earth at this moment has it all together. We're all individuals so what kind of imperfect we are varies. 

     As a mother, a woman trying to help her family, part of my job is to spot imperfection and put an end to it. Dirty pants? Wash em'. Crying Baby? Put her to bed. Overgrown Apple tree? Trim it. Seven year old whining for cookies? Feed it dinner. Mom the problem solver. 

     Moms get something out of being the "fixer"- Control. We decide what kind of dirty pants the child is wearing and how they'll be washed. We decide what sort of bedtime routine Baby will have and when. We decide if the apple tree is allowed to be tall, wide, or gone. We decide what the family will eat for dinner, how it is prepared, and when it will be. Moms are in the driver's seat. 

     Problem is, everyone's imperfect, the earth itself isn't even perfect. We're surrounded by stuff that needs fixing, stuff that needs cleaning, or people that need managing. There is an inexhaustible supply of messes. As a mom it's easy to focus on the messes, to get out our microscope and never put it away. "There's a problem - FIX IT!" the mother cries. This is the kind of craziness that leads a mom to go off sugar for two weeks. 

     This life is not just about fixing problems, although it is a part of what we're doing here. Working out our salvation. Trying to make everything right myself leaves out critical players - Christ and God. The plan is not for us to do everything perfectly and live our lives in harmony and peace - not possible. But that is what most mothers are striving for! Which is why mothers are often overwhelmed and depressed about their jobs - the goal they set is impossible. 

       I struggle with the line between my personal responsibility and the grace of God. When the scriptures say that we are saved after all we can do, what exactly is all I can do? There is a story from my high school days which gives a little too much insight into why this is an issue for me. (I'm going out on a huge limb here, so be gentle with me.)

     My senior year of high school I was invited to participate in the Homecoming Queen Pageant. This was not my thing, but I wanted the scholarship money so I was talked into it. Once I threw my hat in the ring I went after it (while still pretending to be non-nonchalant about it)- had a dress made (nothing with shiny fabric or sequins), made a slideshow of my artwork and set it to music, and even put on some makeup. 

    In preparing for the pageant I was advised to talk about my artwork in addition to showing it. I didn't want to, it was too personal, too hard to put into words. It wasn't just a scapegoat though, I had seen my art mean different things to different people and I didn't want to tell anyone what they should be seeing or feeling.  So I stuck with pictures and music. 

     The day of the pageant comes and all goes well, until my slideshow - the music wasn't cued properly so it didn't start until halfway through the slideshow. At that point there wasn't anything I could do, so I kept going. I did not win the pageant, but several of the judges told me that they wondered why the music started where it did and that my scores were high enough that I could have won if I had talked about my art. They probably thought they were putting salve on my wounds, when really it felt like they were insensitively probing a fresh wound. I had tried something new and failed. Then I was told if I had just done more I could have been successful. 

     In that situation I made a judgment call about what was enough and I was wrong. Hello - here we are almost 20 years later and I'm still trying to figure out what is enough and erring on the side of too much.

      Now's the part where I tie together these threads of perfectionism, trusting God, the Homecoming Pageant, and sugar deprivation. 

     Sugar is everywhere. Try going off of it for one day, just a day, and see what I mean. It is everywhere and in everything. Soda billboards by the library, leftover peanut butter squares (like I used to have in elementary school, with the layer of chocolate) from the kid's activity, hershey kisses in the freezer, granola bars, vitamin water, lunch specials, family bonding time, after school snacks, EVERYWHERE! Not eating sugar takes near-constant vigilence and it's making me crazy and grumpy. I am not feeling any physical benefits. 

     Obviously stepping away from perfectionism is a problem for me, yet I still choose a very perfectionist goal. Know the biggest reason I decided to do this? (and I haven't even told DH this yet) I have a doctor appointment in two weeks and I don't want to see the scale numbers higher than they were last time. I want to please the doctor so he won't give me a lecture about diet and exercise. I know all about diet and exercise, I exercise regularly. It's the food that's so hard for me. I don't want to be called out for not doing enough. The cry for "MORE" when I'm already doing all I can makes me crying crazy. 

    To get over these issues it is clear that I must begin consuming sugar again ;) There is a peanut butter square calling my name. Should I answer?

Weak

 

     Fasting is a contradiction for me. Obviously going without food is difficult, this seems to be one of the purposes in fasting - doing something that is difficult in obedience and for a purpose. On the other hand, we are told not to fast if it will endanger our bodies, breastfeeding/pregnancy, diabetes, etc. 

     So my question is, what if I feel so horrible when I fast that I can't function? At some point during my fast, usually late afternoon, I begin to get a migraine headache, dizzy, and faint. At this point I'm determined to see through an entire 24 hour fast but I'm feeling horridly, just wanting to go to bed and die, so instead I eat. I feel better and then am able to make dinner for everyone. Am I sinning because I physically cannot go a full 24 hours without food or water? 

     Ironically, during my fast I picked up the book, Weakness Is Not Sin,  by Wendy Ulrich. I've been slowly working through this book, taking the time to ponder each chapter for a while before I move on to the next. Today I read this, 

"It seems sometimes that so much of life is about finding the fine lines between laziness and moderation, between sin and weakness, between Spirit and our own thoughts, between confidence and pride, between humility and humiliation. But at least it is a start to know that there is in fact a difference and that the difference is worth exploring."

     These are thoughts that I've thought about often in my life, knowing where to draw the line between extremes. 

 

      In one of the areas mentioned in that quote I have a little experience and think I've come to understand more than I did in the past-  'between the Spirit and our own thoughts'. There have been times in my life that I yearned to feel the Spirit more strongly, to be led, to gain the kind of confidence that can only come through intimate association with the Holy Ghost. Through the years I feel that I have developed a relationship with the Spirit (nothing extraordinary, this is available to everyone) through acting on the promptings I've received. 

     When I receive what I think is a prompting and act on it, I enjoy the fruits of the Spirit. When I am at peace and understand that the promptings of the Spirit are always in harmony with the gospel, I can determine if the feelings and impressions I have are just my own thoughts or are something more. It is something that is probably different for every person, developing this fine tuned repertoire with the Holy Ghost. I'm not perfect at it, but because I've worked on it daily through many years it is something I can depend on, and do. 

     Developing this blessing in my life took time and was gained through experience. Which is one of the reasons I am here - to learn. This life is not just for us to prove to God that we will be obedient, it's not only about sin, or the lack of it. Life is also about the experiences we have, the grey areas between extremes. Labeling the grey areas as black or white blinds us to reality, how things really are. It disables our learning. 

     So back to my weak version of fasting... I wouldn't say I'm sinning by eating 2 hours early when I know the Lord asks me to fast longer than that. My mortally imperfect body is just too weak to do it. On the other hand I can do things to enable a fast, not just throw up my hands and eat all day. I could be sure to take my vitamins and drink plenty of water the day before fasting, and eat healthy meals to 'bank' nutrients my body will need the next day. If I try those things and they don't work there are other things I could do. I could fast from food but not water. I could fast from eating certain kinds of foods. I had a friend who would fast from eating sweets when she was pregnant and couldn't participate in a full fast. The important thing is not the black or white observance of God's request to fast, but the ways in which I strive for obedience or go to him to humbly asking for mercy because I'm too weak to accomplish it on my own.

      I think this is part of what is meant when we are told that God won't give us anything we can't handle - not because we are that strong, but because there is always mercy, God makes up the difference. We may be asked to make a dinner for 50 people and then burn it. It's not that God asked us to do something we couldn't handle, it's that through his mercy burning the food doesn't matter - it is not a sin. 

     Trying to understand these issues of sin and weakness are important to me because I think I waste too much time worrying about my weaknesses when I could be overcoming sin and serving others. Guilt is a debilitating force and all too often the guilt that overwhelms me is concerning a weakness, not a sin. How sad to debilitate ourselves with a sense of sin and failure when that is not reality. 

"Please don’t nag yourself with thoughts of failure. Do not set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. Simply do what you can do, in the best way you know, and the Lord will accept of your effort." President Gordon B. Hinckley

CPR and Swimming

     A few days ago (maybe a week) I posted about our lives being a house of cards. This week things have been shaken and turned around as the kids were out of school and family visited. I had to change my workout schedule, fitting in exercise when I could find a few minutes. Some meals have been afterthoughts while others are major productions (Easter). We've spent a whole day at home (watching conference), and we've spent most of a day away (Valley Forge). With all of this I sit here thinking about what is upcoming in my life. I have tender feelings with a strength behind them, making me feel that no matter what happens to my house of cards, other things are more certain.

     One of those certain things is my ability to choose. Despite horrid things that may happen - earthquakes, floods, termites- I choose what to do in those situations. I have no more control over my daily life than I do those other large horrific scenarios, yet I still carry on each day without cowering in the corner (only for a few minutes anyway). I have power, not because I can control things, but because I control myself. 

     Making informed choices based on truth and self-control leads to capability. That capability, the ability to make things happen, is a kind of power. Let me give an example - Tonight DH and I watched a CPR video for foster parenting certification. If I were to be in a situation where a child needed CPR I could administer it because I've learned true things about how to help someone who is not breathing and I would make that choice to help despite any initial discomfort about germs or saliva. In that very specific and dramatic situation I would have power, power to sustain or revive life. 

     Now I'm not saying that makes me god and I'm so great. What I am saying is that yes, there is a lot out of my control (like the need for a child to be resuscitated in the first place), but there is also a lot within my control if I make use of it. If I train my body to submit to my mind (blow into this child's mouth, now gently press on their chest) then my mind and body are prepared to work together to accomplish other things that may initially be uncomfortable, like performing CPR. It applies to loosing weight(not easy, but doable), not yelling at my kids (not easy, still trying), or building a strong marriage (not easy, so worth it). Call this self-reliance, self-control, self-mastery, all the labels apply. 

      The truth is a large factor here. Having the self-discipline to clean out the garage means nothing if I mistakenly believe that moving all the junk to the other side makes the garage clean. I have to know that cleaning is more than that, the "truth" about what makes something clean. Just like I have to know actual CPR to keep a dying person alive, not just poke and prod at them. 

     I hope I haven't lost anyone (it is the end of a long day and I'm probably rambling and not coherent). Most people would agree with my ideas about our abilities to control our lives at some level. We have power to choose and to act. The piece that is sometimes missing is how that relates with what God does. 

     It is tempting to use our power to control too much in our lives. If we want to keep our lives on an even keel, nothing changing, even and controlled, steady as she goes, don't rock the boat, don't topple my house of cards - we could probably do that, and we often try. I don't think that that is necessarily what God wants. He doesn't just rock the boat, he pushes us out of it. Our lives are not about control. I'm saying that again because it is so very important - The purpose of our lives is not to control. We can control ourselves, and that is a part of success and happiness, but not an end in itself.

     Getting back into the boat every time God pushes us out of it is not productive. At some point we might want to just swim and find out why God keeps pushing us out. 

     This was all a very long way for me to say that I trust God. Yes, he's pushed me out of the boat several times. It's my guess that being a foster parent is going to be like getting pushed out of an 8-story cruise ship. I trust him, if he wants me to swim,  he'll help me. If I'm swimming it's because he's given me opportunities to learn to swim before and I took advantage of them. It's that initial push off the deck into the water I'm worried about. Really, I'm looking forward to a good swim with hope and optimism. It's a good thing I know CPR though, I might need to perform it on myself.  

       Tell me you'll be there with a life preserver when I need it.  

Cycle of Life

       After steady rain for two or three days the sun has mercifully appeared. I appreciate the sun so much more after it has been away. The rain isn't always an annoyance though. When we lived in Colorado we didn't have air conditioning, so in the roasting late afternoons we were grateful to see the thunderheads bubbling up to cool us off. We'd often get an accompanying light show as the sun went down and lightning striped the sky among the tiered peaks of the mountains. 

     A few weeks ago I studied Stoicism for my Humanities class. The ancient Stoics believed that the universe is cyclical, like the patterns of the rain and sun. There is no need to strive for wealth or fame because eventually it will come to everyone, as will poverty and infamy.

     "To everything there is a season, turn, turn..."

     "The wheel in the sky keeps on turning..."   

   Those song lyrics echo through my rainsoaked head today.  

     Last night my sister called to say she had a baby. Although the last month of pregnancy was difficult, and the labor long and befitting its name, all went well and my newest nephew arrived at 7 pm last night. She said he weighed eight pounds, nine ounces and has a full head of bright blond hair like his older sister did on her birth day. As she spoke to me about his sweet cry and the family resemblance I closed my eyes, imagining being with them; watching her kiss his soft head as he melts into her arms with proud Daddy standing by. I miss holding my newborn nephew, and another that will be born soon. By the time I meet them chances are they'll be walking. 

     This morning I received an email from my Aunt saying that my Great Uncle died last night. My extended family members on that side of the family tree hold my attention and my heart, despite not knowing them well. My grandma died when I was six months old. I don't remember her. So I watch her siblings, I listen to their voices, soaking in details of who they are, trying to piece together the woman who is so much a part of me, but still a stranger.  My great uncle who passed last night is my grandma's brother. He was a jeweler and made my wedding ring exactly 18 years ago. 

    When my then fiancée and I met with him to choose the ring style my great uncle didn't know who I was. That happens in large extended families, especially when children grow up quickly, and families ties are stretched over miles and death... and remarriage... and family politics. I missed something there, a connection between family members I would have had if Grandma had been alive.  Missing that connection I felt that I couldn't sit at his knee and beg for another story of their childhood, glimpses into her. (Nevermind that if she were here the stories wouldn't mean so much.) Now I'll miss his funeral, a chance to learn more about his life and an opportunity to see my extended family. 

The cycle of life- one son, brother, man taking his first breath while another takes his last, both in our family on the same night. I'm missing it all, too far away. The cycle of life turning for us all. 

I feel like it's raining again. 

All Signs Point to "Yes".

 

     Remember the Magic 8 Ball? You ask it a question, give it a good shake, then peer through the little blue clouded window until your answer appears. If you didn't like the answer you could inadvertently give it a little shake to find a better one. Most of the answers in the magic ball were ambivalent - 'ask again later', 'answer hazy', or 'concentrate and ask again'. DH and I are so attuned to children at risk and foster care right now that I have noticed those things everywhere. It seems like the cosmic Magic 8 Ball is sending me answers. 

     The day after we talked to Rach about being a foster family there was a Meth Lab bust in the same neighborhood as the high school she'll attend next year. We read in the paper that there were two children, ages 2 & 4, living in the home that were placed in the custody of child services. We pointed out to her that those kids could have come to our home, to give her an idea of where foster kids come from. 

     On Saturday afternoon DH and I went out for our weekly date. We had lunch and went to the bookstore. While perusing the bestsellers and new releases we came across a photo book by Anne Geddes. I'm very familiar with her work (having worked in a picture frame shop) so I passed it by, but DH stopped and thumbed through every picture even remarking that one or two were cute (absolutely no cooing noises though, that would be un-manly). 

 

     As I watched him adore the beautiful newborns I remembered how great he was with our babies and wondered if he was thinking about what it will be like if we get a foster baby. How would it be to get up for early hour feedings now that we're a few years older? It also reminded me of something DH's mother told me when we were first married. She commented that he was wonderful with kids and had no doubt that he would be a good dad. She was absolutely right. I thought back on that, realizing that I was led to marry a man whose heart is big enough to love our children and a foster child. I couldn't do it without him. 

     Last week I took the kids to the library. This has been somewhat rare lately because it's so difficult to manage a two year old at the library (unless it's storytime, then library patrons have to expect weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth). While the kids found their books I quickly looked through the new books. I shouldn't have because I have a mid term tomorrow... but I got 3 books. One of them is called Self Storage. I'm in the middle of it so I won't rate it yet (spoiler alert!), but the main character has a few problems with her children that puts her parenting under a microscope (this is not something the blurb indicated, so I didn't know that going in). It struck me this morning as I read it at the gym that this is how some mothers with children in foster care feel. They parent the same way they were raised and/or find themselves in unfortunate circumstances where they made a bad decision (or several), and their children are taken away. It gave me another level of understanding for birth parents - which I need. 

     I also need this constant reassurance because this seems looney sometimes, especially when I think about how it must appear to others. A year ago I wasn't sure I could take care of my kids because of my physical issues. Now I'm better and willing not only to take on an additional child, but a troubled one at that. When it's right you just know. I can't question it, especially when the cosmic Magic 8 Ball is giving me such an obvious answer: "All signs point to 'Yes'!"

     So Magic 8 Ball, since you're prognosticating so well, what can I make for dinner that costs $3, is healthy, and requires no effort? 

 

Whose Agenda?

As I drove home from my church assignment today, I listened to The Mormon Channel (It's a great Iphone app, and website). There was a conversation with Elder Gonzales and his wife playing. One of the many great things said was (in my own words, as I remember it), "Whose agenda are you pursuing? Many people pursue their own agenda, but when we serve we need to follow God's agenda. We have to give up our own agenda to be successful in serving Him." My experiences in service today showed me that what Elder Gonzales said is true. 

Usually when we have conferences with different congregations, I and another leader teach the young women a lesson. After that lesson is over we have a small meeting with the area's young women leaders to understand their challenges, to train them, and support and encourage their service. Today was a very busy day for our family - My meetings began at 9 am an hour from home, DH spoke in church at 9 am (at a different meeting), there was a baptism we wanted to attend, and Rach had a piece of poetry in the school art show (AWESOME!) which was 12-2. It seemed there was no way to fit all of these things in, with drive time. Most especially it seemed there was no way for me to meet with leaders after church.

I felt prompted to make Rach's event a priority. So our compromise was to meet with the YW leaders during one of the other meetings (not ideal). This solution made me feel uncomfortable because I felt I wasn't supporting the other leaders by skipping a meeting, and even being a bad example of skipping Sunday School. But life's not perfect and you gotta make things work, so that's what we did, and it turned out to be a good thing. 

A few of the concerns of the leaders were surrounding how Sunday meetings have gone with the girls. So as I taught the lesson with my co-teacher we were able to observe the girls and understand them in a way we couldn't have if the leader meeting hadn't previously taken place. We are now better able to support and counsel the leaders because we knew about the issues before we interacted with the girls in class.

Another way in which the spirit guided me for the best good today was in choosing a topic for the lesson and preparing it. I am always amazed at the consistency of this type of guidance. If I pray that the Lord will guide me to teach what he wants people to learn then the preparation goes much more smoothly and the lesson does too. In short, if I pursue God's agenda instead of my own in teaching, I am successful. Because I did that today I was able to teach YW who are new to this country that they should pursue their dreams. It was perfect for their situation, and the other girls too. In addition, my lesson worked well with the lesson taught by the other leader, even though we didn't coordinate in advance. This happened because we both listened to the spirit. 

If I had to teach and help people without guidance from God I would be lost and confused. I have confidence to teach and to lead because the spirit is with me, encouraging me to love those I teach, and to give me a better agenda than the one I would choose myself. 

Randomness

     Here it is the end of another busy day and I realize I haven't posted. Not that I haven't thought of posting, as I ponder deep and meaningful things throughout the day I wonder if they are blog worthy - the lady at the gym who stole a treadmill from that confused grandpa, Baby's obsession with the word "mine", if I worked really hard on my school work maybe I could get this dragging humanities class over, how hard it is to find Avatar birthday paraphernalia, how that Avatar stuff might be worthless if I don't get an RSVP back from anyone! See, very important thoughts. 

     J. was home sick yesterday, R. today. At least with R. sick I can still leave the house to do my thing (do I get Mom of the Year for that?). Otherwise I might have lost it. I felt horrible last night, even wondering if I was coming down with the sick, again. This morning I got more sleep (because I didn't have to drive R. to seminary), then I hit the gym = all better. It's times like these that I realize how critical exercise is to the health and well-being of my entire person. You name it - mind, body, spirit, emotions- they are all positively impacted by exercise. Today when I felt so much better it occurred to me that all those months of feeling like crud and wondering if I was really sick could have been the result of not being able to exercise properly because of my knee issues. Whatever the reason, I'm sure glad it's over. On Saturday I walked through the neighborhood for 30 minutes and had no knee pain afterwards. That is awesome!

     Last night as I laid in bed in a stupor I watched Housewives of Orange County - that's how weird my brain gets when I don't exercise. It's bizarre stuff, so out of this world they might as well have blue skin and tails. There was a woman who arrived in a limo, eating and drinking at an exclusive party, wearing who knows how much $ jewelry, and she cries, "My life sucks, I just don't know what I'm going to do!" Hmm. I don't know what you're going to do either - little violin playing just for you. Then I changed the channel to American Pickers. 

     It is time to plant seeds if I want to get a jump on the garden. The little crocus flowers that just popped out remind me every time I walk by. It's not a difficult task, just one with multiple steps that is too complicated when added to everything else. Buy seedling kit, buy seeds, plant seeds, water seeds, put in a window. Not hard. Just need to do it. Like grocery shopping, not hard, just need to do it - without a sick kid in tow. 

     I thought about posting this video, but worried that more depression stuff would be depressing. Here it is anyway (it's not depressing)-

I was reluctant to post it because I am so concerned about a finger of blame ever being pointed at a depressed person accusing them of bringing on their demons. That said, it's a good video. 

See ya tomorrow, maybe I'll have something posted worth reading, if you're lucky.

"All that I am I owe to..."

Today a young woman at church said something that changed my attitude. I have to explain a few things first, before you can understand why her words changed me. 

The last few weeks it's felt like I have two jobs. My main job is being a stay at home mom. Most of you have a pretty good idea of all that it entails, no pay, physical and mental strain, complaints galore, and no set works hours accompanied by bountiful blessings and joy (although only after you've pulled out all your hair). My church service has amped up in the last few weeks and has felt like a part-time job, which I also don't get paid for, and is accompanied by bountiful blessings and joy. 

I enjoy service (also here), it is critical to my spiritual and emotional well-being. I especially enjoy working with youth, right now my focus is in the Young Women's program. Sometimes the scale of balance is tilted a little too far in that direction though, so that my personal and family time are lacking. It's not that anyone is making me do this service, it is my choice. If I feel overwhelmed at any time I can speak up and step back. The problem is that I see the good in it, I feel good when I do it, and I want to do it. Too often I only see that I've overdone it after I've done it. 

This week was one of those times - I felt overwhelmed and unbalanced, as did my family. Kids don't come out and tell you that they feel neglected, instead their issues flare up until you are forced to realize something isn't right. Nothing serious mind you, but when J. took to wearing his snow boots to school every day because his sneakers didn't fit and I hadn't taken the time to buy new ones... well that's a sign my priorities were skewed (the snow has largely melted). 

I have personal warning signs too. Being easily irritated is a clue that I need to take a breather. Complaining about my work load in every conversation I have is another sign. Remembering my schedule of church meetings better than my kid's school schedule is a good one also. But the bad attitude, the irritation, sometimes feels like the worst of all the side effects because it colors my faith in a negative light. When in fact the fault lies with me. The problem isn't that the church expects too much, the problem is that it is hard to prioritize because priorities change every day, sometimes moment by moment.

So now that you understand my mental state as I went to church today I'll tell you what the young woman said that changed my attitude. 

This woman is 19 years old and from Haiti. Her entire life has been one full of trials. In the recent earthquake there she lost friends and family members. When it happened she admitted that she felt angry, wondering why her life has to be so full of these large trials - why she had to loose loved ones after all she's already suffered through. As she thought about her challenges she realized that God had been with her through all of them. He is there for her in every circumstance so it's OK. She knows that those she loves are in a better place now. 

I thought to myself what a strong woman she is, it left me awed. Then she said, "I am so grateful for the Young Women's Program, it has had such an impact on my life. All I am I owe to the Young Women's Program." 

Her statement instantly cured my bad attitude about the amount of service I've recently given. It can be too easy to focus on the meetings and details of the work and forget that this is the real business of saving souls and improving lives. It isn't often that I hear the results of my service in such a clear way. It put wind in my sails and helped me to see that the constant struggle to juggle priorities is worth it. It was payday!